Special Needs Parents and PTSD: What About You, Mom?

Special Needs Parents and PTSD: What About You, Mom?

by | Apr 10, 2015 | Different Dream, In Parents, PTSD

Special Needs Parents and PTSD: What About You, Mom?

PTSD and parents. I don’t want those two words to go together in the same sentence. Ever. But the truth is that PTSD and parents (especially the special needs variety)  spend way too time in one another’s company. That’s why Different Dream launched its series about special needs parents and PTSD last week with a review of what its recent parent survey shows. Today’s post comes from Jolene Philo, who recently came to grips with the trauma surrounding the birth of her first child in 1982.

What About You, Mom?

A few hours after our first child’s birth in 1982, he was life-flighted to a hospital 750 miles away for life-saving emergency surgery. For the next 4 years, my mother hen instincts were absorbed in caring for my little chick. Life felt like a revolving door as my husband and I watched him go in and out of the doctor’s office, in and out of the hospital, in and out of surgery way. That revolving door left very little time for self-examination or working through the trauma I had experienced after his birth.

So I shut the door to my emotions and kept them safely under lock and key for years–even decades–after our son’s health stabilized. Those emotions remained stuffed away until 2008 when our son, then 26, was treated for PTSD caused by all the early, invasive medical trauma he had experienced.

I was sitting in the trauma clinic’s waiting room minding my own business when one of the therapists stopped by to visit about our son’s progress. After confirming that our boy was progressing well, the therapist looked me in the eye and asked, “What about you, Mom?”

I had no idea why he was asking the question. “I’m fine,” I replied, puzzled.

He raised a quizzical eyebrow. “Is that so?”

For several years I ignored his question whenever it niggled in my brain. But then last fall, something happened to someone I love dearly, and that event unlocked the door to my emotions. Long hidden emotions came tumbling out. Once again I felt as alone and weak and helpless as the day the doctor took my newborn baby away. I felt stuck in the past, unable to move beyond the constant sense of worry and loss surrounding me.

I described my feelings to my sister, a mental health counselor. “You went through a lot when your baby was born,” she confirmed. “And you never processed your emotions. I think some Eye Movement Desensitizing and Reprocessing (EMDR) therapy might help you.” She did some online research and sent contact information for several therapists in our area and advice about dealing with our insurance. A few weeks later, I scheduled my first of several weekly appointments with a compassionate and skilled therapist. A few months later, she said we were done.

By then we’d become friends. I was sad to say good-bye to her, but I knew she was right. I no longer felt stuck. I could think about the early days and years of our son’s life and maintain an emotional distance that kept me from getting sucked back into them. Leaving her office for the last time, I resolved to share my experience with other parents of kids with special needs so they can find help and process their emotions soon after soon after they are traumatized.

If you think special needs parents and PTSD are living side by side in your life, I urge you to seek treatment. Follow these steps to find a therapist:

  • Ask your insurance company for a list of mental health therapists in their network.
  • Identify therapists on the list who have specialized trauma training.
  • Check them out on the internet.
  • Call their offices and ask them about their trauma training and therapy techniques.
  • Make an appointment with a therapist that best matches your needs.
  • Go to a few appointments. If you see red flags or don’t feel comfortable find a different therapist. But if you see progress, keep going until you’ve worked through your emotions.

So What About You, Mom?

That’s my story, and that’s my advice. But before signing off, let me ask you a few simple questions:

What about you, Mom?
What about you, Dad?
What about you?
What about you?

Part 1: Special Needs Parents and PTSD Results
Part 2: Special Needs Parents and PTSD–What About You Mom?
Part 3: PTSD in Parents–6 Ways to Deal with Adrenal Fatigue
Part 4: 8 Truths about PTSD in Parents of Kids with Special Needs
Part 5: PTSD in Parents–Moving from Negative to Positive

Part 6: PTSD and Special Needs Parents: 5 Ways to Prepare for Healing
Part 7: PTSD in Parents of Kids with Special Needs: Visualization as a Coping Tool
Part 8: Newborns Feel Pain: The Headline that Almost Triggered My PTSD

Part 9: Why Special Needs Parents with PTSD Should Watch Inside Out
Part 10: Why Kids with PTSD Need Mentally Healthy Parents
Part 11: PTSD and Special Needs Parents: Calling it Like It Is
Part 12: The Unseen Battle with PTSD
Part 13: Medically-Induced PTSD

 

Do you like what you see at DifferentDream.com? You can receive more great content by subscribing to the quarterly Different Dream newsletter and signing up for the daily RSS feed delivered to your email inbox. You can sign up for the first in the pop up box and the second at the bottom of this page.

