11 Ways to Reduce Special Needs Parenting Stress

11 Ways to Reduce Special Needs Parenting Stress

by | May 12, 2016 | Different Dream, Self-Care and Stress, Special Needs Parenting

11 Ways to Reduce Special Needs Parenting Stress

In mid-April, I was invited to speak to some parents of kids with special needs at McLean Bible Church after attending their wonderful Accessibility Summit (now Access Ministry). The topic of the talk was how to reduce special needs parenting stress. Since special needs parents live with extra stress, I thought you might appreciate these tips, too.

11 Ways to Reduce Special Needs Parenting Stress

  1. Admit that the stress is real. Do not try to be tough and deny the stress. Conversely, don’t wallow in the stress and take on the role of the martyr. Instead, admit you are living with stress and resolve to do something about it.
  2. Acknowledge that one source of your stress is grief. A parent of children with special needs lives with the loss of the children. This doesn’t lessen their love for the child. It’s just the way it is. Special needs parenting grief is real and ongoing. It is stirred every time your child misses an age-appropriate milestone or rite of passage. Therefore, give yourself permission and time to grieve.
  3. Deal with the guilt that stalks parents of kids with special needs. Many parents blame themselves for their child’s condition. Or they think they’re bad parents. Rather than wallow in guilt, determine whether your guilt is founded in truth or lies by following these 5 steps.
    • Ask God to reveal the truth about your sense of guilt.
    • See what His Word says about the matter.
    • Look for evidence of disobedience in your actions.
    • Look for evidence of a misconception in your understanding of Scripture.
    • Seek the counsel of someone you trust and talk about your feelings.
  4. Ask for practical help. Have a list ready when people ask what they can do. Items on the list could include the following: bring a meal, pick up the kids, housecleaning, grocery shopping, pet care, lawn care, laundry, or picking up the mail.
  5. Let go of the exclusive caregiving role. While it may be true that no one can care for your child as well as you can, with education and training other people can care for your child. After all, the day may come when you won’t be able to care for your child. How reassuring to know someone is ready for duty in your place. Besides, your child needs a wide circle of supportive friends, not just you.
  6. Develop a support network. Build a circle of prayer partners and send them monthly updates. Find groups online where you can get and offer advice, talk to people who know exactly what you’re talking about. Make sure the groups you join are positive and not negative in tone.
  7. Build margins into your day. For special needs parents, this means factoring a certain amount of time for chaos. So schedule quiet time and make it happen.
  8. Take care of your body. Get creative about this one and make a commitment to get enough sleep, eat well, exercise, and get outside in the fresh air when you can.
  9. Take advantage of respite. When is the right time to schedule respite? As soon as you begin to think you need a break. If you wait too long to find relief, you will be beyond the point of burnout which means it will take you even longer to return to your baseline level of functioning. Until you get to that point, everyone around you may suffer.
  10. Find ways to relax your body and rejuvenate your spirit. We tend to place a massage at the top of this list, but there are several simple, inexpensive things you can implement. Get rid of caffeine. Practice intentional relaxation by listening to music while sipping a cup of tea, listening to an audiobook, watching  a funny movie, or reading a book. Create a quiet, peaceful corner in your house where you can go to be alone. Putting a lock on the bathroom door and taking a bath counts. Use God’s word and prayer to rejuvenate your spirit. These prayers for the anxious based on the Psalms may help you. Different Dream Parenting also has several prayer calendars based on Scripture.
  11. Seek professional help. If you’ve tried to implement the ideas above and are still struggling, you should seek professional help. If your child is receiving mental health treatment, ask the therapist to include you in some of the sessions or to set up a separate appointment for you. If that won’t work, ask your child’s therapist, trusted friends, or your pastor for recommendations.

If you still aren’t convinced, perhaps these 4 reasons kids need mentally healthy parents can help you understand why it’s important to reduce special needs parenting stress.

Your Tips about How To Reduce Special Needs Parenting Stress?

