I Can’t Do This By Myself!

I Can’t Do This By Myself!

I Can’t Do This By Myself!

He already knew how to tie his shoes when he held them on his lap. He was struggling to tie them when they were on his feet.

My situation wasn’t all that different from his.

I had used Blackboard to design the college class I was about teach for the first time ever. But I was struggling with the platform while interacting with students and grading their work.

I stared at the computer screen, baffled by all the buttons, wondering which one to click. “I can’t do this by myself!” I thought.

That’s the moment when I remembered my grandson uttering those words as he stared at the untied shoe on his foot. “Grammy, I can’t do this by myself.”

“I’m right here,” I assured him as we sat together on the couch. “I’ll stay right here until you’ve got it down pat.”

A few minutes later, he was off, eager to show he parents how he could put his shoes on and tie them all by himself.

I stared at the computer screen unsure. Scared to fail. Unwilling to click one of the many buttons before me. My immobility was similar to what I sometimes experienced while raising a child with special needs, when every day brought a new obstacle.

A new setback.
A new illness.
A new search for resources and doctors.
A new solution for our child’s medical condition.

To read the rest of I Can’t Do This By Myself, visit Key Minstry’s blog for special needs parents.

Do you like what you see at DifferentDream.com? You can receive more great content by subscribing to the monthly Different Dream newsletter and signing up for the daily RSS feed delivered to your email inbox. You can sign up for the first in the pop up box and the second at the bottom of this page.

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Jolene Philo is the author of the Different Dream series for parents of kids with special needs. She speaks at parenting and special needs conferences around the country. She’s also the creator and host of the Different Dream websiteSharing Love Abundantly With Special Needs Families: The 5 Love Languages® for Parents Raising Children with Disabilities, which she co-authored with Dr. Gary Chapman, was released in August of 2019 and is available at local bookstores, their bookstore website, and at Amazon.

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Moving from Painful Comparison to Joyful Acceptance as Special Needs Parents

Moving from Painful Comparison to Joyful Acceptance as Special Needs Parents

Moving from Painful Comparison to Joyful Acceptance as Special Needs Parents

Moving from painful comparison to joyful acceptance as special needs parents is healthy. Guest blogger Kristin Faith Evans, mom of 2 kids and a mental health therapist, offers her best advice about how to make the transition.

My daughter, Beth, made the big transition to middle school last week. I sat next to her as she joined her first virtual classes of the Fall. With her compromised lungs and fragile immune system, COVID has continued to prevent her from attending school in person. She seemed happy, but I wanted so much more for both of us. Her first day of sixth grade felt anything but joyful for me. At least at first.

Comparing Increases Our Suffering

Later that day I began scrolling through pictures on social media. I found myself staring at other moms helping their daughters pick up their schedules and decorate their lockers. Sadness and irritability rose to my cheeks. The loss and grief stung.

But I’ve learned that comparing my life to others only causes me more pain. This verse has proven true in my life. “A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones” (Proverbs 14:30, NIV). The more jealous I am of other moms, the more miserable and bitter I become. When I compare, I’m pushing away my emotions and struggling with reality.

As Marsha M. Linehan explains, “Rejecting reality turns pain into suffering. Refusing to accept reality can keep you stuck in unhappiness, bitterness, anger, sadness, shame, or other painful emotions. Acceptance may lead to sadness, but deep calmness usually follows” (2015).

Validating Our Painful Emotions

I’ve found in counseling clients and through my own experience, moving to acceptance is like beginning a journey. We take our first step toward joy by naming our painful circumstances and validating our emotions.

Try this exercise:

  1. Name one painful emotion that you’re feeling today: _____________.
  2. Say to yourself, “It makes sense I’m feeling this way considering ____________________.”
  3. Allow yourself to feel those hard emotions.

Once I realized why I was in a bad mood, I sat down and allowed myself to cry. Validating my experience allowed me to release my bitterness and sadness. I felt relief.

If it helps you, receive God’s compassion and peace. This verse always brings me comfort: “The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit” (Psalm 34:18, ESV).

Moving to Joyful Acceptance

The next step in moving from painful comparison to joyful acceptance as special needs parents is turning to look at our circumstances with new eyes. I encourage you to begin with one moment today. Work through the exercise above. Then, turn to gaze at what truly is.

Once I acknowledged the painful reality that Beth is unable to attend school like other girls her age, I was able to see that she’s enjoying learning. She’s healthy and loving life. Expressing gratitude for the gifts in her life changed my focus. I felt joy, and I discovered new blessings.

Accepting our circumstances allows us to begin cultivating meaning in our lives. Going through this process will not take away our loss, but it can help heal our pain, bring us peace, and free us to experience joy.