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Jolene Philo is the author of the Different Dream series for parents of kids with special needs. She speaks at parenting and special needs conferences around the country. She’s also the creator and host of the Different Dream website. Sharing Love Abundantly With Special Needs Families: The 5 Love Languages® for Parents Raising Children with Disabilities, which she co-authored with Dr. Gary Chapman, was released in August of 2019 and is available at local bookstores, their bookstore website, and at Amazon.

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Special Needs Parents and PTSD Survey Results

Special Needs Parents and PTSD Survey Results

by | Apr 3, 2015 | Different Dream, In Parents, PTSD

Special Needs Parents and PTSD Survey Results

About a month ago, Different Dream first posted a survey about special needs parents and PTSD. Since then, and despite all sorts of tech issues that made this site hard to find, 49 people completed the survey. They took the time to tell their stories–many of them heartbreaking–because they want to raise awareness about the issue. This post is the first in a series, based on the survey results, about special needs parents and PTSD. In future posts, you’ll hear from some of the people who participated in the survey–with their permission, of course. But for today, the series examines the results of the study. Question #1 Do you think you have PTSD that was caused by your child’s special needs? All 49 participants answered this question. 90% said yes. 10% said no. Question #2 Have you been diagnosed by a mental health professional or doctor with PTSD? Again, all participants answered this question. 30% answered yes, they have been diagnosed with PTSD by a mental health care professional. 70% said no. Question #3 Have you received professional treatment for PTSD? Of the 47 people who answered this question, 30% said they have received professional treatment for PTSD, but 70% said they have not. Question #4 Did professional treatment help you cope with your traumatic memories? 36 people answered this question, even though only 14 said they have received professional treatment. 30% (16 people) said treatment helped them cope. 70% (20 people) said it did not. Hopefully, we can presume those who actually received treatment were the ones who responded positively. Question #5 When did your initial traumatic experience occur? Here are the comments parents left in the box:
  • Post adoption
  • During hospitalization
  • Right after she was born with her first diagnosis of cancer at 6 weeks of age.
  • At birth
  • Birth
  • At birth with first TEF baby and in NICU with second TEF baby
  • Yes during birth
  • Before birth
  • After birth
  • Began when we adopted her from Russia.
  • Premature birth, NICU
  • After diagnosis of stroke when she was 8 months of age
  • About a year after my first son was born. The first year is all about survival. When the dust starts to settle everything hit me like a brick. I managed to find a balance again. We found out we were pregnant with our second little boy. 24 weeks into pregnancy I found out he two would have the same disorder as his brother. Moments later the brick hit me again. It’s been over a year since the diagnoses and he is 8.5 months old. I’m still struggling.
  • At birth and in the NICU for 6 weeks. (preemie, born 10 weeks early)
  • I am raising my grandson, who is my son’s son, but due to circumstances at that time, he was not around. I was stunned that the mother wanted to give him up, so that was my first moment of panic. Then slowly realizing something was “not right” and thinking perhaps it was a connection/bond he was missing with his mother, I finally took him to the doctor where I left completely stunned by the diagnosis. Our lives took a sudden huge turn. I have learned a lot about PTSD. I know I probably need to take time and deal with my own, but I’m so involved in the caregiving process on so many levels.
  • Before birth
  • At birth, his first year spent mostly in hospital, his about 30 surgeries, for about the 4 years he stopped breathing about 6 times a day, the 2 times he almost died of kidney failure. Then my daughter started having supraventricular tachycardia episodes and mental health issues.
  • When my son was admitted to the hospital at 5 days old
