Messy Life, But Not Alone

Messy Life, But Not Alone

by | Nov 7, 2012 | Different Dream, Encouragement, Spiritual Support

Messy Life, But Not Alone

Messy. That’s the word guest blogger Rebekah Benimoff uses to describe recent events in her life. Though surrounded by messiness, she found reasons to be grateful. Her story may open your eyes to reasons you can be grateful, too.

Messy Life, Messy Bits

Here’s one of my favorite quotes from Letters to Juliet: “Life is the messy bits.” Vanessa Redgrave’s character gives us a charming reminder that life without the messy bits is not real life.

Messy Bits All Day Long

Yet it can be overwhelming when life seems to be only messy bits. This week my own life included a trip to the children’s hospital. Tyler was a little trooper despite a full day of bloods testing and x-rays, and lots of waiting in hospital halls stretched before us as he was poked and prodded. Most of the day I was not panicked—just weary and longing for resolution. At one point I found myself having a moment.

Messy Bit Moment

I was sitting on the floor next to a pile of blankets and bags and diabetes supplies, waiting for my boy to come out of the bathroom. And I was tired. Not just physically tired, for there are times when weariness reaches past the soul and into the spirit. And during that very long wait, I leaned my head back, and clung to the hope that we truly were on our way to answers of some sort. About then, my phone beeped. Signal came through and prayers and well wishes and messages of love filled up my screen—and my heart.

Messy Life, But Not Alone

Tears of gratitude flowed as I was reminded that even when my life is messy, I am not alone. What a relief! When life is chaotic, and outcomes uncertain, I do not really need a neatly arranged picture of a religious icon. What I really need in the messiness and the muck and the blood and guts and various other bodily fluids is those reminders that I am not in this alone. I don’t need pat answers, or explanations of how this is all part of God’s plan. I need what is real and tangible, even through an inbox: prayer and community and support.

What touched me most was not having everything miraculously revealed. What spoke to my gaping needs was not an answer. What encouraged my heart was the knowledge that though I was down on the floor in a hospital hallway with a sick kid stuck in the bathroom, I was not forsaken. I was not alone. Support was tangible, and tears of gratitude and release streamed down my face as I participated in the fellowship of prayers offered for my boy—and for me.

Messy Bits and God’s Compassion

When needs in your life spin out of control, who do you go to? Do you let it be known that you are struggling? It might be second nature to try to pull yourself up by your own boot straps and march on, but I am learning that when I reach out for help beyond myself I gain so very much!

When my life is lived in the messy bits, human hearts are a beautiful conductor of divine compassion. What sustains and encourages is the sweet outpouring of love: friendship offered, hands held out, cyberspace and hospital waiting rooms bridged, anxieties soothed, rest given. This is one more way that God offers provision. All we need to do is let needs me known and be willing accept the much need help.

How Do You Know You’re Not Alone When Life Gets Messy?

Do you identify with Rebekah’s situation? Can you remember a time when you realized you weren’t alone in the messy bits of life? Leave a comment to share your story.

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Rebekah Benimoff is the wife of a husband with PTSD and the mother of two young men, both of whom grew up with medical and special needs. She blogs at In the Chaos…. and In the Calm (justmemama.blogspot.com).

Author Jolene Philo

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More Filled with Faith or Doubt?

More Filled with Faith or Doubt?

by | Nov 2, 2012 | Church Newsletter Columns

But you can’t be serious!
    You can’t condone evil!
So why don’t you do something about this?
    Why are you silent now?
This outrage! Evil men swallow up the righteous
    and you stand around and watch!
Habakkuk 1:13

The boxes in our attic are ordinary enough. A mix of old, dusty cardboard boxes and plastic tubs. Some of them house my journals, years and years worth of innocuous spiral notebooks and speckled composition books filled with my deepest thoughts and prayers. No one but me has ever read them. That’s a relief because they also contain plenty of edgy questions for God, too.

Raw questions about why he allowed our newborn baby to suffer. Hard questions about why good people are punished for doing what is right. Uncensored questions about why God doesn’t stop airplanes from flying into skyscrapers. Not stuff I want other people to see. Except perhaps our kids once I’m gone, so they can see the real me–a woman filled with more doubts than faith when exposed to the grimy, gritty side of life.

A quick read through Habakkuk makes me wonder if the prophet intended for anyone to read what what he wrote after his vision of the invasion of Judah.

  • God, how long do I have to cry out for help before you listen?
  • How many times do I have to yell, “Help! Murder! Police!” before you come to the rescue?
  • Why do you force me to look at evil, stare trouble in the face day after day?
  • So why don’t you do something about this?
  • Why are you silent now?

Would Habakkuk have written down these questions if he’d known his words would be read for several millenniums? Or would he have toned things down a bit?

I don’t know. But this I do know. We can be thankful Habakkuk recorded his questions, undiluted and uncensored. We can be more thankful that God saw fit to make Habakkuk’s raw, pain-filled words part of his holy Word. Because their presence in the canon of Scripture means our God welcomes our questions when life gets grimy and gritty.

