Ways to Speak Words of Affirmation and Quality Time to Kids with Special Needs

Ways to Speak Words of Affirmation and Quality Time to Kids with Special Needs

by | Apr 1, 2021 | Different Dream, How-Tos

Ways to Speak Words of Affirmation and Quality Time to Kids with Special Needs

Ways to speak words of affirmation and quality time to kids with special needs aren’t hard to cook up. Doing so requires three simple ingredients. 

The first is determining the child’s love language, a process described in the previous post in this series. The second is to review the two child development concepts mentioned in Love Is a Child’s First Language, another post in the series. The third is Sharing Love Abundantly in Special Needs Families: The 5 Love Languages® for Parents Raising Children with Disabilties. 

Chapter 5 of Sharing Love Abundantly is packed with accounts from parents raising kids with disabilities and special needs about how they use words of affirmation and quality time with their kids, as well as more ideas list at the end of the chapter. Here’s a taste of what it contains.

Words of Affirmation

  • Creating a victory wall
  • Throwing a hero party
  • Singing a customized bedtime song
  • Writing lunchbox notes
  • Giving specific praise
  • Compiling a “My Quotable Kid” book

Quality Time

  • Attending sensory movies
  • Completing Highlights magazine puzzles in doctor’s waiting room
  • Chase Pokemon together
  • Walk the dog together
  • Take bike rides with an adaptive or tandem bike
  • Use the summer to find the best vanilla ice cream in town

These are just the tip of the love language ideas found in Sharing Love Abundantly. The next post in this series will feature ideas about how to adapt Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch for our kids. Until then, try out the ideas above and see how your child responds to them.

Other articles in this series:

The Love Languages and Special Needs Families: A Good Combination

Basic Love Language Concepts to Ease Stress and Increase Joy in Caregiving Families

Threats to Caregiving Marriages and How To Fight Them 

Love Is a Child’s First Language

Determining the Love Language of a Child with Special Needs or a Disability 

Ways To Speak Gifts and Acts of Service to Kids with Special Needs 

Speaking Healthy Physical Touch to Kids with Special Needs

Using the Love Languages with Siblings of Kids with Special Needs and Disabilities 

Extended Family Members Can Use the Love Languages to Encourage Caregiving Parents

Communicating Your Child’s Love Language to Medical Professionals

Communicating Your Child’s Love Language to Educators 

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Jolene Philo is the author of the Different Dream series for parents of kids with special needs. She speaks at parenting and special needs conferences around the country. She’s also the creator and host of the Different Dream website. Sharing Love Abundantly With Special Needs Families: The 5 Love Languages® for Parents Raising Children with Disabilities, which she co-authored with Dr. Gary Chapman, was released in August of 2019 and is available at local bookstores, their bookstore website, and at Amazon.

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Friend in Me for Kids with Disabilities

Friend in Me for Kids with Disabilities

by | Mar 30, 2021 | Advocacy, Books and Resources, Different Dream

Friend in Me for Kids with Disabilities

Friend in Me is a website that encourages friendships between kids with disabilities and neurotypical peers. It’s the brainchild of Julia and her brother Troy. In this guest post, Julia explains how Friend in Me came into being and how kids can join the fun.

My brother Troy is one of my best friends. He keeps me company when I am stressing over homework and tells me a cow knock-knock joke whenever I seem sad. Even though he is so funny and sweet, it’s been challenging for him to find friends at school. Troy has a diagnosis of autism, so he has a hard time making conversation and socializing with his peers.

Inspired by my brother, I started Friend in Me, a free online social group that connects kids with disabilities between the ages of 8 and 18 with neurotypical student volunteers through fun online games and conversation. Three Zooms are offered on a weekly basis. On these Zooms, buddies, who are paired up in advance, go into individual breakout rooms where they have one-one-one conversations and play games like Minecraft, Connect 4, Roblox, hangman, tic tac toe, and checkers. We try to pair the same buddies together every week if they are a good fit, so individuals have a chance to develop lasting friendships. The program now includes around 200 participants and volunteers and is expanding to other parts of the country, including cities like Chicago and Boston.

Many parents have told me that Friend in Me has given their children a new source of friendship and a chance to practice their social and communication skills. One of the first participants who joined Friend in Me has found many friends through the program. He and one of his buddies have become super close, and they now facetime and text each other all the time even outside of Friend in Me sessions. Friend in Me has also been a positive and eye-opening experience for student volunteers. When my close friend first joined Friend in Me, she was nervous that the conversation would be awkward and not flow well, but she soon realized how much she and her buddy had in common. My friend now insists on doing every Zoom. My favorite part about Friend in Me, however, is the lasting friendships that have developed because of it. I have been with my buddy since the very beginning, and she and I are really good friends now. We will just talk and laugh about the most random things.