  • With in the first month of my son’s birth
  • diagnoses before birth
  • NICU
  • When my child was 5 weeks old
  • At birth and many subsequent scary near losses
  • Diagnosis and afterwards
  • Birth, NICU, fighting for him during his first two years, heart surgery, and then bleeding
  • I’m not sure if I can pinpoint the first experience. It could be the emergency C-section required at birth, the multiple ear infections as a baby, the increasing symptoms of autism in the first 2 years, the diagnosis at 27 months, or when it all finally hit me 3 years after diagnosis. I’m not positive I HAVE PTSD, but I do have major anxiety and clinical depression.
  • In NICU
  • At about age 2 when his behavior and CP were first diagnosed
  • birth
  • at diagnosis
  • At diagnosis (newborn) and multiple times throughout growing years
  • About three years after he was born, after the the calm after the storm
  • At diagnosis
  • Both at the time of my sons near drowning accident and once again last year when he stop breathing and had to be rushed to the hospital in an ambulance
  • During his traumatic birth
  • At diagnosis
  • I believe the sudden death of my first husband had barely shown signs of what it did to me, then after remarrying our 16 month old was diagnosed with a brain tumor, after 18 visits to emerge starting at 16 weeks we begged for an MRI
  • During NICU but didn’t get help until probably a year later
  • When we met him in China (adoption)
  • NICU after his adoption
  • Before birth of my first child. Reactivated immediately after birth of my second (HIE) once she was taken away
  • I would guess at birth, but maybe just along the way, sooo many things!
  • Around diagnosis, at his first seizure
  • Before child’s birth and then continued at her birth, NICU admission, heart failure, and chronic medical problems that ensued. It peaked when medical professionals accused us of making our child ill and reported us to state child protective services. Thankfully, their claims were quickly thrown out as invalid, but it amplified the PTSD.
  • Before birth, NICU and subsequent surgeries and diagnosis
  • At birth
Question #6 What is your child’s special needs diagnosis? The diagnosis ran the gamut from conditions caused by birth trauma, congenital abnormalities that required medical treatment or surgery at birth and a NICU stay, autism, epilepsy, developmental delays, RAD, and mental illness.
Question #7 Are you interested in contributing a blog post to DifferentDream.com’s upcoming series about special needs parents and PTSD? Of the 47 people who answered this question, 25 said yes. If you’re one of those people, thank you for your willingness to share your story. And watch your inbox for an email very soon about what to do next. Did the Survey Results Surprise You? Here’s what surprised me about these results….the number of parents dealing with PTSD for a long period of time without treatment or support. This makes me very sad because treatment is available and effective. So in addition to the stories survey participants will be contributing to this series, considerable time will be devoted to effective treatments and how to locate them. So, did the survey results blow you away? Leave a comment about your reaction in the box below. Thanks!
Part 1: Special Needs Parents and PTSD Results Part 2: Special Needs Parents and PTSD–What About You Mom?
Part 3: PTSD in Parents–6 Ways to Deal with Adrenal Fatigue
Part 4: 8 Truths about PTSD in Parents of Kids with Special Needs Part 5: PTSD in Parents–Moving from Negative to Positive
Part 6: PTSD and Special Needs Parents: 5 Ways to Prepare for Healing Part 7: PTSD in Parents of Kids with Special Needs: Visualization as a Coping Tool Part 8: Newborns Feel Pain: The Headline that Almost Triggered My PTSD
Part 9: Why Special Needs Parents with PTSD Should Watch Inside Out Part 10: Why Kids with PTSD Need Mentally Healthy Parents Part 11: PTSD and Special Needs Parents: Calling it Like It Is
Part 12: The Unseen Battle with PTSD
Part 13: Medically-Induced PTSD
  Do you like what you see at DifferentDream.com? You can receive more great content by subscribing to the quarterly Different Dream newsletter and signing up for the daily RSS feed delivered to your email inbox. You can sign up for the first in the pop up box and the second at the bottom of this page.