In the rest of Habakkuk, God shows that he is big enough to handle our hard questions. Furthermore, he demonstrates that when we ask hard questions, he will give answers. Not always as quickly as we’d like. And not always the answer we want. Instead, he consistently gives the answers we need when we need them. And by his sovereign wisdom and power, he uses those unexpected, untimely, and sometimes unwanted answers to fill our hearts with more faith than doubt and to shape us into the real people he created us to be.

A Faith Lens When Special Needs Parenting Clouds Your Vision

A Faith Lens When Special Needs Parenting Clouds Your Vision

by | Sep 11, 2012 | Different Dream, Encouragement, Spiritual Support

A Faith Lens When Special Needs Parenting Clouds Your Vision

Faith can be a hard thing to hang onto when raising kids with special needs. Today, new guest blogger Michelle Selent writes about recent adventures parenting two daughters with fetal alcohol syndrome that are making it hard for her to keep faith.

Finding My Faith Lens

This post I am about to write is my least favorite kind of post. The kind where I don’t have clear vision. Where a haze is all that is visible in every direction. I wrestle during these times if I should even write, but I am compelled to because someone is out there, maybe not at this moment but maybe coming behind me, that will be where I am at and they will need to know they are not alone. They will need to feel some sense of comradeship.

Finding My Faith Lens in the Midst of School Troubles

I am having a hard time finding my faith lenses. The struggles with the girls have been hard and many lately. To begin, we had to make a school decision that was very hard to make. The Christian preschool we put them in, well… reality set in. Jubilee’s behaviors were described as overwhelming. Our hearts completely sank as once again we were sitting in a meeting about our daughter and hearing the same things once again. Eric wasn’t shocked. I think he prepared himself for reality better than my hopeful Mama’s heart. We felt it was best to decide to go back to public school just for the safety. At the public school, they can’t decide her behaviors are too much. They have to educate her. Everywhere she goes her cuteness fades, reality sets in, and she becomes “that” kid. You know—the one who is exhausting and frustrating and always has issues. Medications have brought no help at this point either. In fact, the side effects are ones I am not willing to inflict upon my child.

Finding My Faith Lens While Potty Training

Potty training remains a complete mystery. I do know how to potty train a child. I mean, I have successfully trained 4 boys in the past, but I am completely stumped with these girls.  A little over a week ago after she had peed on the sidewalk, Jubilee proudly took my hand to show me the puddle then grinned ear to ear and said, “Look, Mommy! I pee pee in the potty.” The dots just don’t connect even if they say and do things that make you think they are connecting, because the next day it will be like starting completely from scratch.

We just came back from a four-day getaway as a family, and I feel like I was beat and left for dead. I cannot even number the times we looked back to see the girls had once again unbuckled from their car seats and were loose as we were driving. The tantrums were also countless. I just kept my eyes to the ground and would not look anyone in the eyes who I knew were starring at this “inept parent” in front of them.

Finding My Faith Lens Despite Fetal Alcohol Syndrome

The big discouragement came when Jubilee decided to pull her not-a-bit-loose tooth out of her head. I had read about F.A.S. children doing this before, and now we are another statistic. These are just some of the numerous three- and four-year-old challenges we daily face, and I cannot even let my mind think about what teenage challenges might be. The ones I have read about are terrifying.

Hidden disabilities are the worst. Your child looks “normal” and can even say the right things, but the actions don’t line up or follow suit. Sometimes we feel like physical presentations of their disabilities would be easier. Maybe others would be more tolerant and understanding.

Praying for Renewed Faith

My lenses right now are experiential. They are caked with the challenges and the behaviors. I am asking God to clear the debris. For light to shine in the darkness. For a renewed faith perspective and hope.

I once again pray these words over my girls:

For I know the plans I have for you, Jubilee and Mercy, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

So even in my hardest struggles, in the deep pits, in the dark…God is here.

Finding Your Faith Lens

Do you understand how Michelle feels? Have you ever felt like she does? Do you feel like she does now? What do you do to renew your faith when all seems dark? Leave a comment.

Do you like what you see at DifferentDream.com? You can receive more great content by subscribing to the quarterly Different Dream newsletter and signing up for the daily RSS feed delivered to your email inbox. You can sign up for the first in the pop-up box and the second at the bottom of this page.

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Michelle is the mother of two adopted daughters with fetal alcohol syndrome. You can connect with her on Instagram.

Author Jolene Philo

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Grief and Hope On the Other Side of the Mountain

Grief and Hope On the Other Side of the Mountain

by | Aug 5, 2012 | Different Dream, Grief, Spiritual Support

Grief and Hope On the Other Side of the Mountain

Grief and loss are emotions experienced daily by parents of kids with special needs. Those emotions can be difficult to share with parents whose kids are healthy and typical. Maybe that’s why parents like us bond deeply and find hope in our relationships with other families in the special needs community. Today, guest blogger Scott Newport gives an example of the importance of hope and those relationships through a story and the poem it spawned.

