When Forgiving a Child with Special Needs Is Difficult

by jphilo | Apr 12, 2013 | Different Dream, Encouragement, Spiritual Support

When Forgiving a Child with Special Needs Is Difficult

Forgiveness is a required skill for parents raising kids with special needs. Today, guest blogger Becky Hallberg talks about her struggle to forgive her son who’s been going through a hard patch lately.

When Forgiving a Child Is Difficult

There have been many opportunities for forgiving a child in our home this week, which means so many things going wrong. Our son has been struggling again, and it all came to a head this week. He recently finished another intensive—10 days of occupational therapy in a row. Along with the turmoil that can cause, there is evidence of spring everywhere, and that may be causing his allergies to bother him. There are many possible reasons for his tough week—and I would take away every single one of them, if I could.

But I can’t. And that’s where life gets messy for all of us.

I wouldn’t trade anything about who my son is, but sometimes, I wish things were easier for him. I know that if his struggles are maddening to me, they must be so difficult for him. He’s not able to verbalize just what the problem is in the middle of a meltdown.

I Wish It Was Easier for Him to Forgive

This week was worse than most, though. His actions were far over the top. His emotions were in full swing, and I was back to just making sure he was safe. While his emotions and meltdowns are difficult, and often leave me feeling at a loss, the inability to help him in times like this is frustrating. As a parent, you want to help your child, and when you cannot, it’s awful. And when things get difficult like they have been, it’s hard to forgive. I’m sure it’s hard for him to ask for forgiveness—humility doesn’t come easily to many people.

But there was more. This week he spoke some of the most harsh and unkind words he’s ever uttered to me. Insult to injury. And in those moments, I’m convinced he had no idea what he was saying, yet it caused me so much pain.

And so I watched and I waited. I protected him from himself. I tried to remain emotionless through it all so as not to feed his frenzy. For almost an hour, the noise, the shouting, the meltdown continued. The words hurt, the attitude and actions hurt, and by the end of it all, my frustration was building.

He calmed down for a class he had to attend, and later we went back to those words. When I told him that his words hurt me so badly, he had a look that seemed to indicate that he had no idea what he had said. He immediately said, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you. You’re such a good mommy.”

I Wish It Was Easier for Me to Forgive

That made me mad—but not mad at him. I was so thankful that his immediate response was to apologize.

It made me mad at my unforgiving spirit. I wanted to be mad at that child. No one would have blamed me.

But as I gave him a hug and kiss and offered my forgiveness (begrudgingly!), I was immediately convicted. When I go to God with my sin or disobedience and ask His forgiveness, does He offer it begrudgingly to me, His child? No, not at all. Instead, His forgiveness is immediately granted and freely given. That is my benefit as God’s child. That is the benefit for any of us who ask God’s forgiveness.

Yet here I was, unable to pass along the same gift to my own child. My attitude changed. It had to. That’s the thing about conviction—you can feel the conviction and do nothing, or you can let it help change you to who you need to be.

When Is Forgiving a Child Hard for You?

Is it ever hard for you to forgive your child? If you like, leave a comment about what happens to change your attitude.

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How To Respond to a Special Needs Calling

Do you think of parenting your child with special needs a calling from God? Do you ever struggle about how to respond to his call? It’s sometimes a struggle for guest blogger Rebekah Benimoff as this post shows.

How to Respond to a Special Needs Calling

Today I read a word from God via the heart of a mother: “Life is not an emergency. Life is brief and it is fleeting, but is not an emergency… Emergencies are sudden unexpected events—but is anything under the sun unexpected to God?”

Sigh.

My heart resonates with desire to live every moment fully, to ferret out paths of gratitude which buoy up the soul and sustain, even when life is chaotic and unclear.

What if My Life is Speckled with Emergencies?

The question: But what if life—my life—is speckled with emergencies?

The words on the page answer back, “…life is so urgent it necessitates living slow.”

I nod. There is much in my life that I would call urgent. “In Christ, urgent means slow. In Christ the most urgent necessitates a slow and steady reverence.”

I think back across weeks and months, even years, and understanding lights. The paradox in our many emergencies is this: these sudden unexpected events require me to slow down. To watch carefully. To live fully in the moment. Yes, there is the flurry and the fear and the lightning trip to the hospital, the ER, the children’s medical center. But what follows is always time to wait.

Is it my Calling to Keep My Baby Alive?

When I am so still, anxiety billows up, and I have to pray away fear. I take seriously this caregiving, this challenge to do my part in seeking after ways to help a not-big-enough boy to grow. I watch carefully the peaks and valleys of managing blood sugars and digestive issues and aiming towards balance. But sometimes I grasp more responsibility than is mine to shoulder. I think it is my job to keep my son alive. Oh, Father God! How does a mother’s heart become utterly spent? When this mother tries to claim that which is for the hands of God alone.

It is mine to love and soothe and serve and offer care in the ways that my son’s uniquely designed body and soul need. But it is not my job to keep my baby alive.

I weep with the truth of it. Mothering a child with medical needs is hard and helpless all at once. I’ve spoken the strain and struggle. “I spend my life just trying to keep him alive.” I am consumed, depleted. I pour out all I am and still it is not enough. It has been my pursuit but it is not my calling. As if I could breathe life and breath and wholeness into his body with all my striving. But there is a breath that comes only and always from heaven.

My Calling Is to Let Go

My calling is to let go. When devastating unknowns compel me to run into my prayer closet and cry out to God, his sweet whisper urges, let go. Not of the tenderness in a mother’s heart, not of prayer—for it is a most powerful weapon against the enemy. Not even of the natural desire to protect and to resolve medical struggles. Let go—but not of the desire that a precious little one JUST FEEL BETTER and GROW. The Voice seeking to calm and sustain invites,

“Let go of your expectations of yourself.“

And I breathe hard and grasp truth, and pour out words onto a page. But can I live this way? There is risk in release. Yet I know that too often I labor under a load I was never called to carry. The true calling when faced with a season of urgent waiting is this: release the urge to control and linger in the arms of love. He is the gift within the suffering.

My Calling Is to Let God Equip Me

Now is the moment to walk free—to throw off fear and expectation and allow God to equip me for what He’s called me to and let go of the rest. I am certain this will be a process, a journey with many needed reminders. But I am also sure that abundant living is not possible without this letting go. So I seek the altar, the place of release. And the Voice resounds with love I need like breath: God does not expect me to be perfect, He simply asks me to be real and allow the blanket of grace to cover that which I cannot… and was never meant to. We tarry here, in this holy place, and I find rest for my soul.

What Has God Called You to Do?

Do you sense God calling you through Rebekah’s words? What is he calling you to do?

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photo credit: www.freedigitalphotos.net

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Rebekah Benimoff is the wife of a husband with PTSD and the mother of two young men, both of whom grew up with medical and special needs. She blogs at In the Chaos…. and In the Calm (justmemama.blogspot.com).