Caring for the Caretaker Is Essential

by jphilo | Jun 13, 2019 | Books and Resources, Different Dream, Special Needs Parenting

Caring for the Caretaker Is Essential

Caring for the Caretaker isn’t self-indulgent, as guest blogger Laurie McLean knows. It is absolutely essential. That’s why Laurie is here to tell you about an amazing caring for the caretaker resource she’s compiled.

Parents of children with invisible disabilities often feel conflicted and complicated emotions.

On the one hand, their child may be considered “high functioning” so they feel they have no right to be overwhelmed or frustrated.

However, parenting a child with an invisible disability is stressful due to the very nature of the disability being invisible.

While we hope that our child will be accepted and their strengths acknowledged, we often have to deal with the reality that their struggles are often misunderstood.

Our lives are spent simultaneously supporting our children so they can succeed in a predominantly neurotypical world and shouting from the rooftops that they have a disability that causes them to need intervention when they are not succeeding.

Parenting a child with autism, ADHD, anxiety, and other disorders that affect behavior can be challenging.

We parents often feel guilt and shame when our children exhibit behavioral difficulties that are manifestations of their disabilities because, to the general public, it may look like they are simply misbehaving.

Caretakers of children with invisible disabilities spend an inordinate amount of time researching, battling for services, advocating, explaining, educating… it can all be very exhausting.

Parents of children with invisible disabilities need to focus on progress, not perfection.

People, in general, will celebrate each milestone of a child who very clearly has a visible disability.

For instance, we will all rally behind a child with cerebral palsy who takes their first step.

This is something concrete that we can see and understand. These children work hard in physical therapy to achieve these goals.

It is not as easy to see the growth in a child with autism who may struggle to understand non-verbal social cues.

Likewise, when a child with ADHD who struggles with impulse control is able to regulate their sensory needs and focus during a lesson it is not always recognized.

These are expected behaviors and many feel they there is no need to celebrate when a child is able to comply with the general rules.

The outside world may never understand what it took to get your child to that place.

This reality can be frustrating for us as special needs parents. Our children work very hard to do what may come naturally to other children.

When we start to feel like life is unfair and that we are simply tired of the fight, we need a change in perspective.

Typically, when I get to this point, I know that I have neglected my own self-care.

It is easy to get lost in the role of caretaker. We immerse ourselves in the battle of helping our children.

While a noble cause, we must remember to take care of ourselves in order to be the parent our children really need.

After all, how effective will we be if we experience a breakdown due to lack of self-care?

The high level of burnout amongst special needs parents is alarming.

Self-care for caretakers can be tricky as we are often inundated with our responsibilities and lack the time, energy and resources.

Caring for the Caretaker is a virtual bundle of self-care resources that will help you practice self-care on your own time when it works for you.

You can grab the Caring for the Caretaker resource for a 40% discount, only for Different Dream readers.

You can learn to not just survive as a special needs parent, but to thrive and be the parent you want to be for your child.

Parenting children with invisible disabilities may pose a unique challenge. But ensuring that we are taking care of our needs with the Caring for the Caretaker resource will enable you to parent your child with confidence.

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Laurie McLean is a blogger, special needs parent, coffee fiend, dog lover, special education advocate and recovering perfectionist interested in balance, humor and self-care. She helps women learn to give themselves grace while they simplify their lives and make the most of their motherhood journey, no matter what unexpected things may come their way. You can visit her blog, Life with a Side of the Unexpected or check out her page on Facebook.

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Making Marriage a Priority While Raising Kids with Special Needs

Making marriage a priority is crucial for parents raising kids with disabilities and special needs. But how in the world do stressed parents make time for one more thing? Guest blogger Heather Johnson shares ideas that worked for her and her spouse while they raised their three kids.

Three Tips for Making Marriage a Priority

Maybe your marriage is one where you feel only slight stress on occasion while loving and raising your children with special needs. If so, I’m thrilled for you! But that’s not me.

My husband and I, nearing our 26th anniversary, are also nearing our 22nd anniversary of adopting three kids from Russia, all with multiple special needs stemming from fetal alcohol exposure—intellectual, emotional, behavioral, and physical—all invisible. Todd and I have lived in a state of nearly constant stress. If it isn’t one thing, it’s another. With all three. And the hardest for us has been the fact that hardly anyone understands what we’ve lived through because we all look, well, so normal.

