Fetal Alcohol Syndrome: A Good and Perfect Gift?

Fetal Alcohol Syndrome: A Good and Perfect Gift?

by | Mar 5, 2013 | Different Dream, Encouragement, Spiritual Support

Fetal Alcohol Syndrome: A Good and Perfect Gift?

Fetal alcohol syndrome. Can it possibly be a good and perfect gift from God? Guest blogger Michelle Selent, mother of two adopted daughters with fetal alcohol syndrome, has been wrestling with that question lately. Read on to see what she’s come to understand.

Fetal Alcohol Syndrome: A Good and Perfect Gift?

I have been thinking lately. Thinking about what raising two daughters with fetal alcohol syndrome has given me and my family. I am sure some look at our family and look at what I have laid bare in vulnerable moments, and it may get interpreted as what they have taken away from us. Sure, we have less freedom, challenges, and more responsibilities, but this I believe:

“Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.” (James 1:17)

What does this tell me? It tells me that the daughters the Lord has given me are good and perfect gifts. God doesn’t change, so this is always true. He has not only given me two beautiful daughters, but He has also given me these gifts because of them:

I have more compassion. Compassion for those who are innocently afflicted. Compassion for caregivers and parents and teachers who daily love and nurture those afflicted. It is often times a judged and thankless position to be in. Compassion for isolation and loneliness. Compassion for being tired and discouraged and sometimes feeling hopeless. Compassion for running on empty because so much has been drained from you.

I have more understanding. How many times due to lack of understanding on my part, did I myself in fact judge? Not every screaming child in the grocery line or every problem child in class is due to poor parenting.

I have more reasons to celebrate. Some things come easy to neurotypical children— like potty training, sleep, learning, and behavior. I know firsthand just how much it takes to make strides now. And believe me, it is reason to celebrate.

I have drawn so much closer to my heavenly Father because He is my source. Without my Savior the discouraging times that come would have left me withered and dead. Without Him, my eyes would have been blind to the good and perfect gifts He has laid out before me.

Having more compassion, understanding, reasons to celebrate, and closeness—those are really good gifts, don’t you think? I am sure my God will use His perfect gifts in my life perfectly.

What Good Gifts Have You Received?

Compassion, understanding, reasons to celebrate, and closeness are priceless gifts. What priceless gifts have you received as the parent of your child with special needs? Tell us about them in the comment box.

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Michelle is the mother of two adopted daughters with fetal alcohol syndrome. You can connect with her on Instagram.

Author Jolene Philo

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Autism: One Family’s Unexpected Journey

Autism: One Family’s Unexpected Journey

by | Feb 6, 2013 | Different Dream, Encouragement, Spiritual Support

Autism: One Family’s Unexpected Journey

An autism diagnosis for daughter Kylie was guest blogger Amy Stout’s first step on her family’s unexpected parenting journey. A recent date with husband Dan to the movies left Amy feeling a deep connection with the title of the first Hobbit movie…An Unexpected Journey.

An Unexpected Journey

Eleanor Roosevelt once said:
The purpose of Life is to live it, to taste, experience to the utmost, to reach out eagerly and without fear for newer and richer experience.

An Unexpected Connection

My family has learned what Eleanor Roosevelt meant by that beautiful and inspiring morsel of knowledge. Last night, my husband took me on an “alone” date to watch the movie The Hobbit. At the beginning of the movie, the words An Unexpected Journey scrolled across the screen. I instantly connected with those words on such a deep level that I was barely able to watch the rest of the movie!

My mind kept rejoicing that I had finally discovered the pivotal phrase that frames up what our life has become: An Unexpected Journey. I then began to clearly play back expectations that I had brought with me into various life seasons and how the unexpected had altered them in ways I was unable to clearly recognize.

How, at the time, I felt as though I could barely breathe—as though I were drowning.
I would surely live but not emerge untouched.

Unexpected Truth

Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr once said:
A mind that is stretched by a new experience can never go back to its old dimensions.

I have found this wisdom to be true.

I also found that the less I fought these ripples, the less painful and consuming they were. In fact, I found that if I opened my arms and, dare I say it out loud, embraced them, I eventually learned to enjoy the unfamiliar and most unexpected journey.

The fabric of my once perfectly ironed life transformed into something much more valuable. More reminiscent of a quilt carefully gifted from generation to generation with priceless fragments of moments and lessons—a story that is a treasure when imparted.

