Disability Etiquette: What to Say and What Not to Say

by jphilo | Dec 7, 2016 | Different Dream, How-Tos, Special Needs Parenting

Disability Etiquette: What to Say and What Not to Say

Compassionate disability etiquette is a gift parents of kids with special needs love to receive. Today Different Dream guest blogger Trish Shaeffer is here to share what she’s learned about disability etiquette as mom to 1 typical child as well as twins with special needs. Read on to learn how to give the gift of disability etiquette during the Christmas season.

Disability Etiquette: What to Say and What Not to Say

Comments made by other adults often catch parents of children with disabilities off guard. Inappropriate words bring up many emotions, and parents find it really hard to have a reply to them. Language is a powerful tool that can cause great harm if used unwisely. Generally, people aren’t unfeeling. Rather they are unthinking. They need to be challenged to approach children’s disabilities in a more positive and sensitive way. Below are several negative comments followed by positive ones that are examples of disability etiquette.

Disability Etiquette: What Not to Say

I’m sorry to hear that. Having a child with a disability should not be viewed as a disappointment or loss that requires an apology.
What’s wrong your child? There is nothing wrong.
Poor little thing. Parents want their child empowered, not pitied.
Have you tried__________________? The chances of you knowing more about the disability than a parent are slim. They probably have exhausted every treatment out there.
But your child doesn’t look sick. Many children with special needs are not sick. They have lifelong developmental disorders like autism, which are not an illness.
Your child makes me realize how lucky I am. Those words suggests that the child and parent are unlucky.
I don’t know how you cope. Nor do we. But our children are our priority. If society was more aware of how difficult parenting a child with disabilities can be, there might be more accessible help available.
At least your other children are okay? What makes a child okay? The fact that they can talk? Or have full range of movement? Many disabled children are far better at communicating and being mobile then most neuro-typical children.
Is it a degenerative condition? Some children who have disabilities have a shorter life span. But the constant reminder is at best unhelpful, and the worst unkind.
So your child gets out and about then? People with disabilities like and enjoy many of the same things all people do.
Is it genetic? Only family members have the right to ask this question.
Your child grow out of it, right? Most do not outgrow disabilities such as cerebral palsy.
Did you cause your child to be in a wheelchair? What would possess someone to ask this?
Wow, you must be busy! This comment comes across as condescending to parents doing what they must to survive.
Did you do drugs or smoke during pregnancy? This question simply shouldn’t be asked.
You’re overreacting! or If you would only spank your child! These statements suggest the parent is ignorant, stupid, lazy or incompetent.
You should be glad it’s not worse! or You shouldn’t feel like that. These statements mean “I don’t want to be bothered with your problems.”
Is your child retarded? Never use the R word! It’s rude and incorrect language to use to describe a child with learning disabilities or a developmental delay.

Disability Etiquette: What to Say

Wow, I didn’t realize that. Your child looks amazing. You must be so proud.
You must have worked really hard because your child is amazing.
What caused your child’s challenges?
How is your child doing? What’s being worked on in therapy this week?
What are your child’s hobbies?
I like your child’s braces.
You’re such a great caregiver.
How are you holding up?
I like that wheelchair.
How can I help?
What kinds of therapy does your child enjoy?
Did your child have fun at school?
Your child has a beautiful smile.
My little boy likes trucks, too.
That’s tough.
Do you need help getting the wheelchair into your car? Do you need help carrying your groceries out?
Wow! I cant believe how far your child has come.
Your child is so good at ____________________.
Your child really loves you.
Your child has taught me so much.
I brought wine! I had to add that. Couldn’t help myself.
I think your kid is great!
Your child is lucky to have you as a parent.
I don’t know much about your child’s condition. Can you suggest some reading for me to educate myself?
You are so patient.

Do you see a trend? Negative responses can be turned into positive and helpful ones. Remember, parents may react differently, so pick a good time to bring something positive. Look past the disability and and treat the child like a child. Too often parents of kids with special needs experience negativity. They need a positive lift. You have the power to make their day.

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Trish Shaeffer mom of 3 active boys, a 9-year-old and 5-year-old twins who were born 2 months early and have special needs. She’s a peer supporter for Parent to Parent and volunteers with the United Cerebral Palsy Network, Special Olympics, and the United Way. She’s also an equine volunteer at Leg Up Farm. She’s married to her best friend and biggest supporter, Chris Shaeffer.

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Promote Independence in Kids with Special Needs, Pt. 2

Did you know you can promote independence in kids with special needs with some DIY home remodeling projects? Guest blogger Paul Denikin, handyman and dad to a child with special needs, shared 2 remodeling tips in last week’s post. Today he’s back with 2 more projects to encourage independence and confidence in your home.

Remodel to Promote Independence in Kids with Special Needs, Pt. 2

Tip #3: Make Bathrooms Safe and Accessible

Most home accidents occur in the bathroom, so it is especially important to make repairs and modifications to make the bathroom as safe and accessible as possible for your children with special needs. There are several products available that require minimal expense and effort that will make your bathroom more accommodating.

For example, you can install grab bars on the shower walls and near the toilet to aid your child with getting in and out of the shower and up and down from the toilet. Keep in mind that your child should not rely on towel racks, toilet paper holders, or wall-mounted sinks to support his weight; these products are not designed to do so, and your child could get injured if he attempts to use them. Other products that increase bathroom safety and accessibility include rubber grip mats for the floor of the bathtub, bathtub or shower seats, transfer tub benches, handheld shower heads, and raised toilet seats.

Of course, there are much more involved projects that you could undertake to remodel your entire bathroom for your child with special needs. Some families opt to install vanities and sinks at lower heights. Others opt to install shower stalls that are wheelchair accessible. The size and scope of your bathroom repair and modification projects depend on your child’s needs and your budget.

Tip #4: Ensure Your Floors Do Not Pose a Danger to your Child

High pile carpeting and tile flooring are not ideal for children with special needs. High pile carpeting prevents wheelchair wheels from turning and rolling properly, and tile floors may be uneven and result in your child tripping and falling as he walks. Tile floors also can inhibit wheel movement or the smooth movement of walkers and crutches if something catches on the corner of an uneven tile. Tile flooring in a bathroom or kitchen is dangerous because these surfaces tend to be very slippery when wet. Slip-resistant flooring is recommended for bathroom and kitchen installations, and it is worth noting that tiles no larger than 2” x 2” are less slippery than larger tiles.

Laminate or low pile carpeting is a better option for children with special needs. These flooring options are durable and work well in high-traffic areas and often are easier to clean than high pile carpet and tile floors. If your child has allergies or asthma, laminate and low pile carpet are better options for those health issues because they do not hold pet dander and dust like high pile carpet does.

There are several simple ways to modify your home to make it more accessible to children with special needs. From wheelchair ramps to slip-resistant floors, you can make the repairs and accommodations that promote independence in kids with special needs.

More Ideas that Promote Independence in Kids with Special Needs

Now that you’ve heard all of Paul’s ideas, it’s your turn. Add your DIY remodel ideas that promote independence in kids with special needs in the comment box below.

Part 1

Do you like what you see at DifferentDream.com? You can receive more great content by subscribing to the quarterly Different Dream newsletter and signing up for the daily RSS feed delivered to your email inbox. You can sign up for the first in the pop up box and the second at the bottom of this page.

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Paul Denikin is passionate about sharing his experiences on his site dadknowsdiy.com with working on DIY projects to benefit people with special needs children.