Behaviors in Kids with Disabilities

by jphilo | Aug 22, 2019 | Different Dream, How-Tos, Special Needs Parenting

Behaviors in Kids with Disabilities

Behaviors in kids with disabilities are something we like to sweep under the rug and ignore. But Trish Shaeffer, mom to 3 sons with disabilities, is transparent about her boys’ behavior issues. In this guest post, she deals with the topic head on.

Behaviors in kids with disabilities–let’s talk about them.

Anyone who says their child with a disability is a perfect angel is lying. In my experience around the age of 9, you’ll see behaviors in your child similar to the terrible 2’s or 3’s. I think this is because children starting to notice their disability. They get frustrated with their own body and possibility compare themselves to their peers or siblings. This is true even if they have an intellectual disability.

My son Alex may have the mindset of a 4 or 5-year-old, but he understands that he is different. He has a temper and holds his wheelchair wheels so you cannot push him or he refuses to push himself. He has epic meltdowns. He will throw toys or bite or hit. People see his big smile and say he’s such a sweet boy and well-behaved. They need to spend some time with him at home. As we know, children tend to display behaviors in a safe place such as home.

Despite his meltdowns, I give Alex space and time to cool down while giving him options to communicate his frustrations. Communication of feelings is hard for Alex. He can talk, but he cannot express what’s really going on. Is he mad, sad, in pain? Sometimes we don’t know. We have a visual chart for pain and feelings for him to use when he cannot express what’s bothering him. He is also learning to use the same chart in school. Many can be downloaded and printed out online.

Right now we do wheelchair time outs. We put him in a safe place during meltdowns and leave him to cool down. Those time outs are timed. It took trial and error to find the amount of time that works for calming him down. For Alex it’s a half hour, but it could be different for your child.

We also take away his iPad time for the day, which helps. If your child uses the iPad as a communication device, this may not work. You’ll have to look for another motivator such as removing a favorite toy, snack, or TV show.

We make a big deal when Alex expresses his feelings verbally and without a meltdown. This instill the concept that it’s okay to have feelings and to express them in a healthy way. We also talk about his feelings when he’s calmed down after a meltdown. This doesn’t always work, but it’s still good to let him know he’s not alone. It shows him that adults, even Mommy, can have a bad day.

Remember, no child is perfect, disability or not. You and your child do not have to meet society’s expectations of what is normal or perfect. Some days will be harder than others. Some days our kids will push us and give us grey hair. When that happens, it’s okay to walk away and regroup. You may feel like you’re heart is breaking watching your child cry or scream. Pick up the pieces of your heart and keep going. On days when you are at your wits end, leave a comment here. We all have your back. We will cheer you on!

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Trish Shaeffer is the mom of 3 active boys with special needs. She’s a peer supporter for Parent to Parent and volunteers with the United Cerebral Palsy Network, Special Olympics, and the United Way. She’s also an equine volunteer at Leg Up Farm. She’s married to her best friend and biggest supporter, Chris Shaeffer.

Author Jolene Philo

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Just Talk

Just talk. That’s guest blogger Kimberly Drew’s advice for parents worrying about their children’s future. Today Kimberly talks about what happens when she and her husband make time to just talk.

The summer sun is staying up longer in the day and I find myself waiting for it to get dark to put the kids to bed. There is something about those couple of hours when they are all tucked in and my husband Ryan and I have a few minutes of peace and quiet. The last few years have been a strain as we have accepted the call and challenge of adopting a child with special needs. This brings our family total to two children with disabilities and two without.

Most days we feel outnumbered, but some days we feel inadequate at best.

It’s in those quiet moments when the kids are in bed that we can talk about how we are handling life. Sometimes one of us needs a pep talk. Usually me. Sometimes we just need the reassurance that it’s going to be okay.

It has taken Ryan and me a long time to be able to voice our darkest thoughts and fears about raising our two daughters with disabilities. We’ve been to seminars and counseling sessions, talked with pastors and friends. But the real hashing out of thoughts and feelings happens when all the distractions are peeled away, and the two of us just talk.

On our most recent, long overdue getaway, we spent some time talking about the need to start long term planning for our girls. We don’t want the burden of care to fall on our two sons. It’s not an easy topic.

Will there be enough money to retire?
If we choose assisted living, will someone hurt our non-verbal girls?
Should we move somewhere warmer for their health?
When our parents are gone…will we ever be able to go away together again without the kids?
What do those years in the future look like?

Eventually, the conversation rolls back to the idea to enjoy the now. So. In the now–

We savor the moments when the kids are in bed.
We try to make a habit of sitting down together every night.
We talk about our worries enough to let them pass and turn on a favorite TV show to relax.

It’s a rare thing to find answers to the complex issues that surround raising children with special needs. But if we don’t make it a habit to just talk things out, communication gets more difficult as the years go by. Sometimes just a little talk is all I need to have the peace of mind and soul to press on through another day.

If you haven’t had a good talk with your spouse lately, I encourage you to make a list of things to talk about. After a while, you won’t need a list. Don’t always talk about your children.

Just talk about the things that matter to you both.
Just talk about things that don’t matter at all and everything in between.
Just talk.

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Kimberly graduated from Taylor University with a degree in Elementary Education in 2002. Kimberly and her husband Ryan have 4 amazing kids on earth (Abigail, Jayden, Cooper, and Ellie), and a baby boy waiting for them in heaven. Their daughters have multiple disabilities. They are the inspiration behind Kimberly’s desire to write. In addition to being a mom, Kimberly serves alongside her husband in full time youth ministry. She enjoys working with the senior high girls, scrapbooking, reading, and music. You can visit Kimberly at her website, www.promisesandperspective.blogspot.com.