How have you discovered joy in acceptance?

Reference: Linehan, M. M. (2015). DBT Skills Training Manual, Second Edition. New York: The Guildford Press.

Do you like what you see at DifferentDream.com? You can receive more great content by subscribing to the monthly Different Dream newsletter and signing up for the daily RSS feed delivered to your email inbox. You can sign up for the first in the pop up box and the second at the bottom of this page.

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Kristin lives with her husband, Todd, and their two children in the Nashville, TN area. As an author and mental health therapist, her greatest passion is walking with others on their journey to deeper emotional, psychological, and spiritual wholeness. As both her children have rare genetic disorders, Kristin especially loves supporting other parents of children with special needs. She hopes that you may find encouragement and support through her two websites and blogs, www.KristinFaithEvans.com and www.SpecialNeedsMomsBlog.com.

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When Life Gets Really Crazy I Dream about our Vacation

When Life Gets Really Crazy I Dream about our Vacation

When Life Gets Really Crazy I Dream about our Vacation

“When life gets really crazy, I dream about our vacation.”

Those who know me well would surmise those were my words. I make such statements often. But in actuality they came from my husband Hiram, a calm man who rarely becomes stressed by either hard work or obstacles.

When he uttered those words in March of 2021, life was really crazy.

  • We were in month 13 of a home addition project which was supposed to take about 8 months.
  • We were filling out the paperwork related to turning 65 this year.
  • The grandchildren, ages 6 and 3, who live with their parents in the lower level of our house, were going through a less-than-endearing phase.
  • We were unable to go out for a meal or to a coffee shop because of the pandemic and a cold spring that put the kibosh on dining outdoors.

Not quite what he expected for his last year before retiring on June 30. He had every reason to dream about our upcoming month long vacation–on the rare occasions when we’re not occupied with the addition, paperwork, or grandkids.

I smiled at him on that crazy day. “I do the same thing. I can’t wait.”

The next day my mother’s health took a turn for the worse. April and May became a blur of phone calls and advocacy, along with emails and texts to my siblings about the excruciatingly slow ordeal of locating a residential facility able to meet her increased care needs.

To read the rest of When Life Gets Really Crazy I Dream about our Vacation, visit the Key Ministry website.

Do you like what you see at DifferentDream.com? You can receive more great content by subscribing to the monthly Different Dream newsletter and signing up for the daily RSS feed delivered to your email.

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Jolene Philo is the author of the Different Dream series for parents of kids with special needs. She speaks at parenting and special needs conferences around the country. She’s also the creator and host of the Different Dream websiteSharing Love Abundantly With Special Needs Families: The 5 Love Languages® for Parents Raising Children with Disabilities, which she co-authored with Dr. Gary Chapman, was released in August of 2019 and is available at local bookstores, their bookstore website, and at Amazon.

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Joyful

Joyful

Joyful

Joyful celebrations were hard to come by for many during the pandemic. Though increasing health challenges and isolation affected Sandy Ramsey-Trayvick’s son, he not only found joy but also found ways to express it.  

My son has a new favorite song that he’s been singing a lot lately. It’s called Joyful. When he hears it, he lights up. He laughs and dances and grabs my hand to join him as he sings,

This is the day that the Lord has made
And I ain’t gonna let it slip away
I’m gonna be joyful
I’m gonna be joyful today today.

He laughs, dances and sings even though the past several months have been hard for him. His time at home during the pandemic has been marked with increasingly challenging health issues that have resulted in greater pain and more discomfort.  

Early in the pandemic, I wrote about how the Lord had reminded me to not forget His faithfulness. I shared that His prompting turned out to be preparation for an unforeseen health event for my son. At the time, I’d realized that the Lord wanted me to respond to this event by remembering that He was faithful—to not allow the circumstances to tempt me to question Him.

What I didn’t realize at the time was how many more opportunities I’d have during COVID to remember His faithfulness in the face of worsening health challenges for my son. Throughout this season, I’ve watched my son endure more suffering and distress than he’s had to endure for years. However, despite the increased health difficulties, my son’s joy has not wavered or diminished.  He continues to laugh and smile—singing and dancing and happy. He’s still joyful.

For my son, joy seems to come easily. It has been a source of great strength for him throughout his life. It continues to be one of God’s most precious gifts to him. The unstoppable joy that he has received from the Lord has helped him to persevere through the many challenges that disability and special needs have thrown his way (James 1:2-3). Even when he’s having a bad day, or enough has gone wrong that might make him feel like giving up, he instead proclaims—in his own way—how great his God is by choosing to “rejoice in the Lord.” By remaining joyful, he makes God bigger than his problems.