Even though we do not all live near each other, Friend in Me gives kids an opportunity to connect with people they would not have otherwise met and develop friendships with them through similar interests or fun activities.

If anyone is interested in joining Friend in Me, either as a participant or a volunteer, please contact info@friendinmegroup.org. For more information about Friend in Me, feel free to visit our website located at friendinmegroup.org.

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Julia Sansing is a junior in high school living in Santa Monica, California. She founded Friend in Me during the pandemic in the summer of 2020 to help her brother and other kids like him find social connections with neurotypical peers. Julia is currently focused on expanding Friend in Me nationwide. Julia truly believes that if she can reach enough kids that she can begin to change the way that kids with disabilities are viewed by other kids and even by themselves.

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4 Ways to Strengthen a Marriage While Raising Kids with Disabilities

4 Ways to Strengthen a Marriage While Raising Kids with Disabilities

by | Mar 24, 2021 | Different Dream, How-Tos

4 Ways to Strengthen a Marriage While Raising Kids with Disabilities

4 ways to strengthen a marriage while raising kids with disabilities may seem like 3 too many in the middle of a pandemic. Jessica Temple, neuropsychologist and mom to 2 sons with special needs, syas they were a great help to her and her husband this past year.

My husband, Lewis, and I knew that having children would transform our relationship. When our oldest child was diagnosed with autism, our lives became chaotic, straining our relationship. Once COVID hit, we were home 24/7 and stressed beyond belief. The experience put such tension on our relationship, we weren’t sure what to do. But we were committed to one another and our relationship, so we looked for ways to make things work for us amidst the chaos. Our relationship took a turn for the better when we implemented these 4 ways to strengthen a marriage while raising kids with disabilities.

 Nurture Your Support Network

Include friends and families, but also support groups, other parents of children with special needs, psychotherapists, and even marriage counselors in your network. Ask for help when you need it. Reach out to them as often as you need to. Having others as a sounding board or to help guide decisions is exceptionally beneficial. 

Manage Expectations

Expectations change when parents raise children with special needs. We get caught up in the fast-paced life and place high expectations on ourselves. This adds to the strain so it’s important for partners to take short breaks. Think about what it was that brought you together.  What did you like about them in the beginning and what attracts you to them now. Seek out opportunities in to rediscover those qualities in your partner now to help you recall why you loved them to begin with. 

You don’t have to like everything about your spouse. Acknowledging this can relieve some of the burden. Moreover, we all have different ways of completing tasks. That’s fine. Tasks will still get done, perhaps differently, but still completed. Things don’t have to be perfect, even if it may feel that way. Practice forgiving your partner, and try to find humor in everything, even things that drive you mad! 

Open Lines of Communication

Communication is key when raising a child with special needs. We can forget to talk to each other, so reach out to your spouse when you’re struggling. Open a dialogue about your wants and needs, both as a spouse and as a parent. Look for ways to support each other. Share your feelings toward the situations. What are you having trouble coping with? What are your frustration points? Discussing them will help you feel understood and to solve problems that arise. Considering ways to divvy up responsibilities will make your arrangement feel more equal. 

Steer clear of blaming. Instead, listen to one another with compassion. Notice and compliment what is done well. Remember that you’re on the same parenting team. Put your heads together to break the problem down into smaller pieces to make it more manageable to solve. 

Spend Quality Time With One Another

For a healthy relationship, it’s imperative to spend time with each other. Look at your week and see what time you can fit in with your partner, even if you have to schedule it.  Activities can be as small as a quick bedtime kiss and a “goodnight.” You can learn something new together, like cooking, or a date night. Or have date night at home. Watch a show, cook dinner together, play a game, read to one another, or do a craft. Enjoy quality time with your partner and laugh together. Be spontaneous with a simple “I love you” text, a special treat, a passing kiss or hug or neck massage. Keep intimacy alive, even though it may look different than before having kids. Intimacy doesn’t have to always mean sex. It can mean snuggling, holding hands, kissing, giving a sweet massage, or buying small gifts. 

Times are hard. Sometimes, it doesn’t feel like you and your partner will make it through. By implementing these 4 ways to strengthen a marriage while raising kids with disabilities to tweak your relationship. They can make you feel better as individuals, parents, and partners. Your relationship is worth it!

Do you like what you see at DifferentDream.com? You can receive more great content by subscribing to the monthly Different Dream newsletter and signing up for the daily RSS feed delivered to your email inbox. You can sign up for the first in the pop up box and the second at the bottom of this page.