What helps you reduce special needs parenting stress? Share your ideas in the comment box below. Thanks!

Do you like what you see at DifferentDream.com? You can receive more great content by subscribing to the quarterly Different Dream newsletter and signing up for the daily RSS feed delivered to your email inbox. You can sign up for the first in the pop up box and the second at the bottom of this page.

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Jolene Philo is the author of the Different Dream series for parents of kids with special needs. She speaks at parenting and special needs conferences around the country. She’s also the creator and host of the Different Dream website. Sharing Love Abundantly With Special Needs Families: The 5 Love Languages® for Parents Raising Children with Disabilities, which she co-authored with Dr. Gary Chapman, was released in August of 2019 and is available at local bookstores, their bookstore website, and at Amazon.

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Summer Planning Tips for Parents of Kids with Special Needs

Summer Planning Tips for Parents of Kids with Special Needs

by | May 11, 2016 | Different Dream, How-Tos, Special Needs Parenting

Summer Planning Tips for Parents of Kids with Special Needs

The days are lengthening, the outdoor temps are warming, and summer is on the horizon. Guest blogger, Sheri Dacon, is here with advice about how to make the summer of 2016 a success for you and your kids. Check out her 5 top summer planning tips.

Summer Planning Tips for Parents of Kids with Special Needs

Ah, summer! Time to relax, soak up some sun, and take life easier. But if you’re the parent of school age kids, summer can be stressful.

Throw a special needs child into the mix, and it can become pure pandemonium.

What’s a special needs parent to do? How do we give our kids more freedom during summer yet still keep our homes from descending into chaos?

Special needs parents, you’ve got to have a plan. There will be issues, surprises, and detours — so it’s best to prepare and tackle summer head on.

How to Plan for Summer with Kids Who Have Special Needs

1. Schedule activities now. Look for day camps, recreational activities, and classes available in your area.

For years we enrolled our autistic son in summer social skills camps. These can be costly, but are worth it if your budget allows. Local parks departments also offer interesting classes and camps at lower prices, some of which may even be geared toward special needs kids. Look into these ahead of time to find out what accommodations might be needed.

Your local library is also an excellent source for recreation. Our library hosts free story times, book clubs, and themed craft days.

Summer is a great time to try no-pressure sports and aquatics as well. Search for classes through your local parks department, nearby gymnastics centers, or the YMCA. Sometimes you can even find classes targeted for special needs kids.

And try setting up a regular weekly routine. In the past we’ve had Mopey Monday (stay home day), Travel Tuesday, Water Wednesday, Learning Thursday, and Fun Friday. The kids knew what to expect each day, and I had something up my sleeve (even if it was just setting up the backyard sprinkler) to keep them entertained.

Whatever you decide, get your activities on the calendar and post it so the kids will know the plan.

2. Establish summer rules.

It’s okay if summer rules are a bit more lax than usual. Just as long as you have rules and the kids are expected to follow them.

Kids shouldn’t have free reign to do as they wish all day just because school’s out. Your home is not a frat house.

Make sure kids know the rules and recognize the consequences for breaking them.

Your special needs child might be the most vocal complainer about summer rules, but he’ll be the one who reaps the most benefit.

3. Limit electronics!

Special needs kids will play their video games all day if we let them.

So don’t let them!

Establish guidelines about when and how much electronics are allowed, and stick to your guns. Too much game time leads to agitation and overstimulation.

If video games are a constant struggle, try investing in Disney Circle (affiliate link). We’ve had great success with it. It helps restrict and control all the devices in your home with one handy app.

4. Get up early.

I know, it’s summer. Go ahead and alter your schedule to allow for a little extra sleep if you want.

But keep the schedule consistent.

Get up before your kids do. (If you have teenagers this will be easy. If you have toddlers it won’t be.)

Sleeping in is tempting, but if it becomes habit, you’ll spend your waking hours feeling anxious about trying to catch up.