Unexpected Adventure

I began to hold on less and less. I loosened my grip and began to raise my eyes to see what was happening around me. I actually invited others to join me!! The experience was no longer overwhelming, it was an adventure. I was actually excited to see what came next!

It was then that my family made the decision to commit to this mindset. We did not “have” Autism. Autism would not consume us. Autism did not make us “less.” Instead, as a family, we would Experience Autism.

Anytime I am asked to describe Kylie’s diagnosis, I simply write that she experiences Autism. When asked about our family situation, I tell them that we experience Autism.

To some it is just a word, but to us it is much MUCH more! We are experiencing life—even Autism—together, as a unit, and it is an adventure: a very wonderful, unexpected journey!!

A few more kernels of wisdom that we draw inspiration from…

The only source of knowledge is experience ~ Albert Einstein

Nothing is a waste of time if you use the experience wisely ~ Auguste Rodin

Your Unexpected Journey

Are you on an unexpected special needs journey, too? Do Amy’s words (and the title of the hobbit movie) resonate with you? Leave a comment about what you’ve been learning on the way.

Do you like what you see at DifferentDream.com? You can receive more great content by subscribing to the quarterly Different Dream newsletter and signing up for the daily RSS feed delivered to your email inbox. You can sign up for the first in the pop-up box and the second at the bottom of this page.

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Amy Stout is a wife, mother, and free-lance writer. You can visit her website at His Treasured Princess.

Author Jolene Philo

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Special Needs Parenting Changes Relationships

Special Needs Parenting Changes Relationships

by | Jan 16, 2013 | Different Dream, Grief, Spiritual Support

Special Needs Parenting Changes Relationships

Special needs parenting can be very hard on relationships. You name the relationship—spouse, friends, co-workers, our typical kids—special needs parenting impacts it. In today’s post, guest blogger Michelle Selent shares the frustrating changes in relationships after she and her husband adopted two daughters with fetal alcohol syndrome.

Changing Relationships

This morning’s post has been on my heart for quite some time now. Many times I have felt the Lord stop my fingers from typing because my heart was just not in the right place. Things get muddled in the pool of hurt and a lack of understanding, so I waited for the Holy Spirit to make things more clear.

One of the biggest adjustments that has come from our adoption journey has been that every single relationship we have or had changed. Some for the worse and some for the better and some new relationships came into play as well.

Changing Responsibilities

As a large family and a special needs family at that, maintaining friendships is hard. Harder than I ever imagined it would be. I know for us personally our parental responsibilities became so great, that I honestly didn’t have, and often times still don’t have, a lot left over. So I am sure that plays a huge role in relationship disintegration.

I am seeking God right now about how to find friendship and community again. I desperately miss doing life with others. Feeling a part and being included in relationships outside our family.

Changing Challenges

Honestly the girls’ neurological issues make it challenging. It is hard to participate in things with them when you know they struggle with impulse control and cause and effect. With my boys I used to help out in the church office, I could take them with me knowing they would listen to me and behave appropriately. Our childcare support system is minimal at best. So I am waiting on the Lord to help me figure things out. Maybe this is just for a season or maybe I need to learn some more skills or maybe God will help us find a better support system.

Changing Prayers

There is an awful ache in my heart to feel connected. Please Lord Jesus help me find friendship. Help me find where I fit with where I am at right now. In your precious faithful name, I pray.

How Has Special Needs Parenting Changed Your Relationships?

Have you experienced relationship changes and frustrations similar to Michelle’s? How do you deal with them? What would help you adjust to these changes? How has God helped you adjust? Leave a comment to share your experience. 

photo credit: Shandi-lee via photopin cc

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Michelle is the mother of two adopted daughters with fetal alcohol syndrome. You can connect with her on Instagram.

Author Jolene Philo

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The Envelope: Video Edition

The Envelope: Video Edition

by | Jan 10, 2013 | Different Dream, Grief, Spiritual Support

The Envelope: Video Edition

The envelope? Huh? What envelope?

The envelope guest blogger Scott Newport talked about way back in August in his post Redwood Love Notes at Summer Camp.

Now do you remember? I’m talking about the envelope that held the love note Scott tucked in the suitcase his son Noah took to summer camp. The envelope that helped Scott and his son Noah deal with their grief over the loss of Scott’s son and Noah’s brother, Evan. Evan died of Noonan’s Syndrome when he was seven years old.

The Envelope: The Written Version

The written post was pretty popular. Several of you left comments about how it touched and inspired you to create something similar for the next time you and your child will be away from one another—at summer camp, in the hospital, or even for an overnight stay at Grandpa and Grandma’s house.