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Jessica Temple, PsyD, ABPP-CN, is a board-certified adult clinical neuropsychologist. She has two children who have special needs. She and her husband, Lewis, host a podcast called Thriving in The Midst of Chaos, where they talk about all aspects of special needs including getting a diagnosis and treatment, self-care, relationships, transitioning to adulthood, school, and finances. They created Thriving in The Midst of Chaos to offer support to others in the special needs world as well as to provide an easy way to find the most useful resources. They aim to share helpful resources with others, advocate for improvement, change in the special needs world, and offer a different perspective on parenting.    To find out more about how Jessica’s work can help you, contact her at fubarpod@gmail.com or @midstofchaospod on all social media platforms.  

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Caregiving in a Culture of Outrage

Caregiving in a Culture of Outrage

by | Mar 22, 2021 | Different Dream, How-Tos

Caregiving in a Culture of Outrage

Caregiving in a culture of outrage is a huge challenge. Parents of kids with special needs and disabilities who use social media to engage with other caregiving families have to wade through the outrage before they can connect. What do they have to contend with in the swamp?

Nasty memes.
Dubious news articles gone viral.
Ugly accusations.
Personal attacks.
Language that surely grieves the heart of God.

I wade into the swamp each morning to post encouragement on my Facebook page for caregiving families. 

Every step of the way I fight discouragement.
I push away angry thoughts toward those posting views unlike my own.
I fight the temptation to go down rabbit holes.

Caregiving in a culture of outrage isn’t easy for me or for the parents I desire to encourage. These three strategies help me keep from being sucked into the swamp, and I hope they do the same for you.

Strategy #1: Evaluate and Control What You See on Social Media

Ask yourself these three questions to evaluate and control your social media news feeds.

  • Does this post give me life or suck away my joy? If it gives life, read it. If it sucks joy, scroll past it. Or if it comes from someone whose posts consistently drain your joy (joy you need to be the positive caregiver your child deserves), snooze whoever it is for 30 days, hide their posts, or unfriend the person.

To read the rest of Caregiving in a Culture of Outrage, visit Key Ministry’s blog for parents.

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Jolene Philo is the author of the Different Dream series for parents of kids with special needs. She speaks at parenting and special needs conferences around the country. She’s also the creator and host of the Different Dream website. Sharing Love Abundantly With Special Needs Families: The 5 Love Languages® for Parents Raising Children with Disabilities, which she co-authored with Dr. Gary Chapman, was released in August of 2019 and is available at local bookstores, their bookstore website, and at Amazon.

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St. Practice Day Wisdom

St. Practice Day Wisdom

by | Mar 17, 2021 | Different Dream, Holidays

St. Practice Day Wisdom

In honor of two important people in my family, Happy St. Patrick’s Day! The first person is my maternal grandmother, Josephine Estelle Newell Hess. She was named after her father, Joseph Newell, who immigrated from Ireland to Canada to Iowa where he became a successful farmer. The second person is my three-year-old granddaughter. She can hardly wait for St. Practice Day to arrive.

That’s right. She calls it St. Practice Day. 

None of the four adults who live at our house can bear to correct her. In fact, we encourage her to say St. Practice Day at every opportunity. The more she does, the more firmly I believe her pronunciation is an apt metaphor for the past year spent waiting for the pandemic to end and for life to return to something akin to normal, which is taking much longer than most of us anticipated.

Back to St. Practice Day.

Waiting is a huge part of being a writer. For a doer like me, waiting made me crazy when I entered the profession. Sometimes it still does. But not as often as before because I changed the way I think about it. Waiting, I’ve come to understand, is practice. That perspective has made me view the past 12 months, which decimated my 2020 speaking and book sale income, with a sense of anticipation.

2020 became, at least for me, a St. Practice Year.

There was time to practice writing fiction and find a publisher to launch the West River Mystery Series. There was time to convert teacher training workshops to a virtual format and practice the technology required. There was time to explore the possibility of creating an undergraduate or graduate level education class about trauma in children. Because 2020 was a year of waiting–make that practicing–those 3 ideas are becoming 2021 realities.

I encourage you to reframe the past year, to view it not as a year of waiting, but as a year with time to explore new ideas. To practice new skills. To discover that you’re now equipped to do something brand new and unexpected.

What are you waiting for?

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Jolene Philo is the author of the Different Dream series for parents of kids with special needs. She speaks at parenting and special needs conferences around the country. She’s also the creator and host of the Different Dream website. Sharing Love Abundantly With Special Needs Families: The 5 Love Languages® for Parents Raising Children with Disabilities, which she co-authored with Dr. Gary Chapman, was released in August of 2019 and is available at local bookstores, their bookstore website, and at Amazon.