With an early wakeup time, you’ll be able to prepare your mind and body for the day ahead. A quiet start to your morning will help you handle the day’s challenges more peacefully.

5. Limit sensory overload

Summer can be stressful for kids with sensory issues.

When I was a girl, there was no such thing as “sensory processing disorder.” But I still had it. The sun plagued me in summer. My eyes are incredibly sensitive to sunlight and I can’t be outside without wearing sunglasses.

But I didn’t know this as a child.

I only knew the sun gave me headaches. When I enrolled in tennis classes one summer, I kept having to quit mid-lesson because my head was throbbing. My parents thought I was wimpy. But all I really needed was a pair of sunglasses.

Keep your eyes open for ways to ease the sensory challenges of summer. For example:

  • Have leakproof goggles and swim masks on hand for the child who can’t stand water in his eyes.
  • Enforce a daily quiet time when no one is allowed to engage in noisy activities (we use this time for reading).
  • Keep clothing easy and comfortable. My kids with sensory issues live in knit shorts, light-colored T-shirts and flip-flops all summer. This reduces the complaining about itchy tags, tight waistbands and sock seams to a more manageable level.

Preparation is key to a successful summer with special needs kids.

Use these tips to make these months easier for the whole family. Summer with special needs kids can be challenging, but with a workable plan in place, you’ll enjoy it more — and so will your kids!

Your Summer Planning Tips?

What do you think of Sheri’s summer planning tips? What would you add to the list?

Do you like what you see at DifferentDream.com? You can receive more great content by subscribing to the quarterly Different Dream newsletter and signing up for the daily RSS feed delivered to your email inbox. You can sign up for the first in the pop up box and the second at the bottom of this page.

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You can learn more about Sheri by visiting her website at sheridacon.com.

Author Jolene Philo

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The Heart of a Special Needs Mother

The Heart of a Special Needs Mother

by | May 4, 2016 | Different Dream, Holidays, Special Needs Parenting

The Heart of a Special Needs Mother

Mother’s Day will be here in a few days. In honor of the day, Different Dream guest blogger Stephanie Ballard, mother of a child with significant special needs, is with us. She’s written a poem sharing the heart of a special needs mother. Grab a tissue before you start reading.

The Heart of a Special Needs Mother

I have been your mother
Long before you came,
When I first heard your heartbeat
And thought about your name.
When I looked at a monitor
And watched you move your hands
I thought, “Hey, I’m your mommy,”
And I started making plans.

I didn’t plan for anything
Except–the life you’d live,
The cute outfits we’d dress you in,
And all the love we’d give.
But life, it holds no promises.
This wisdom I impart:
Life’s most important lessons
Are those learned from the heart.

Now every day when I wake up,
I say a little prayer.
“Lord, watch over my child today
And let him know your there.
Give me the chance to show him
What it means to be part
Of this world we live in.”
This is a mother’s heart.

I watch my child growing up.
Each day brings something new.
Most people can’t imagine
All the things he has been through.
Each scar that he still carries
Can’t easily be missed.
I can no longer doubt it:
Miracles exist.
I have loved this child, Lord,
Right from the very start,
And I will remain hopeful.
This is a mother’s heart.

Sometimes it is not easy,
And faith becomes our guide.
For we live in the present
Hoping time is on our side.
They tell me that my child is
A “medical pioneer.”
But surely these are not the words
A mother hopes to hear.
Most mothers envision that their children
Will be kind, and successful, and smart.
I picture a thousand tomorrows.
This is a mother’s heart.

I see him playing in the park
And swimming in the pool,
I see him grasping my hands tight
On his first day of school.
I see him chasing fireflies
on a starry summer night
I see his life before me.
He is precious in God’s sight.
As I imagine all these things
My mind can almost chart
The well-laid plans I have for him.
This is a mother’s heart.

