When a Teen Is in Crisis: 4 Godly Ways to Respond, Part 1

by jphilo | Nov 13, 2019 | Different Dream, How-Tos, Special Needs Parenting

When a Teen Is in Crisis: 4 Godly Ways to Respond, Part 1

When a teen is in crisis, parents want to be prepared to respond in wise and godly ways. In this two part series, guest blogger Catherine Boyle offers four strategies she learned the hard way. Because of the rapid changes experienced through the teen years, what she has to say is of value to parents raising children with special needs, disabilities, mental health issues, and their typical siblings. In today’s post Catherine shares the first two tips. In Part 2, she’ll share two more.

The phone rang late at night. That’s never a good thing, especially when one of your teens is away from home.

The words from that night are seared in my memory.

marijuana
alcohol
police
arrested

So are some of the words from the following week.

expelled
school board
conduct officer
suspension

That phone call came a week before an event organized and hosted by the ministry I had launched a year earlier, the first time I met Key Ministry’s Dr. Grcevich in person. Let’s just say there was some significant spiritual warfare around that particular mental health ministry conference.

For me, the rest of that year and most of the next were spent in the most important ministry of all–family ministry. After all, man plans his steps, but God directs our path. I promise you there were things that I did not do right during that time. But there definitely were some things that my husband and I did well, principles that may help you and help your child when––not if––you find yourself in a crisis.

#1: Respond to your child with more grace than truth.

When you’re in a situation where you know you’ve made a bad mistake, the last thing you want is someone rubbing your face in it. Your kids are no different.

Romans 2:4 says ‘the kindness of God leads to repentance.” Therefore, the day after the late night phone call was actually pretty quiet. We did a lot of hugging without speaking. When we did have to talk about something difficult, we kept it to the point, speaking gently but firmly, conveying love above all else. Like it or not, parents represent God to their children, even teens, and a thoughtful response to teenaged mistakes is important for ongoing openness to matters of faith.

#2: Think about the possibilities, and let your teen make as many decisions as possible.

Kids have limited life experience, so a decision that upends a teen’s world can feel like the end to them. As a parent, especially in a culture where suicide is widely viewed as a way out of pain, you must do what you can in a time of crisis to show your child love and a direction beyond the pain of the moment. Beyond the immediate crisis, as a parent you must anticipate depression, isolation, and possibly anger at God as a result of unwanted changes. If adults experience these things when we face broken relationships, job losses, unexpected deaths, or even long seasons of seemingly unanswered prayer, then teens are going to respond in the same way. The only difference is that due to limited life experience, teens will feel the pain more intensely.

I’m good at research, so I began exploring all options with school, but also with counselors and other mental health professionals. There were some decisions my husband and I made that were non-negotiable––counseling and certain boundaries at home––but others were too personal and important to my teen for my husband and I to decide on our own. Adults routinely have to make difficult decisions, and part of growing up is learning how to sort through imperfect options. Encouraging a teen to make difficult decisions, even during a crisis, prepares them for a future and gives them a sense of agency.

Part 2

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Catherine Boyle is Mental Health Ministry Director, Blog Editor and Social Media Manager for Key Ministry. Catherine has been impacted by mental health issues her entire life, including her own struggles with anorexia, bulimia, anxiety and depression. Prior to joining Key Ministry in 2018, Catherine authored Hungry Souls: What the Bible Says About Eating Disorder, and helped launch a ministry home for women with eating disorders. In 2015, Catherine founded Outside In Ministries, focusing on how the church can minister to and with people with mental health issues. Follow Catherine’s work here and at www.catherineboyle.com, Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Pinterest and Patreon.

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For Better, For Worse in Special Needs Parenting

For better, for worse. Today’s guest bloggers, Joe and Cindi Ferrini, have been learning what those words mean for their family for more than 4 decades. In their new book, Love All-Ways: Embracing Marriage Together on the Special Needs Journey, they share what they’ve learned. Today’s guest post us an excerpt from their new book.