Determined not only to make our marriage work and thrive after suffering through my parents’ divorce and my own, Todd and I have been intentional about a few things I’d like to share with you, hoping these tips might help. Besides our #1 priority—prayer—here are three more things that have kept us glued.

#1: Make enjoyable alone time a priority.

Write separate lists of what’s life-giving to each of you and then share. Find commonalities or at least interest in pursuing something you hadn’t thought about.

For example, we love to hike anywhere, anytime. We schedule times. When our kids were young, we’d get someone to watch them for an hour or two. You can ask friends, family, church family or hire if you can afford. Exercise and fresh air are great stress relievers.

Use the time you schedule for only the two of you to give thanks for all the positives in your lives. There’s always something.

Important: Rejuvenating time together requires no talking about kid problems/worries. That’s for what comes next.

#2: Carve out time to share honest feelings.

There’s a time to talk about the kids and a time not to talk about the kids. This is the time to share honest feelings, without judging or trying to fix. Allow expression of sadness, fear. Hold your spouse’s hand or offer a hug/arm around the shoulder if needed. Show your love by listening. Just listening. And take turns. Try not to cut off your spouse’s feeling expressions by jumping into your own. It’s critically important for you both to feel heard and understood. Finally, ask your spouse how you could have listened and empathized better. Whatever you do, do not become defensive here. This is the time to learn how to love one another better by listening with your heart as well as your ears.

Todd and I carve out time daily to do this. It’s not always easy but it has been a life saver. Maybe you don’t need this special time as often as we do, but I promise you’ll benefit by being intentional and consistent with whatever time you do set aside.

#3: Determine individual strengths and lean on each other.

I have a doctorate in clinical psychology and used to work as a therapist. Dealing empathically and practically with strong feelings is my specialty. I’m also a former elementary teacher. Both skill sets have been helpful during periods where we needed to educate at home, for securing proper testing/diagnoses, for home-education when needed, and for advocating with educational, medical, and rehab specialists.

Todd, on the other hand, has an MBA and a CPA. He’s practically a genius with money matters. I’ve leaned on him to help with all the financial issues regarding our kids’ short and long term needs.

Todd is also a strong thinker where I tend to be a strong feeler. In high stress situations, he’s great at calming rough waves so we can all think clearly.

Write your own list of strengths—yours and your spouse’s. Then, share with each other and learn to generally delegate so you’re not constantly operating in an area of weakness when your spouse has natural ability.

These are only 3 of many tips about what has worked and still works for us. You need to decide what works for you. What do you and your spouse do alone for enjoyment? How do you and your spouse deal with real feelings? What are your and your spouse’s different strengths? Please share in the comments to help us all.

Strong marriages make for happier kids, no matter what else we’re dealing with. I pray yours and mine will keep getting better with time!

P.S. My husband is VERY camera shy so that’s why I’m not including his photo but just our kids. To see us all together, with dogs, on our farm, visit my About page on my website, www.truelifewithgod.com

Do you like what you see at DifferentDream.com? You can receive more great content by subscribing to Different Dream newsletter and signing up for the daily RSS feed delivered to your email inbox. You can sign up for the first in the pop up box and the second at the bottom of this page.

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Heather MacLaren Johnson lives near Wisconsin’s Lake Michigan shore with her husband of 25 years, 3 horses, 2 dogs, 2 barn cats, and a fish. She earned her B.S. in Education and her doctorate in Clinical Psychology before adopting 3 amazing kids from Russia, all now in their 20’s, all with life-long challenges stemming from prenatal exposure to alcohol (FASD). She is completing a memoir about her mother/daughter journey through hidden disabilities and mental illness. Heather’s essay about learning to ride horses at age 44 is included in Leslie Leyland Field’s The Wonder Years: 40 Women Over 40 on Aging, Faith, Beauty, and Strength (Kregel Publications). She has published devotional pieces for The Seed Company (Wycliffe Bible Translators Affiliate). You can learn more about Heather at her website, www.truelifewithgod.com.