Trauma vs. Trust

by jphilo | Jul 19, 2023 | Different Dream, In Parents, PTSD, Spiritual Support

Trauma vs. Trust

Parenting isn’t easy. And it’s even harder when it’s combined with special needs and the trauma that brings. Guest blogger Valeria Conshafter explains how she walks the path of learning to trust in God in the midst of parental PTSD.

Recalling my daughter’s health challenges with Esophageal Atresia/Tracheoesophageal Fistula (EA/TEF) has been a struggle for me. The multiple life-threatening incidents, endless nights pacing around hospital hallways, the sounds of beeping monitors, and the smells the mind will never forget will be forever ingrained in my core.

For years, I kept trying to figure out a way to live with the struggle of PTSD. For many years, I felt lost in my own disoriented thoughts, lacking belief there was an exit, let alone a possible way to live without trauma. My therapist once said that living with trauma is to be constantly in a watchful mode, being trapped and looking at survival through a peephole.

I felt trapped inside a box closed tight above my head. The peephole allowed a glimpse of light that was too intense to look at. I wanted to see what was out there. There were days when I attempted to get out of the box and peeked around until I felt an unexpected desire to step out for a bit. I would step out of the box, pretending I could handle it. I’d stay out for a while. Some days were better than others. But soon enough back I was inside that trap.

Thankfully, after countless sessions of therapy and deep spiritual and emotional work, I found freedom from this trap that is living with trauma and found trust instead. Practically speaking, this is what I have learned when life reminds me of my trauma.

First, I trust God. I keep reminding myself and saying it out loud when I am triggered by random events that I have no control over life’s circumstances. I have no control over my daughter’s health or future. God does. Even when I think that I am in control over all the vitamins I give her, the food choices I give her, choosing all her doctors, and deciding all medical interventions, ultimately what I am doing is just a “protective” measure, perhaps for my own sake. But God, above all things, is the one in charge of every sickness, every doctor’s visit, every possible outcome. So, I say this out loud or write it down in my journal—God is in control, not me.

The next thing is that I must trust the process. After I put my trust in God, trusting the process should be easier. Yet life itself can challenge your trust, making you question yourself and your faith! You may ask yourself—Is there something else I should do? Should I really let go and let God? These and other questions will most likely make you doubt the process, and soon enough you are trapped again. Doubts and fear settle in quickly and put you in an anxious and desperate mindset. So I again will say these words out loud or write them down—God is in control, not me. I trust the process.

Finally, I trust her—my daughter! She is 15 now. I must trust her! When she is sick—for example, with a simple cold—and has that horrible, loud, barking cough typical of tracheomalacia babies, I stop, breathe, say my trust phrases, and I look at her. She is fine. There is a lot of self-talk in this part of the process which is helpful to distract my mind. She may be sick and have a bad cough (a trigger for me), but she is breathing. So I look at the facts. She is handling it. She is more mature now and understands the cough, the asthma, the breathing… She is learning to deal with it alone. Because for her this is her future. Her life. The life I entrusted to God’s hand. I then repeat these words or write them down—God is in control, not me. I trust the process. I trust her.

The work is hard. The road to healing is long. But as I watch my daughter grow and go onto her own path of independence, I believe more and more that life after trauma can be fulfilling and happy too.

I want to rejoice from all the blessings I have today. I want to be happy about tomorrow and not so worried. I want to expect the best and not the worst. I want to move on and away from that box that trapped me and prevented me from enjoying life for so long. Trauma is my past and not my future. This is what I have learned and hope it helps you too.

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Valeria Conshafter is a native of Brazil. She has a background in Counseling Psychology and currently works for a women’s organization providing emotional and spiritual support to women all over the country. She loves writing, cooking, and praying for her family and friends. Valeria lives in Houston, Texas, with her husband Todd, their 15-year-old daughter, Sofia, and their two Standard Poodles, Chocolate and Oreo. You can find Valeria on Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook.

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How to Connect with Other Special Needs Parents

As a special needs parent, feeling alone is par for the course. Breaking through life’s busyness to build relationships can be hard. Today, guest blogger Kristin Faith Evans provides suggestions and resources for special needs parents so that you can find the support you need.

Our compassionate God “comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God” (2 Corinthians 1:3-4, NIV).

Caring for a child with a chronic illness or disability often isolates special needs parents. Yet, social support is a critical factor in helping disability parents thrive. Sometimes it takes energy, courage, and creativity, but there are many ways that special needs parents can connect.

Barriers to Connection

Possibly two of the biggest hurdles to spending time with other special needs parents are the constant caregiving demands and maybe even the medical fragility of your child. You may feel exhausted just thinking about lining up caregiving, planning for your child’s needs, or packing up all their gear to go somewhere. These can be difficult barriers to overcome. But it’s not impossible.

You might also wonder, “What’s the point? No one can understand what I’m going through.” I felt this way when my medically complex daughter, Bethany Grace, was little. Every caregiving parent has their own unique story. However, though your experiences may not be exactly the same, there are other parents who can relate to what you’re going through and empathize with you.

Benefits of Support:

Social isolation can increase mental health symptoms, strain relationships, and impede adapting, but special needs parents who do find social support:

Become more resilient

Lower their stress levels

Improve their mental health

Strengthen their relationships

Cope and adapt better

Find new perspective

Support Groups

If you aren’t already, I encourage you to attend a support group. Ideally, you could attend in person, but sometimes that’s just not feasible, or there may not be a group in your area. If this is the case, there are also live online groups. By attending a support group, you can:

Feel understood and encouraged

Receive grief support

Process faith questions and struggles

Learn tips and discover resources

Help encourage other parents

Build new friendships

These are some possible places to find a support group in your area:

Churches with disability ministries (find a church at Key Ministry)
Local children’s hospitals
Pediatric therapy centers
Local Facebook groups
Your child’s syndrome organization regional chapter

Other ways to connect:

Strike up a conversation during your child’s therapy session
Meet other parents at your child’s school
Enroll your child in Special Olympics to talk on the sidelines
Go to a special needs family camp or retreat

I hope that you’re able to connect with other special needs parents in more meaningful ways.

What’s one way you find support from other parents? Please share your idea in the comments.

Blessings,

Kristin

Additional Resources:

Parent to Parent USA

Rising Above Ministries

Walk Right In Ministries

Joni & Friends

Wonderfully Made Family Camp

Especially for Dads (since there are fewer resources):

The Special Fathers Network

The Dad’s Fire Circle

Dads on Special Assignment (DOSA)

Dad to Dad FB Group

Special Needs and Disabilities Life of Dad FB Group

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Photo by Clay Banks on Unsplash

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Kristin lives with her husband, Todd, and their two children in the Nashville, TN area. She is an author, speaker, mental health counselor, and a mom of two children with rare genetic disorders and complex needs. Her greatest passion is teaming up with her husband to empower other parents of children with disabilities, mental health disorders, and medical complications. She hopes that you may find encouragement and support on their website www.DisabilityParenting.com.