Grief and Hope on the Other Side of the Mountain

Growing up, I didn’t learn how important it was to listen to others and then engage with them in life. Today, I know a little about it and the importance of relationships. Recently, a woman wrote me this note. Listen to her words, imagine what she sees, and allow yourself to feel the deep emotional side of her epiphany.

I know we have never met, but today I thought of you. I was driving the 3-hour drive with my son to see the cardiologist. On the way, we passed through several rock ledges where rocks (mountains) have been dynamited to make roads. As I drove today, I noticed (for probably the thousandth time) the trees that grow here and there, way up on these sheer rock walls, defying all probabilities. Against all odds. And I thought my son is like those trees. In spite of his heart, in spite of what modern medicine says, he defies the probabilities. He beats the odds. He grows though what should be impossible. And then I thought “Scott would get this. He could write a poem or story, and it would make sense.”

After I read this note I knew what she meant, and I wrote this poem. Originally I thought the words of the poem would be about her son and his life-limiting heart disease but soon found out it was about her hope as a mom. The funny thing is, it’s also about my hope as a father who has lost a son to heart disease.
Anyway I want to thank Sharon for engaging me with this story and my ability to listen beyond the words.

Sharon’s Sky

By Scott Newport

Even though her son
Has heart disease, she
Still drives on looking,
Searching for answers

Standing there in the midst
Of the impossible, her eyes
Open nature one morning
Silently unraveling
A truth she has passed
Many a time
(She told me one thousand times)

The tree perched on
A cliff where soil
Has been etched away
By the winds of poor
Prognoses given
By those who
Pass by

The mountains held
Back by a reverse in
Nature—signs of drilling
And dynamite remain

The sky with seemingly
No foundation except
For her hope to
See another

On the other
Side

How Do You Deal with Grief and Loss

Sharon found hope in grief by sharing with Scott. Scott dealt with his grief and found hope by writing a poem. (He also recommends CompassionateFriends.org as a grief resource.) What outlets provide comfort for your grief? Where do you find hope? What resources and organizations do you recommend? You can reach out to others by leaving your ideas in the comment box.

Do you like what you see at DifferentDream.com? You can receive more great content by subscribing to the quarterly Different Dream newsletter and signing up for the daily RSS feed delivered to your email inbox. You can sign up for the first in the pop-up box and the second at the bottom of this page.

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Scott Newport is a carpenter who has a vision for unwanted, damaged wood. His finds are treasures to his soul. Each discovery he makes unfolds into a beautiful piece of furniture for which he finds a home, usually with a child or caregiver of a child with special needs. He writes about the life lessons he learns from his 3 children, especially from Evan who died in November of 2009 after 7 years of joyful life. To access all of Scott’s guest posts, click on the magnifying glass at the top of the page and type “Scott Newport” in the search box.

Author Jolene Philo

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The House on the Rock

The House on the Rock

by | Jul 2, 2012 | Church Newsletter Columns

Everyone who comes to me and hears my words and does them,
I will show you what he is like:
he is like a man building a house,
who dug deep and laid the foundation on the rock.
Luke 6:47-48

A few days ago, Hiram and I made a quick, midweek trip to Wisconsin to see our son and his wife. The weather was gorgeous, so while the young folk were at work, we explored winding country roads we usually passed by in a hurry. Finally, we had time to investigate the “scenic overlook” mentioned on cryptic road signs ignored during other visits. We parked the car and followed the path, expecting to see a lovely valley complete with a sparkling river, and perhaps one of the large mounds scattered throughout southwest Wisconsin.

Instead, in the distance we could see the famous House on the Rock clinging to the side of a limestone cliff. While I snapped several photos of this feat of engineering, something my dad used to say came to mind. It’s a nice place to visit, but I wouldn’t want to live there.

We hiked back to the car and the the sight-seeing road again. But I kept thinking about the House on the Rock as a metaphor for our lives since Hiram left work early because of back pain in late May. One day he was training for a half- marathon. The next day, the pain was so bad, he couldn’t walk. He spent two weeks in bed. He followed the doctor’s orders and waited for the pain to ease. It didn’t get better, so it was back to the doctor for tests, more waiting for results, then a diagnosis, a referral to a neurosurgeon, and finally successful back surgery.

In the weeks leading up to the diagnosis and surgery, we prayed a lot. We talked a lot. We sat on the edge of our own persona cliff, peering into the unknown and asking God plenty of questions:

Why are you doing this, God?
Will Hiram have to live with this pain the rest of his life?
Will he be able to work again?
Be physically active again?
Should I look for a teaching job?
How will You bring good out of our family’s pain and sickness and unwanted change?

The night before surgery, Hiram said, “I’m ready for whatever the outcome is. Whatever happens, it will be good.”

When he said those words, we didn’t know the surgery would be successful. We were still sitting on the edge of the cliff. We were still peering into the unknown. But in those weeks of uncertainty we learned to cling to the promises and goodness of God. The more we did, the more the Rock beneath our precariously placed feet stood firm.

Immovable.
Unchanging.
Ever present.

Through it all, God impressed upon us a precious truth. Our cliff was not a fun place to visit, but upon the firm foundation of the Rock of Ages was and is the best place to live.