And if the time should ever come
That I must let him go.
Please help me to accept the fact
That I can’t watch him grow.
My blessing, my sweet miracle
His life, like precious art–
Each memory a brush stroke
on the canvas of my heart.
I have been his mother
Right from the very start
Nothing can ever break this bond
This is a mother’s heart.

Give a Special Needs Mother You Know a Shout Out!

When you’re done wiping away your tears, give a special needs mother you know a shout out for Mother’s Day in the comment box. And yes, that special needs mother can be you. We’d love to hear your story here at Different Dream.

Do you like what you see at DifferentDream.com? You can receive more great content by subscribing to the quarterly Different Dream newsletter and signing up for the daily RSS feed delivered to your email inbox. You can sign up for the first in the pop up box and the second at the bottom of this page.

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Stephanie Ballard is the mother of two sons, her youngest son, Braeden, was born with Kabuki Syndrome and congenital heart defects. Her oldest son, Colin is in the military. She enjoys writing poetry and life lessons about her journey in life.

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The Truth about Special Needs: The Skies I’m Under

The Truth about Special Needs: The Skies I’m Under

by | Apr 13, 2016 | Books and Resources, Different Dream, Special Needs Parenting

The Truth about Special Needs: The Skies I’m Under

Different Dream welcomes Rachel Wright as this week’s guest blogger. Rachel is the parent of a son with special needs and author of the memoir, The Skies I’m Under. She and her husband are medical professionals, but their training went out the window as their son’s condition was unveiled. In her guest post, Rachel writes about the truth of special needs in her life, and how that truth seemed not to set her free.

The Truth About Special Needs

The glare of the theatre lights warmed my skin, as my body shivered. The cesarean section was about to begin. Everyone was poised, ready to carry out their designated duties yet I felt inadequate and out of my depth. I’d been in this environment before but this was different. This time I wasn’t a face amongst the milieu of professionals but rather a patient, a mother waiting to meet her child. Little did I know this role reversal would become the routine of my life; no longer a confident, qualified nurse but rather a nervous unqualified mother.

Ten weeks later, I sat across from another doctor and wished I was the nurse, not the parent. I had been in this room before. The room where the truth changes a life forever. but this time the news irrevocably changed my family; my son had severe and extensive brain damage.

Then you will know the truth and the truth will set you free.
John 8:32

As my son grew, the complexities of his disabilities were revealed. With each new diagnosis, life-threatening seizure, and ambulance ride, I was thrust down an unwanted road. So much of the medical landscape was familiar. As much as I understood the truth of the equipment and readings, my emotions were unprepared to watch my child hooked up to a ventilator, fighting for his life.

There were times I lay in the hospital bed next to my son wishing I didn’t know the truth, feeling the truth about special needs trapped me, rather than set me free. I was fearful of what a new day might bring. Too often, as a nurse, I knew the ‘truth’ about our situation before most parents and I longed for blissful ignorance.

Recently, I published my memoir, The Skies I’m Under. In the process of writing my story I walked around the darkest rooms of my past, lighting them with the torch of my memory. Telling my story caused me to sit and wait, until my eyes adjusted to the darkness. It was a painful process but eventually I became so accustomed to the shadows that I was able to rise up, throw back the curtains and allow in the light. This didn’t make everything easier. Sometimes the light brought with it a painful clarity.

Having just celebrated Easter, I am reminded that this too was the experience of the disciples. Although the empty tomb brought truth and hope, it didn’t take away all their grief or confusion. Easter Sunday wasn’t the fairy tale ending they had expected, but it did become the amazing beginning of a different rocky and remarkable road.

In writing The Skies I’m Under, I expressed afresh the pain of my own Passion Week Friday and Saturday, and in doing so I found the miracle of Easter Sunday. My Sunday is complicated, confusing and at times hard. It wasn’t the miracle I wanted but turned out to just as transforming.

Your Own Truth About Special Needs

Rachel ends her guest post with a challenge for readers. She asks you this: Have you ever thought about writing your story? Doing so might just change you.