I have to work a little harder for my joy. I know we’re called to choose joy, but during tough seasons, that’s hard to do on some days. I’m tempted at times to let difficult circumstances bring me down, rather than relying on my joy to help me persevere. I’m so thankful that God’s faithfulness during this season has included reminders—through my son—to be joyful always, in every circumstance.  

So, as my son laughs and sings and grabs my hand to dance and sing along, I join him every time. I pat my heart alongside him and declare for myself,

I got the joy joy down in my heart
Down in my heart
Down in my heart
I got the J-O-Y down in my heart today today.

And we experience that joy together.

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Sandy is wife to Terry, mom to 3 young adult children, a Bible study teacher, an encourager to those who are weary, a fitness enthusiast, a lover of books, and a certified professional coach. She and her husband are also marriage mentors. Twenty years ago, after her son was diagnosed with multiple disabilities, Sandy became his full time caregiver and advocate. She knows that living in the world of special needs or disabilities can lead to a “disabled life” mindset that focuses on limitations and settles for less life, less joy, less fulfillment. She coaches parents of children with special needs to help them see their circumstances from a perspective of hope, purpose, and opportunity. She helps them choose actions that create a life for themselves and their families that is joyful, fulfilling and fruitful. You can learn more about Sandy, her work, and her blog at www.UNDisabledLIVES.org.

Author Jolene Philo

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Taking Time for Yourself

Taking Time for Yourself

Taking Time for Yourself

TakIng time for yourself is a hard sell. As summer approaches, guest blogger Kimberly Drew is selling the idea to herself because she has no other choice. Check out the pep talk she gives herself daily as she comes to grips with her own health needs and limitations.

I’m about at the end of my rope and am anxiously counting down the days until summer vacation. At the same time, I know that summer is a break in the routine that my girls thrive in. The demands on my energy and physical body are high over the summer. I’m also anticipating a surgery that will keep me from lifting for a minimum of 6 weeks. This will be hard for our family, but I know I have to take care of myself if I’m going to take care of my girls.

What I do now to care for me impacts their future. Putting “me first” is not in my nature. I was taught that to love others like Christ did means being a servant with a “me last” attitude. Yet here I am changing gears. Maybe you too need to care for yourself. Caregivers are often the last ones to take time for themselves, but our neglect of self-care shows up in one negative way or another. We have to make time to take care of ourselves regardless of all the things we need to do. I’m giving myself pep talks as in the days leading up to my surgery! Maybe you need encouragement, too, as you think about taking time for yourself.

Take to take time to care of yourself. It’s important to do so. Your family needs you emotionally, spiritually, physically, and mentally. You may be suffering because you pour yourself out day after day. But nothing is built into your lifestyle so you can be poured into. You need to take some time for yourself.

Take time to connect your soul to God. Prayers offered up in a rush or out of desperation are okay, but a quiet heart with a mind focused on the Lord is better. He fills in the gaps that nothing else can when you spend some time with Him each day. (Matthew 11:28) 

Take time to rest. Naps are okay when your body or mind are in need of healing. (Proverbs 3:24) 

Take time to nourish your body. Fast food on the way home from a long day of appointments isn’t nourishment! Caffeine to get by isn’t replenishment. Give your body what it needs to take care of itself. (Daniel 1:12-15)

Take time for your marriage. Marriages left alone are like an unpruned and uncared for plant…they don’t produce the beauty and life that they should. (Ephesians 5:21-32)

Take time to unplug. Choose a time each day to unplug the TV, the tablet, the phone, and computer. You’re already balancing so many things, why not get rid of things that steal your attention and waste your time. (Luke 10:38-42)

Take time to enjoy nature. Build time into your week to walk with a friend. The weather is turning around. You’ll be amazed at what 30 minutes of fresh air and sunshine outdoors can do for your mental health. When you walk with a friend it builds into your heart at the same time. It’s a win, win! (Psalm 19:1-6)

Taking time for yourself is essential if your desire is to take the best care of your child you possibly can. If doing so means printing out this post and taping it to your bathroom mirror, so be it!