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Life with a Rare Disease in 20 Enchanting Moments

Life with a Rare Disease in 20 Enchanting Moments

by | Mar 16, 2021 | Different Dream, Special Needs Parenting

Life with a Rare Disease in 20 Enchanting Moments

Life with a rare disease is often portrayed as a series of challenges. But these 20 word pictures from guest blogger Laura Spiegel show the enchanting life of a little girl who happens to have cystic fibrosis. 

Sometimes, I think my daughter’s cystic fibrosis is the least rare thing about her. She dazzles brighter than a thousand suns and lives with a gusto entirely her own. Here are 20 enchanting moments of her seven-year-old life with a rare disease.

  1. She parades down the street in heart glasses and a ladybug umbrella, but only when the sun is shining.
  2. Her Dairy Queen order is unfailingly consistent. A rainbow popsicle with a unicorn on top. To date, DQ has yet to stock this delicacy.
  3. She delivers flower petals and small notes to our neighbors. Not the kids, but the adults. Doesn’t matter if she just met you. You’re getting a doorstep delivery.
  4. She wrote a book about a boy named Smyth. Everything in Smyth’s life came up roses…until he was snatched from his room by a blob.
  5. She recently told me that her brain hid under the covers at night with a flashlight and a scary story. That’s how bad dreams are made. 
  6. She’s developed a newfound love of plant maintenance. Watering is her jam. Lest we forget, a sign reminds the rest of us to “keep out.” P.S. She “means it.”
  7. She wants to sell the lawnmower. Moving forward, she will be plucking the grass by hand.
  8. Her favorite outfit is a red Minnie Mouse shirt, magenta pants, and orange knee socks adorned with spiders. Beware the socks. They bite.
  9. Last Christmas, she gave me the best gift I’ve ever received. It was a book by Lisa Wingate. She found it on Amazon by searching for “chapter books for moms.”
  10. She has requested a twin sister named Ellie. The sole purpose is for playing tricks on others.
  11. She makes Unicorn Squad videos on the regular. Most feature hulahooping or other amazing feats. One was a 45-minute tutorial on how to dust a barstool.
  12. She went wild with the temporary hair color while I was out. It’s not so temporary, but she sports her blue patch with pride.
  13. She spent all her money on a globe, then made a list of places she wants to travel. First up: Alashankou, China.
  14. Six months ago, she wrote a song about a mermaid and a big, bad bee. It had several verses and matching moves. I am routinely pop quizzed on what I can remember. (I have yet to pass). 
  15. She runs a cafe in our kitchen called Cookies. Cookies does not serve dessert; just honey sandwiches with a healthy dose of red pepper seasoning. The fare is surprising…spicy.
  16. Her favorite show is The Bachelor. It’s not so age-appropriate, but she’s committed to seeing if her top pick will win. 
  17. She sleeps with a lamb perched atop her head at night. It protects her from nightmares, presumably by selecting the stories her brain gets to read.
  18. She likes to transcribe my phone calls on the driveway in chalk. “Mommy is talking to the doctor.” “Mommy is mad at So-and-So.” Let’s hope So-and-So isn’t local…
  19. She takes 213 pills each week to help her manage her with a rare disease. The bigger the fistful, the better, in her eyes. Choking hazards be damned.
  20. To avoid respiratory therapy the other day, she told us that she “didn’t have CF anymore.” Mad points for creativity. 

Cystic fibrosis is a big part of my daughter’s life, but it does not define her. Sure, there are days where treatments get in the way of what she’d rather be doing. Where we have to turn down an invitation because the germs aren’t worth the risk. But seven years in, my daughter’s life bursts with a vibrancy that soars well beyond a diagnosis code. 

Like all of our children who live with special medical, developmental, or behavioral health care needs, she deserves to be celebrated for her hopes. For her dreams. For all the colors of her personality. 

And like all of our children, she leads a life with a rare disease in a way that is entirely her own.

Do you like what you see at DifferentDream.com? You can receive more great content by subscribing to the monthly Different Dream newsletter and signing up for the daily RSS feed delivered to your email inbox. You can sign up for the first in the pop up box and the second at the bottom of this page.

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Laura Spiegel spent 12 years at the world’s largest biotech company, partnering with professionals and care teams to help people with special needs and disabilities lead full and happy lives. In 2013 her daughter was diagnosed with cystic fibrosis. Laura now hosts Paint Her in Color, a website that offers emotional support to parents of children with special medical, developmental, or behavioral health care needs. When she isn’t reading, writing, or soaking up time with her husband and kids, Laura can be reached at Paint Her in Color, by email at laura@paintherincolor.com, and on Facebook and Twitter.

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