 

Do you like what you see at DifferentDream.com? You can receive more great content by subscribing to the quarterly Different Dream newsletter and signing up for the daily RSS feed delivered to your email inbox. You can sign up for the first in the pop up box and the second at the bottom of this page.

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Rachel is a nurse, author and mum living in Essex, the UK, with her GP husband and three wonderful boys. Her life changed the day her eldest son was born and introduced her to the world of severe disability and life-limiting epilepsy. As well as doing laundry and picking up Lego, she blogs at Born at the Right Time  and recently published her memoir The Skies I’m Under which can be bought as paperback in the UK or as an ebook in the US and around the world.

Author Jolene Philo

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When All I Want Is to Be Done with Special Needs

When All I Want Is to Be Done with Special Needs

by | Mar 28, 2016 | Different Dream, Self-Care and Stress, Special Needs Parenting

When All I Want Is to Be Done with Special Needs

One of the first words out of our oldest grandchild’s mouth was, “DONE!” He used it emphatically at the end of meals…

DONE!

When having his face washed or his nose wiped…

DONE!

Or my personal favorite…approximately two seconds after his parents put him in his crib for a nap and then carefully and oh-so-quietly shut the door to his bedroom…

DONE!

Lately, I’ve found myself silently echoing my grandson’s sentiments. When I’m asked to talk about my childhood spent caring for a father slowly being diminished by the ravages of multiple sclerosis. When someone wants to hear about the many surgeries our son’s endured during his early years. When I’m asked to recount our son’s diagnosis and treatment for PTSD. What I really want to say, instead of responding politely and patiently, is…

DONE!

Some days, all I want is to be done with special needs. I don’t want to talk about them I don’t want to think about them. After all, my dad died in 1997. My son’s surgeries and treatment for PTSD are distant memories. But, the truth is that I will never be done with those memories. They shaped and are still shaping the course of my life. They are part of who I am.

On days when I think I want to be done with special needs, what I really want is a way to create some distance, to carve out time to rejuvenate and gain perspective so I can continue the work God has given me to do. I’ve discovered some ways to make that happen. Maybe these tips can help you on those days when you want to be done with special needs, too.

To read the rest of this post, visit the Not Alone website at specialneedsparenting.net.

Do you like what you see at DifferentDream.com? You can receive more great content by subscribing to the quarterly Different Dream newsletter and signing up for the daily RSS feed delivered to your email inbox. You can sign up for the first in the pop up box and the second at the bottom of this page.

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Jolene Philo is the author of the Different Dream series for parents of kids with special needs. She speaks at parenting and special needs conferences around the country. She’s also the creator and host of the Different Dream website. Sharing Love Abundantly With Special Needs Families: The 5 Love Languages® for Parents Raising Children with Disabilities, which she co-authored with Dr. Gary Chapman, was released in August of 2019 and is available at local bookstores, their bookstore website, and at Amazon.

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The Magic of Music Therapy for Kids with Special Needs

The Magic of Music Therapy for Kids with Special Needs

by | Mar 17, 2016 | Books and Resources, Different Dream, Special Needs Parenting

The Magic of Music Therapy for Kids with Special Needs

Happy St. Patty’s Day to everyone! Today’s post about the power of music, something the residents of the Emerald Isle have known for centuries, comes from Andrea Moriarty. She is the co-founder of the music therapy nonprofit Banding Together and mother of a son with special needs. Below, Moriarty shares an excerpt from her new book, One-Track Mind: 15 Ways to Amplify Your Child’s Special Interest. With the benefit of hindsight, Moriarty outlines the power of music therapy and strategies her family discovered to maximize their son’s strengths to discover purpose.

Taking a Tip from Disney

If you’ve watched as much bonus material on two-disc collector’s edition versions of Disney films as we have, you have heard composer Richard Sherman explain that Walt insisted the music move the plot forward. Sherman explains, “A successful song for a musical is not just pleasant listening. It tells a story, conveys character and personality. It’s the most difficult thing to do. You’re writing the whole book on the head of a pin.” The songs our music therapist helped my son compose were certainly moving the plot line of his life forward.