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Jolene Philo is the author of the Different Dream series for parents of kids with special needs. She speaks at parenting and special needs conferences around the country. She’s also the creator and host of the Different Dream website. Sharing Love Abundantly With Special Needs Families: The 5 Love Languages® for Parents Raising Children with Disabilities, which she co-authored with Dr. Gary Chapman, was released in August of 2019 and is available at local bookstores, their bookstore website, and at Amazon.

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Stress, PTSD, and Parents of Kids with Special Needs

Stress, PTSD, and Parents of Kids with Special Needs

by | Feb 20, 2015 | Different Dream, In Parents, PTSD

Stress, PTSD, and Parents of Kids with Special Needs

 Photo Credit: satit_srihin at www.freedigitalphotos.net

Recent studies have shown that parents of kids with special needs are at a greater risk of developing Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) than are parents of typical kids. Over the next weeks, Different Dream will address the subject of PTSD and parents of kids with special needs. In today’s post guest blogger, Dr. Liz Matheis offers information and advice to parents who suspect they have PTSD about how to manage day to day.

Stress, PTSD and Parents of Kids with Special Needs

As a professional, the initial phone call comes with a focus on the child with Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD). However, I have often asked during our first appointment, “How are you, as the parent, doing?” Several parents have looked at me somewhat crooked and have said either, “Fine,” or “No one has ever asked me how I’m doing.” As a parent of a child with ASD, the process of gaining a diagnosis and then living and treating can be overwhelming and often traumatizing. With that said, it is safe to say that many parents of children with ASD are suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).

What Is PTSD and What Are the Signs?

PTSD is an anxiety-based disorder that occurs when a person has experienced trauma, witnessed trauma, has been exposed to the details of a traumatic event experienced by another person, or by repeated exposure to trauma, such as a trauma professional. Signs and symptoms include flashbacks, nightmares, inability to concentrate, prolonged distress, and physiological reactivity (that is jumpy or hyper-vigilant).

How Does a Parent Develop PTSD?

For the parent of a child with ASD, the initial trauma comes from realizing that ‘something isn’t right’ with her child, researching, and ultimately gaining the diagnosis. This trauma is perpetuated when a parent begins to mourn and grieve the loss of the child that he thought he would have. The next phase is gaining treatment and not being entirely sure how it will work and what the outcome will be. Then, adolescence hits and some children with ASD become aggressive. Some kids have been aggressive all along. As a result, parents are left defending themselves, hiding bruises, and staying at home so that ‘no one else’ can witness the physical aggression. This becomes even more complicated when there are other children in the home who parents struggle to give attention, nurturance and time to but can’t because taking care of a child with ASD can sometimes be a 24 hour job.

Raising a child with ASD can also take a toll on a marriage. Parents are left to care with little time for themselves as a couple. Finding someone else to care for the child is difficult. That caretaker or babysitter needs to be trained and be okay with some physical aggression and meltdowns. And the icing on the cake is that some families become one income households so that one parent can take care of the multiple needs and therapies for the child with ASD, meaning that money can be tight, which is another source of distress for parents. Sometimes the marriage doesn’t survive.

Parents are also left anticipating what might trigger their child and are constantly accommodating and modifying the environment to help their child to stay calm or regulated. As children with ASD get older, some parents of children who are aggressive have to make a very tough decision about whether or not to find a residential program.

Throughout this process that takes place over years and years, parents become burned out, distressed, anxious, depressed and sometimes even feel hopeless and helpless.

How to Gain Help for PTSD

For those families that are eligible, finding community and state-based resources such as Division of Developmental Disabilities (DDD) which can offer respite care. That is, for a few hours per month, a DDD representative will take care of the child with ASD so that parents can have a break. (To find the DDD in your state, do an internet search with the terms “division of developmental disabilities” and the name of your state.)

For parents who feel distressed, seek help. Consult with a psychologist to help you process your emotions and your experience, and offer you support throughout your journey. If feelings of nervousness or sadness become overwhelming, it is okay to consult with a psychiatrist for anti-anxiety or anti-depressant medication. It is okay for parents to seek help for themselves instead of maintaining a 100% focus on their child with ASD.
If your child’s school offers parent support groups, participate in them. Talk to the other parents who are also experiencing the same types of stressors and emotions. Find solace in each other. Have play dates with each other. Offer respite to each other.

Your Experience with PTSD and Parents of Kids with Special Needs?

If you have advice for stressed-out parents of kids with special needs or if you think you have PTSD, leave a comment in the box below. You can also contact me via email using this form.

PS: If you like what you find at DifferentDream.com, can subscribe to the RSS feed and the quarterly newsletter in the boxes at the top, right corner of this page.

 

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Dr. Liz Matheis is a clinical psychologist and school psychologist in Parsippany, NJ. She offers support, assessments, and advocacy for children who are managing Autism Spectrum Disorders, ADHD, learning disabilities, and behavioral difficulties, as well as their families. She is also a contributor to several popular magazines. Visit www.psychedconsult.com for more information.

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PTSD and Nursing Moms

PTSD and Nursing Moms

by | Aug 20, 2014 | Different Dream, In Parents, PTSD

PTSD and Nursing Moms

 Photo Credit: tungphoto at www.freedigitalphotos.net

Hello, Different Dream readers! Welcome to a guest post from my good friends and fellow PTSD advocates, Shelly Beach and Wanda Sanchez. This post about PTSD and nursing mothers first appeared at their blog, PTSD Perspectives. It addresses many issues of importance to the special needs community, so I was delighted when Beach and Sanchez gave permission to repost it here. 

