Mindset Does Matter on This Special Needs Journey

by jphilo | Jun 22, 2022 | Different Dream, Encouragement, Self-Care and Stress, Special Needs Parenting

Mindset Does Matter on This Special Needs Journey

Mindset does matter on this special needs journey. Many years after her son’s diagnosis, guest blogger Sandy Ramsey-Trayvick discovered how choosing to change her mindset allowed her and her family to live more joyfully. In this post, she guides caregiving parents through the same process.

During the earlier part of my 20+ year journey as a special needs mom, I put the dreams and hopes I’d had for my life in the back of my mind—far from view. Without realizing it, I slowly began developing a mindset about my special needs life that would later leave me feeling trapped by our family’s circumstances.

Although I knew that my family had been blessed in so many ways, the constraints, the difficulties, the weariness were all real—and, silently, I had started to resent them.

Rather than proactively brainstorming and trying new approaches that might allow for more freedom, fulfillment, or joy, I had become conditioned to just let things be. And, because everything was already so hard, trying something new—that might not work—didn’t seem worth the energy or the risk. So instead I stayed in a reactive mode, ignoring opportunities to choose differently.

Many years later the Lord gave this way of thinking a name and showed me that mindset does matter. He called it a disabled life mindset, and revealed that, because I was so focused on the things in my life that were hard or painful, I wasn’t able to see the possibilities for greater freedom, vibrancy, and joy.

God wanted me to be joyful in my circumstances so I could see His way forward despite my circumstances.

As the Lord helped me to see how this mindset was at work in my life, He made it clear that living a disabled life was not His plan for me or my family. Even in the face of the real difficulties that were present in our life as a special needs family, He revealed that we still had the power to choose our responses. He showed us that mindset does matter.

While there were certainly things we couldn’t change, how we chose to respond to the situations we faced would impact the quality of our lives more than anything else.

We had the power to choose:

- whether we’d remain stuck in regretful inaction or move forward, inspired by hope
- whether we’d live in defeat or with joy and gratitude.

We had to look at all the choices that were available to us, and ask questions that would help us figure out how we could make the most of our unique special needs journey.

The types of questions we’ve asked and continue to ask are:

- What is God’s perspective/purpose/promise here?

- What do I believe about my circumstances? What is the basis of my belief? How does it align with what God says?

- How does my role as a special needs parent fit into who I already am?

- What’s most important here for me and my family?

- What choices do we have?

- What do we need to learn?

- What do we need to let go of?

Admittedly, changing mindsets can be hard work. But God is with us to help because He knows that mindset does matter. With Him, we can succeed at learning how to live more free, more joyful, and more fulfilling lives.

One choice at a time.

One step at a time.

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Sandy and her husband are parents to three young adult children. Their son was diagnosed with multiple disabilities 21 years ago after a devastating illness as a toddler. Following her son’s diagnosis, Sandy quit her job to become his full-time caregiver and advocate.

Sandy is currently a Certified Professional Coach. Her focus is to come alongside other special needs parents, helping them to recognize choices that will enable them to reclaim freedom, renew purpose, and reactivate joy.

You can learn more about Sandy, her work and her blog at www.UNDisabledLIVES.org. You can also reach her at Sandy@UNDisabledLIVES.org.

Author Jolene Philo

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Finding Joy in the Garden of Disability and Special Needs

Finding joy in the garden of disability and special needs is a lot like finding zucchinis in the pumpkin patch. Both provide abundant and delicious harvests as guest blogger Heather Johnson explains in this post.

I kneel in my garden bed. It has been freshly tilled and spread with a layer of composted manure. We have an ample supply, given that we have four horses on our farm. As rust-breasted bluebirds flit to-and-from nearby nesting boxes, I’m thinking about raising vegetables, flowers, and kids with special needs for the past twenty-five years. Today, pumpkins are my main goal.

I pull soil toward me with my arms, making six large mounds, each six feet apart. I plunge twelve cream-colored teardrops into each heap of sun-kissed earth.

Finished, I stand and brush off my dirt-caked knees, grab the garden hose, and water the invisible seed wonders—seeds holding life just waiting to break through. Kind of like babies waiting for birth.

Many years ago, after planting my first pumpkins, I waited more than a week for them to peek green through the brown. When the pumpkin plants sprouted their first leaves, I noticed some didn’t look like others. Some leaves were rounded, others were angular with slightly jagged edges. Suddenly, I realized I didn’t have just pumpkins—I had zucchini. The seed pack was mixed.

I didn’t get what I expected.

I wanted a patch of large pumpkins to place along our flower garden paths in October. Not having the heart to discard tender new life, I decided to grow pumpkins and zucchini together, learning about their different growth rates, tending needs, and harvest times. Little did I know how unexpected zucchini would bring me abundant joy.

Kind of like raising our three kids with invisible disabilities.

Growing our family has been like growing my garden of unexpected. When we adopted our three kids from Russia twenty-five years ago, we didn’t know they would grow quite differently from other kids. In “seedling” form, they looked the same—no outward appearance of difference. Once they began growing, however, we realized our family “garden patch” would need different tending.

We couldn’t follow the typical growth directions of parenting books or others’ advice based on their own parenting prowess. Our “seeds” were not like other family’s “seeds”. I believed then, and I still believe now, that regardless of growth rates or harvest yields, all life is precious. All life has purpose. All life has promise.

Truth be told, tending our flower and vegetable gardens often exhausts and stretches my muscles into an ache. The same held true for raising kids with invisible disabilities. I was stretched beyond what I thought I could bear, exhausted and achy of heart sometimes. Maybe you too?

May I offer you a refreshing cup of good news?

Whether we’re tending flower and vegetable gardens or our own garden of children, harvest comes, sooner or later. Miniature harvests occur all along the way too. The first ripe raspberry, sweet juice on the tongue. The first witness of a child performing a selfless act to help a hurting other.

Then come the larger, longer growing harvests.

Our kids are not children anymore. They are 30, 28, and 24. They completed high school with special services, healed from multiple surgeries, and overcame emotional difficulties. With assistance, all found employment and enjoy living structured, productive lives. Each are kind and considerate. I love them all, with all their differing abilities, and have come to realize how they’ve tended to my soul all these years as I’ve tended to theirs.

Our unexpected family produced a harvest far more abundant than I imagined. We’ve grown love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control (Galatians 5:22-23 NIV). We’ve learned we’re all precious humans needing each other’s differing abilities to bring about abundant harvest. And we anticipate each new day as a gift from God, helping others realize their precious place and purpose in this often dark and hurting world.

Now, back to my knees, tending to this spring’s pumpkins and zucchini. I planted them both on purpose. This year, like all years since the first unexpected planting, I’m finding joy in the garden of disability and special needs and looking forward to much blessing.

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Heather MacLaren Johnson and her husband have three kids, all five and under when adopted from Russia. Now young adults, all need regular help with their multiple, permanent, invisible disabilities stemming from prenatal exposure to alcohol (FASD).

Heather has B.S. in Education and a doctorate in Clinical Psychology. She is the author of Grace, Truth, & Time: Facilitating Small Groups That Thrive and has published personal essays in The Wonder Years: 40 Women Over 40 on Aging, Faith, Beauty, and Strength (Kregel Publications) and Your Story Matters: Finding, Writing, and Living the Truth of Your Life (NavPress). She’s writing a memoir about her family’s journey through hidden disabilities and mental illness to encourage others to greater intimacy with God and each other through times of desolation and lament.

Heather and her husband of 27 years live with two horses, two dogs, two barn cats, and a bunch of silk plants she just dusts. Heather writes and photographs at www.truelifewithgod.com.