Today’s post comes from a special needs dad. This special needs dad speaks for Joel, his son who can’t always communicate his emotions. He also speaks of his love for his son and the journey they have walked together for almost 42 years. Do you have a tissue box with you? No? You’ll want to get one.

My Name Is Joel

My name is Joel. I love, accept, respect, forgive, and honor myself. The labels professionals and others have given me are: behavior disorder, moderate mental retardation, ventricular septa defect, hypotonic, bilateral gynecomastia, mild facial abnormalities, pervasive developmental disorder, autism, hyper-anxiety, obsessive compulsive disorder and perhaps others. An added trait in actuality is I struggle with expressing my feelings, understanding my environment and all communications. My communication skills are not those others believe I have.

My childhood was great as I had loving parents, accepting and supporting siblings and a friendly environment with freedom to grow and learn in. My mother pursued for me many opportunities in preschool, involvement in church classes for youngsters, Special Olympics and other events. I had great grade school teachers.

My world began to change in middle school with more isolation and less understanding teachers. I learned about the time out room and its isolation. With my parents and siblings assistance I learned spelling, math, and reading as these were long homework assignments each evening my family helped me with. At the final staffing of middle school, the adviser of the high school said that I would not make it at my high school. My parents didn’t believe that.

High school was different. I liked homeroom but was moved to a more restricted closed room with a ratio of one teacher, one aid to four students. I struggled in that kind of classroom. I began to realize the “fight or flight” aspects of living. I was growing tall. Communication and understanding was very difficult–still is. I began to see that others would back away at certain times. The teacher used to count, even video, my trips to the bathroom each school day. They told my parents I would go to the bathroom 50 or more times a day. I graduated from high school with my last several years learning at home and at our county developmental center.

Today I’m struggling and working toward maturing with the gifts I already have and many yet to surface. I love, respect, accept, forgive, and honor myself. I am a good person.

Deep within me is an accumulation of emotions, memories, and thoughts resulting from experiences received from grabbing, throwing me to the ground, tie downs, verbal and other physical abuses, and isolation. Since I left my parents home 16 years ago, there have been over 250 caregivers which have been with me for varying lengths of time at 6 different residences.

I know in spite of the labels given me, even though I have autism, anxiety, and fears I am searching for acceptance, trust, understanding, and an improvement of communication skills from me to others and others to me. I really know I can add to the gifts I do have of a calm, gentleness, kindness, and understanding. There are those moments of confusion and or pain perhaps from not being able to communicate or from physical pain as a result of my surgeries in the year 2007.

In spite of my physical problems due to changes in my body, how to live fully with those changes and the medications prescribed for me, I am to be a person made in the image and likeness of our Creator.

Others have received my moments of kindness, calmness, and cooperation. Some have experience my grabbing, kicking, hair-pulling, and other physical accounts. They were wounded emotionally causing heart pain and tears. I ask forgiveness to those I have hurt in any way.

Even if all of this is in my background, I’m not those negative emotions, memories, and experiences. I, Joel, must have a way to learn, explore, and reach for understanding, acceptance, and forgiveness, especially forgiveness of myself and love.

I, Joel, have a life. My only possession. My life to live fully, even with the influence of autism, OCD, and anxiety. My life would be fuller if only I could communicate my feelings and words and understand words of others who can guide, support, encourage, and bear with me as I seek maturity, seeking to be the person so as to reflect the goodness and love of our heavenly Father.

Even though I have all the labels, those both written and verbalized, I love myself, accept myself, respect myself, forgive myself, and honor myself. I am not the emotions and memories of the past. I’m like a cocoon ready to emerge out into the world as a beautiful butterfly to be.

Written by Joel’s Dad
–waiting for the butterfly to emerge–
letting all the life-giving and more life-giving moments
of the past 36 years of Joel’s life evaporate,
looking and yearning for the butterfly.
Father’s Day 2008

Your Special Needs Dad Wishes?

This special needs dad desires for his son to love, respect, accept, forgive and honor himself as created in the image of God. What does the special needs dad in your life wish for your children. You’re invited to share them in the comment box.

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