Music Generalizes Skills

Through a side-door miracle of sorts, after being in private special education settings for most of his life, Reid attended a highly competitive public high school with more than 2,500 students for his last two years in the system. He expressed interest in entering their “Idol” singing contest, modeled after the popular television show. Generalizing his musical skills to a new setting with many new people, he performed his original song, “Shine,” for the first time without his longtime music therapist, his band, or me present. This huge milestone came after significant consternation and anxiety. He wavered all morning in anguished self-talk.

Music Motivates Behavior

His aide texted me status updates. “He says he’s too nervous.”

I texted back, “That’s common; don’t offer any rewards or appear to make him do it. Just let him talk it through by himself. He usually decides to do it in the eleventh hour, as long as it’s his own choice.” Only I wasn’t sure if he would this time, without any of his usual entourage. I had to let it go. “Tell him it’s up to him.”

Then at last, the reply I wanted to read from around the corner where I was parked: “He’s gonna do it. He’s going up.”

At the last minute, from a concrete slab amphitheater in the center of the grassy quad, Reid announced to the gathered student body that he would sing “Shine” a cappella. That was a first! The song itself became the constant amid numerous other variables, including the spotty sound system.

Music Communicates Volumes

In essence, he was introducing himself at this new school, telling his story to a group of typical teens at lunchtime through the lyrics Angela and he had written. They had done what composer Eric Whitacre suggests, “Write the music your inside-you needs your outside-you to hear.”

You can do it if you really try
Don’t give up, reach for the sky
A spark in you has begun to grow
Shout it for the world to know, you’re gonna
Shine……Shine……Shine
Sing with your heart
Play your part
Jump to your feet
Dance in the street
Don’t be afraid
Let others see
The dreams you have
What you could be

Music Facilitates Inclusion

Apparently, the throngs of students stood to applaud, surely never imagining that the conspicuous boy they passed in the halls with his own instructional aide was capable of this. They texted me a photo of him post-performance, adrenaline rushing, arm in arm between his vocal coach and the school band teacher, who was one of the judges. It wasn’t about winning that day, but rather being included, mastering independence, and generalizing his musicianship to a new crowd and venue. Frank Sinatra’s words rang true, “If I can make it there, I’ll make it anywhere…”

Music Therapy is Magic

There are seven reasons music therapy is the magic in our story. Music therapy:

  1. Addresses practically any IEP goal.
  2. Is innately pleasurable; music is its own reward.
  3. Employs a relative strength.
  4. Utilizes the whole brain.
  5. Adapts through one’s lifespan.
  6. Generalizes easily outside the clinic.
  7. Allows for structure and creativity simultaneously.

Your Experience with Music Therapy?

Has your child benefited from music therapy? Andrea would love to hear your story if you’d like to share it in the comment box.

Do you like what you see at DifferentDream.com? You can receive more great content by subscribing to the quarterly Different Dream newsletter and signing up for the daily RSS feed delivered to your email inbox. You can sign up for the first in the pop up box and the second at the bottom of this page.

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Andrea Moriarty recently published One-Track Mind: 15 Ways to Amplify Your Child’s Special Interest. She blogs at Autism Unplugged about both the challenges and triumphs of parenting a differently-abled child while offering affectionate humor and unending hope. Moriarty and her husband Jim are the proud adoptive parents of twins, Allie and Reid. Allie currently studies music education and music therapy at Berklee College of Music in Boston. Reid makes music, performs regularly, and hosts his own podcast: Talk Time with Reid Moriarty. Moriarty lives in Solana Beach, California, where she accumulates books, cooks from scratch, and whistles while she works. You can learn more about Andrea at her website, www.andreamoriarty.com.

Author Jolene Philo

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