The Envelope: The Video Version

Since August, Scott has created a video version of the story in cooperation with a pilot project at C.S. Mott’s Children’s Hospital at the University of Michigan. In the video you get to hear Scott tell the story (and sing a little) and see pictures of the redwood love note project and pictures of Scott and Penni’s kids.

But that’s enough talk. Here’s the video so you can watch it yourself. (This video comes with a tissue warning.)

What Do You Think?

Are your eyes dry yet? Or do you need a minute to get another tissue? Go ahead. I’ll wait for you to get back. When you do, leave a comment about your reaction to the video. Or tell Scott how you will adapt the idea for use with your family. Or just thank him for sharing his heart so openly and using his loss to bring hope to grieving families who have lost children.

Do you like what you see at DifferentDream.com? You can receive more great content by subscribing to the quarterly Different Dream newsletter and signing up for the daily RSS feed delivered to your email inbox. You can sign up for the first in the pop-up box and the second at the bottom of this page.

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Scott Newport is a carpenter who has a vision for unwanted, damaged wood. His finds are treasures to his soul. Each discovery he makes unfolds into a beautiful piece of furniture for which he finds a home, usually with a child or caregiver of a child with special needs. He writes about the life lessons he learns from his 3 children, especially from Evan who died in November of 2009 after 7 years of joyful life. To access all of Scott’s guest posts, click on the magnifying glass at the top of the page and type “Scott Newport” in the search box.

Author Jolene Philo

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The Problem of Pain and Children with Special Needs

The Problem of Pain and Children with Special Needs

by | Jan 8, 2013 | Different Dream, Encouragement, Spiritual Support

The Problem of Pain and Children with Special Needs

The problem of pain has been a sticking point for brilliant theologians like C. S. Lewis and for ordinary parents of kids with medical special needs for a long, long time. Today, one of those ordinary parents, Kimberly Rae, shares what she learned about the problem of pain when her child faced a medical procedure.

The Problem of Pain and Children with Special Needs:
Where Is God When We Hurt?

My two-year-old little boy was having unexplained health problems. They were mostly digestive, and as we were missionaries overseas, my husband and I were concerned about parasites. When we returned to America, we took our young son to several doctors. One specialist ordered blood tests, meaning my toddler would have to have his blood drawn—not just the finger-poking kind, but the real, needle-in-the-vein kind of blood tests.

I cannot tell you how I dreaded that experience. When the day came, my stomach was in knots. My son went to the doctor’s office as cheerfully as usual, unaware of what was coming. When I sat him on my lap in the black laboratory chair and held him to me as a nurse plunged that needle deep into his arm, everything changed. His face contorted. He began to cry, to try to get away from the pain, to wail out his confusion at this unexpected injustice.

My heart cried with him every moment until they got all the blood needed for the required tests. I hurt for his physical pain, but even more for the emotional pain he suffered. He, who was sitting in the lap of the one who had kissed his scraped knees and imagined hurts, was now being held down by that same person, forced to suffer pain.

How could this be? Had I stopped loving him? Did I want to have him go through this terrible thing? Had I forsaken him?

Any adult knows the agony of having to take a child through a painful situation rather than enabling them to sidestep it. As much as it hurt me to see my son being hurt, I knew I had to allow him to go through this so we could help him. It was for his ultimate good, but he could not see that during the time of pain. All he knew was that his mother was not fixing the problem; her arms were the ones holding him there.

I could not take away the pain, but I did stay with him. As much as I hated to see what he was going through, I had to suffer it with him. He is mine. I love him. When he hurts, I hurt.

Within that circumstance, I saw a glimpse of my God.

When we go through difficult trials, painful circumstances, one of the first things we question is God’s love for us. How could God let this happen? Why doesn’t He fix it?

If God really loved us, surely He would take away this problem, wouldn’t He?

We live in a world of pain, and God does not keep all that pain from ever touching us. When the difficult times come, however, you can know and share this:

  1. God is there and He loves you so much. He is with you even when you’re hurting (Psalm 46:1).
  2. God has a purpose in this time, even if you can’t see what it is right now (Jer. 29:11).

I cannot imagine turning my back on my son if he were in any kind of pain. How much more so will God, who is a much better parent, never turn away from us when we suffer!

Instead, He says, “I will never leave you or forsake you” (Hebrews 13:5).
The God of the universe loves you. He sees; He knows; He cares.
You are not alone.