For Better, for Worse

Within a ten year period we lost 5 close family members (one to suicide), was in the process of helping one daughter plan a wedding, getting our other daughter ready for high school graduation, all while I was losing clumps of hair leaving me with huge bald spots, and us trying to continue to meet the needs of our son with multiple special needs. Some of you are saying, “Wow, that’s nothing, here’s my story!” Others are saying, “I sure hope that doesn’t happen to me!” Either way, we all will have hard times amongst the good and there will be challenges. Times got better and life got a little easier, but we aren’t going to lie: it was tough.

Things we learned and hope to help you in your challenges:

Don’t be afraid of bad news. Psalm 112:7-8, “They will have no fear of bad news; their hearts are steadfast, trusting in the Lord.Their hearts are secure, they will have no fear; in the end they will look in triumph on their foes.”
Trust in God no matter what the news. Genesis 22:1, “They will have no fear of bad news; their hearts are steadfast, trusting in the Lord. Their hearts are secure, they will have no fear; in the end they will look in triumph on their foes.”
Trust Him to provide: Philippians 4:19, “And my God will meet all your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus.” Matthew 6:33, “But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.”
The root of many problems and challenges is that they are unexpected and if not managed and dealt with will mature into bitterness and often anger.
Unrealistic expectations and inevitable difficulties are normal. It’s what we do with them that will make the difference in our marriage.

It’s amazing to see that what we were given in life is the very template of who we will become. Caring for Joey has helped our whole family realize different things in life but as a couple it showed we’d be there for each other “for better, for worse” when that time comes. It was also good that it came early in our marriage giving us the opportunity to recognize selfishness in ourselves giving us the ability to ask God for help to see the bigger picture beyond just “me or us” and to share and serve. Good that comes from right choices was such a great story line in the movie Wonder (2017). It’s a lifetime of right choices, timing, and responding that finally tells the story of life and gives us the ending. In some ways we think we get to write, in part, how that ending turns out. What we find is that positive character traits will get us farther than negative ones and negative emotions. Don’t be entitled; be grateful. Recognize that both valleys and vistas have their own beauty. Life is not social media. Social media isn’t all that real in many ways; but fun, yes.

Embrace joy. Give life gusto. Keep trying, doing, enjoying different adventurous things. (Try new hobbies even if you’re lousy at them. We took dance lessons and had fun. We took golf lessons and are still lousy, but we had fun!)
Practice God’s presence and ask for the Holy Spirit to fill you.
Make friends.
Ask for help when you needed and before you need it!
Financial planning for you and your child will help eliminate some stress.

Be:

Winsome (fun)
Wise (Not a windbag!)
Wide awake (pay attention to each other)
Wishful (hopeful for the future)
Stop moving the bar you set for yourself and for your spouse. Are you moving it so neither of you will ever attain it? Stop expecting too much. But expect what is right.
Get counseling if you need to work through some things and need the help. Make sure they’ll keep it confidential and private.
Find a mentor couple that’s made it through the present stage you’re at.
The hardest challenges have changed us the most for the better.
Accept, affirm, and appreciate each other “as is” and always act with good intentions and affection.

When worse overshadows better, there is no shame in finding a mentor couple or seeking counseling. Let us help you work through your needs and give you some direction in Love All-Ways: Embracing Marriage Together on the Special Needs Journey. There is no harm in getting help. We all need it from time to time!

Do you like what you see at DifferentDream.com? You can receive more great content by subscribing to the monthly Different Dream newsletter and signing up for the daily RSS feed delivered to your email inbox. You can sign up for the first in the pop up box and the second at the bottom of this page.

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Dr. Joe and Cindi Ferrini share their newest book, Love All-Ways: Embracing Marriage Together on the Special Needs Journey. They are authors, speakers, and bloggers on marriage, family and special needs. They speak nationally for FamilyLife Weekend To Remember Marriage Get-a-Ways, authored Unexpected Journey – When Special Needs Change our Course, and have been interviewed on Focus on the Family, FamilyLife, and various other radio and television venues. Connect with them at their website and on Facebook at Cindi Ferrini, My Marriage Matters, and Unexpected Journey.