Do you like what you see at DifferentDream.com? You can receive more great content by subscribing to the Different Dream newsletter and signing up for the daily RSS feed delivered to your email inbox. You can sign up for the first in the pop up box and the second at the bottom of this page

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Kimberly grew up and went to college in the small town of Upland, IN. She graduated from Taylor University with a degree in Elementary Education in 2002. While at TU, she married her college sweetheart and so began their adventure! Ryan and Kimberly have four amazing kids on earth (Abigail, Jayden, Ellie, and Cooper), and a baby boy waiting for them in heaven. Their daughter Abigail (Abbey) has multiple disabilities including cerebral palsy, a seizure disorder, hearing loss, microcephaly, and oral dysphagia. She is the inspiration behind Kimberly’s  desire to write. In addition to being a stay at home mom, Kimberly has been serving alongside her husband in full time youth ministry for almost fourteen years. She enjoys working with the senior high girls, scrapbooking, reading, and music. You can visit Kimberly at her website, Promises and Perspective.

Author Jolene Philo

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Making Every Day a Great Mother’s Day, Part 2

Making Every Day a Great Mother’s Day, Part 2

Making Every Day a Great Mother’s Day, Part 2

Making every day a great Mother’s Day is a priority for guest blogger and mom of 3 kids with special needs, Heather Johnson. In her previous post she shared the deep loss that led to her new perspective. Today, she’s here with ideas she’s discovered that go a long way toward making every day a great mother’s day.

 Today is the day after Mother’s Day, 2021. Tomorrow, May 12, 2021 is the nineteenth anniversary of my mom’s passing on Mother’s Day in 2002. She was 65. I’m nearly 62. The older I get, the more Mother’s Day has become an historical marker reminding me that it’s my job to mother myself well, not only for me but for my kids, even now that they’re grown. The following practices have helped me survive and thrive, especially when exhausted physically, rubbed raw emotionally, and wondering spiritually what the future will hold for our kids with special needs.

Physical Health

I eat a healthy diet 90% of the time and eat whatever want 10% of the time. Remember, rigidity isn’t healthy! Besides, who can live without a daily dose of chocolate? (I always have a hidden stash of Dove chocolates and savor one every day which keeps my sweet tooth at bay.)

I exercise daily with a combination of aerobics, stretching, and strengthening/toning. Finding something enjoyable is most sustainable. For me, it’s speed-walking 2 miles a day (30 minutes), doing some sort of yoga at home (20 minutes) and working all muscle groups with free weights (10 minutes). I break it up into three sessions and often multi-task. One great combination is listening to an audiobook while walking.

Mental Health

As a former mental health therapist, I’ve counseled people about the connection between thinking, feeling and behaving. I practice (and I do mean practice) what I teach. First, I practice checking my feelings (glad, sad, mad or scared) without self-judgment. I examine and sometimes challenge the thinking that causes those feelings, and choosing helpful behaviors.

Second, I practice reminding myself that I can only control myself. Others are in charge of themselves. I practice recognizing what I can and cannot do and learn to let go of what I can’t change.

Third, if you ever get to a point where depressive/anxiety symptoms are chronic and all other attempts at healthy lifestyle don’t help, seek professional help. I have been in therapy off and on throughout my adult life and also have taken medication. It’s ok to do what you need to do to improve and sustain your mental health.

Spiritual Health

Our souls need care, too. What centers you, brings you balance, brings you peace that lasts? For me, it’s my relationship with God. I find guidance and comfort in God’s word—the Bible. I read passages with promises regularly and hold them tightly as the lifeline they are. God never promises an easy life, but God does promise a fulfilling life when we trust him and walk in his ways.

So, what about you? What can you do about your physical, mental, and spiritual health to start making every day a great Mother’s Day? I suggest you start small and easy. Write down your goals (weekly, monthly, annually). Mark your progress. Celebrate every success, no matter how small. If you fail, that’s okay. Get back on track. Stay positive. You can do it! Progress is key, not perfection. Do it for yourself and for your kids. Life is a long-haul so make the journey as enjoyable and healthy as possible.

Now, how about a little piece of Dove chocolate?

Part 1

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Heather MacLaren Johnson and her husband have three kids, all five and under when adopted from Russia. Now 29, 27, and 22, all need regular help with their multiple, permanent, invisible disabilities stemming from prenatal exposure to alcohol (FASD).

Heather has B.S. in Education and a doctorate in Clinical Psychology. She is the author of Grace, Truth, & Time: Facilitating Small Groups That Thrive and has published personal essays in The Wonder Years: 40 Women Over 40 on Aging, Faith, Beauty, and Strength (Kregel Publications) and Your Story Matters: Finding, Writing, and Living the Truth of Your Life (NavPress). She’s writing a memoir about her family’s journey through hidden disabilities and mental illness to encourage others to greater intimacy with God and each other through times of desolation and lament.

Heather and her husband of 27 years live with two horses, two dogs, two barn cats, and a bunch of silk plants she just dusts. Heather writes and photographs at www.truelifewithgod.com.

Author Jolene Philo

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