Special Needs Parent Asks, “What’s a Date Night?”

by jphilo | Feb 26, 2013 | Different Dream, How-Tos, Special Needs Parenting

Special Needs Parent Asks, “What’s a Date Night?”

Date night? If you’re the parent of a child with special needs, you may be asking yourself, “What is date night?” Guest blogger Kimberly Drew gives her answer to that question in today’s post.

What’s a Date??!!

Every now and then, I see a friend post something on Facebook about a date they went on with their husband. I want to comment–but refrain–with, “What’s a date??” It’s not that my husband doesn’t want to go out with me, or that I don’t want to go out with him, we’ve just made a really bad habit of not going out together. When we were in premarital counseling, our pastor told us to make sure that we spent quality one-on-one time together at least once a week. At twenty, I remember thinking, “Is this guy crazy?? We’re going to be together EVERY NIGHT!” Well let me tell you, twelve years, three kids, and a full-time ministry later…we’re lucky to go out one night every three months! As the parents of children with special needs, there are more than enough obstacles to having quality time with your spouse. I’d like to offer several suggestions for carving away some time together. Who knows, maybe my husband and I will take my advice!

Date Night without Dinner Out: For starters, we’ve had to let go of the idea that a date has to include dinner. We’ve found that some of our best nights out have been after the kids are in bed. It’s so much easier not to have to worry about anyone feeding our daughter, giving her nighttime meds, and getting all the kids to bed. One of my favorite nights out was for dessert and coffee at a restaurant only a half a mile down the road from our house. We had plenty of time together, enjoyed great conversation, and got home in time to snuggle up on the couch and watch a saved episode of our favorite show before bed. I’m sure that I don’t need to point out the benefit of saved cash!
Date Night on a Budget: That money stuff can be a real problem sometimes too, can’t it? I know that you probably have the same revolving door of medical debt that we do. More often than not, we don’t go out because we don’t have the money to pay for a babysitter and a night out. It’s easier in the warmer months when you can do things outside that are free, but in the cold months like February, you have to get creative. Pick your favorite search engine and take a few minutes to look up some date ideas that don’t cost money.
Date Night Is Quality Time: I also think it’s important to redefine what quality time means. It doesn’t always have to be a “date.” For instance, you could try serving side-by-side at a nonprofit organization of your choice, at your child’s school, or even getting in some exercise together. My husband and I work with senior high students together. We love it, and it’s nice to get involved in something outside of our normal life. It gives us plenty to talk and laugh about too.

Good marriages and relationships take time and work. Don’t let February pass you by without reserving some quality time for each other.

Your Date Night Advice?

Well, Kimberly gave her date night advice, and now it’s your turn. What’s your best date night advice? Or what was your best date night ever? Leave a comment.

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Kimberly grew up and went to college in the small town of Upland, IN. She graduated from Taylor University with a degree in Elementary Education in 2002. While at TU, she married her college sweetheart and so began their adventure! Ryan and Kimberly have four amazing kids on earth (Abigail, Jayden, Ellie, and Cooper), and a baby boy waiting for them in heaven. Their daughter Abigail (Abbey) has multiple disabilities including cerebral palsy, a seizure disorder, hearing loss, microcephaly, and oral dysphagia. She is the inspiration behind Kimberly’s desire to write. In addition to being a stay-at-home mom, Kimberly has been serving alongside her husband in full time youth ministry for almost fourteen years. She enjoys working with the senior high girls, scrapbooking, reading, and music. You can visit Kimberly at her website, Promises and Perspective.

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On Being an Advocate: Speak Up

Advocacy is part of every parent’s job description. As parents of children with special needs, we find ourselves on the job at unexpected times and in unexpected places, as this post by guest blogger Ellen Stumbo shows.

On Being an Advocate: Speak Up!

I first heard his scream among the crowd. That garbled yell that came either too soon or too late. He kicked his stiff leg awkwardly and painfully slowly, his hands in fists and arms curled up close to his body. The rest of the tae-kwon-do team moved in perfect unison. But not him. His father–or a helper–pushed his wheelchair while the team made its way through the small-town 4th of July parade. And while his movements were imperfect, he beamed with pride because it took every ounce of energy to do what he was able to do.

That’s when I saw them.

As I walked back to join my family by the curb of the street, a man and woman kicked their legs mockingly, making rude noises with contorted faces making fun of the young man with cerebral palsy. They laughed, they pointed, and I felt the rush of blood pumping through my veins.

A crowd stood between me and them. To speak up meant I had to go out of my way and around people to get to them. I could have simply walked away. But I couldn’t. What if that was my child? What if that was someone making fun of my daughter with cerebral palsy? What if they were mocking my little girl with Down syndrome? What would the mother of that young man do?

I had to speak up, so I made my way through the crowd. “Excuse me,” I said with far more confidence than I really felt, “Why are you making fun of that young man? Do you really think it is funny?”

Startled, the man fumbled with his words, “Ummm…no, we are not making fun of him.”

“Really? Because if you are not, then how do you know who I am talking about?

“We are making fun of our friend,” the woman quickly added, “we have this joke with him, and we always make fun of him. We were not making fun of the guy in the wheelchair.”

“Listen, I don’t know who you were making fun of, all I know is that for anyone watching, you are making fun of the man with cerebral palsy.”

“We would never do that.” The man tried to sound serious, like he really meant what he was saying.

I raised my hand in a gesture for him to stop talking. “Do you have any idea what it took for him to be out there? Do you realize that even right now, as different and awkward as he is, he is giving his all? Do you realize that he has given more than a hundred percent? You should be challenged. We should all be challenged by him. We go around our lives giving the least we can just to get things done. But there he is, giving his all, knowing that some people will still ridicule him and make fun of him. But it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter because he is determined, because he won’t let anyone’s perceptions get in the way of a dream. We should all look at him and be moved, be inspired.”

There was an awkward silence, the adrenaline rushing through me had my hands and legs shaking.

“Yeah,” the man broke the silence. “These people can do lots of normal things now, it’s pretty incredible.”

I smiled at him. “These people? They are not these people, they are people, just people. And yes, they are incredible, showing the rest of us normal people about what really matters. You see, I have two little girls with special needs. One of them, in fact, has cerebral palsy, just like that man. I hope someday she chases hard after her dreams. So I look at that man and I am inspired, and I am full of hope. Hope that someday my kids will be included, accepted, and not be considered one of these people, but part of the team.”

After a pause, I added, “Have a nice day.” I turned around and walked back to find my family, blinking the tears that threatened to run freely.

I had to speak up. Not only for that man, but for my girls too.

When Do You Speak Up?

When do you advocate for your child? Leave a comment about what compels you to speak up.

photo credit: www.freedigitalphotos.net

Do you like what you see at DifferentDream.com? You can receive more great content by subscribing to the quarterly Different Dream newsletter and signing up for the daily RSS feed delivered to your email inbox. You can sign up for the first in the pop-up box and the second at the bottom of this page.

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Ellen Stumbo is a writer and speaker and the mother of three girls, two with disabilities. To read more of Ellen’s writing, visit her blog at www.EllenStumbo.com. She can also be found on Twitter and Facebook.