What Do You Think about the Problem of Pain?

If you like, please leave a comment about what you’ve learned about the problem of pain while parenting your child with special needs.

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Read about Kimberly Rae’s real-life adventures at her blog, kimberlyrae.com/blog. Kim has lived in Bangladesh, Uganda, Kosovo and Indonesia. Health problems brought her home from the mission field, and she now lives in Lenoir, North Carolina, with her husband and two young children. Rae’s three books on international human trafficking and missions (Stolen Woman, Stolen Child, Stolen Future) are all Amazon Bestsellers, and she has been contracted for another series about living with chronic illness.

Author Jolene Philo

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Special Needs Confession: Unglued and Reglued

Special Needs Confession: Unglued and Reglued

by | Nov 28, 2012 | Different Dream, Grief, Spiritual Support

Special Needs Confession: Unglued and Reglued

Special needs confessions are a specialty here at Different Dream. Today’s confession comes compliments of guest blogger, Michelle Selent. In this post, she describes how a recent setback, due to med change for her daughters who live with fetal alcohol syndrome and bipolar disorder, left her unglued.

Special Needs Confession: Unglued and Reglued

I want to share with you just how God has been speaking to me since my girls started to go manic due to a change in their medication regime. Some friends and I are going through Lysa Terkeurst Bible study Unglued: Making Wise Choices in the Midst of Raw Emotions. Once again God has brought something to me that has divine perfect timing.

The past couple weeks have been some of the most challenging we have ever had with the girls. We are on our second medication since the last one. The first one we tried was horrific. Mercy screamed inconsolably for four hours until almost midnight one night then woke up screaming again at 5 AM. This coming on after both the girls literally were awake for 48 hours coming off the old medication, left us empty.

Special Needs Confession: Unglued by Frustration and Guilt

I did come unglued. I was furious to see what was happening to our girls. I yelled and screamed at God, literally waving my fist in the air in complete exhaustion and frustration. I cried the shoulder-heaving cry. You know, the kind that leaves you looking like you have Garfield-the-cat eyes when you wake up the next morning. Yeah. It wasn’t pretty.

Then comes the guilt. The guilt that comes from knowing that I swerved. When circumstances came at me hard and I didn’t stand firm. Doubt didn’t creep into my heart—it bombarded it.

Special Needs Confession: Unglued and Broken

I kept thinking: Where is God’s glory in all of this? How is He for me and not against me in all of this? What future and hope do my girls really have? Really? Is faith really just something you use to psych yourself out of reality? I was broken and empty.

A quote from this week’s homework struck my wounded soul.

And empty women, oh how we come unglued. Especially when the empty settles into the part of our souls where unmet desires restlessly wait. And in the dark corner, desperation churns for what could be but isn’t, and what we want but still don’t have.

I long for my sweet chocolattes to be redeemed from what their birth mother inflicted upon them. I long for them to learn. I long for them to be able to eat normally, sit normally, focus normally, speak normally, make friends, fit in, bring joy to others, and one day, for them to know Jesus and serve him, while living successful adult lives. I long to not only love them but to like them more. Don’t get me wrong—they have very endearing aspects. Mercy can smile and laugh and melt you to pieces with her cuteness, and Jubilee is such a love bug. But the scales are tipped right now with all the behavior issues.

Special Needs Confession: Reglued and Unswerving

God brought this scripture verse back to the forefront: Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. (Galatians 6:9) Lysa also said this: He goes deep like the ocean. He stretches wide like the sky. He reaches out like the sun. Even when our tears slip, we know his hand never does.

Oh, how I needed to read that. Yes, I swerved, and yes, my flesh failed. But in my best Jesus-take-the-wheel voice, I tell you I am swerving back. Thank you, Jesus, that you never fail. Help me to not give up and to see the harvest. God knows my unmet desires and why they mean so much to me. May I desire Him even more and May he give me an unswerving faith.

Insert Your Special Needs Confession Here

I’m pretty sure Michelle’s not the only parent of kids with special needs who’s come unglued. Now’s the time to share your confession with people who understand. If you’ve been reglued, tell us how that happened, too.

Do you like what you see at DifferentDream.com? You can receive more great content by subscribing to the quarterly Different Dream newsletter and signing up for the daily RSS feed delivered to your email inbox. You can sign up for the first in the pop-up box and the second at the bottom of this page.

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Michelle is the mother of two adopted daughters with fetal alcohol syndrome. You can connect with her on Instagram.

Author Jolene Philo

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