PTSD and Nursing Moms

Most expectant and new mothers envision nursing to be the ultimate bonding experience with their child. Unfortunately, this isn’t always the case. Sadly, post-traumatic stress disorder can be a contributing factor, and women may not be aware of the cause-and-effect relationship in order to be able to best address their frustrations. I recently spoke to several young mothers who talked candidly about how trauma influenced their ability to bond with their newborn babies. None of these women were prepared for the challenges they faced, and they basically had to figure out on their own that their post-traumatic stress had contributed to their struggles.

PTSD and Nursing Moms: NICU Trauma

One of the mothers I spoke to gave birth vaginally, and her newborn girl experienced medical complications that placed her in the neonatal intensive care unit for nearly two weeks. During this time, both Mom and baby experienced high levels of stress and anxiety, due to the separation, limited bonding time, and painful medical procedures. Because of the anxiety and separation, Mom’s lactation diminished, and her attempts to maintain her milk supply were frustrating.  After taking her little girl home from the hospital after a highly stressful two-week stay, Mom attempted nursing for two more weeks, but her child struggled to latch and preferred a bottle. At four weeks, Mom gave up and was overwhelmed with guilt at her “failure.” Two years later, Baby #2 came along, and Mom struggled with anxiety at the thought of nursing. Her stress made it difficult for her to relax enough for her milk to let down when she attempted to nurse, and after a week, she decided that bottle feeding would be the best choice for Baby.

PTSD and Nursing Moms : Previous Trauma

A second mother I spoke two had experienced multiple sexual assaults as a teenager. In her mid-twenties she married a supportive, loving husband, and several years later she gave birth to their first child. However, “Sue” was guilt-ridden and heartbroken to discover that nursing her child was a trauma trigger. For weeks she struggled to be a “good” mom and breast-feed her child but found that the only way she could successfully nurse her child was to dissociate. A desire to be a “good” mom like other moms drove her to continue nursing for months, even though she felt it was affecting her ability to bond with her baby. When “Sue’s” second child was born, she made the decision to bottle feed. She told me that she has never regretted that choice and wished she ‘d had a better understanding of how PTSD could influence a woman’s nursing experience before she’d given birth to her first child.

PTSD and Nursing Moms: How to Find Help

Twenty-five percent of women experience sexual abuse in their lifetime–many before the birth of their first child. It’s important for women to know how their trauma experiences may influence aspects of their lives so they can make the best choices for their circumstances. If you or someone you know can relate to the challenges of nursing your child because of a prior trauma experience:

  • Talk to a trauma specialists who can offer you suggestions about how to process your experience.
  • Accept the simple truth that breast feeding does not define good mothering.
  • Find other mothers who bottle fed their kids to lean on for support.
  • Release the false guilt.
  • Talk about your situation with someone who will understand and support you.
  • Seek out treatment or support if you’re experiencing depression.

 

More PTSD Perspectives

Did PTSD impact your ability to nurse your babies? How did you deal with the situation? Leave a comment, if you like, in the box below. To learn more about the work Shelly and Wanda do, visit their website, PTSD Perspectives.

Do you like what you see at DifferentDream.com? You can receive more great content by subscribing to the quarterly Different Dream newsletter and signing up for the daily RSS feed delivered to your email inbox. You can sign up for the first in the pop up box and the second at the bottom of this page.

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Shelly Beach is an award-winning author of eight books, including The Silent Seduction of Self Talk. She has written with a Pulitzer Prize Finalist and New York Times best-selling authors, as well as providing writing and consulting services for a producer of a recently-launched Lifetime television reality series. Shelly is the co-founder of two writers’ conferences and an adjunct professor at Cornerstone University. She is also a sexual abuse survivor who speaks to medical and mental health professionals at conferences, seminars, and in the nation’s prisons. Shelly is also an “expert” consultant for Caring.com, the Internet’s most frequently consulted site on caregiving issues. Shelly can be reached at Shelly@PTSDPerspectives.org or www.ShellyBeachOnline.com.

By Wanda Sanchez 

Wanda Sanchez is the executive producer of one of the nation’s top talk shows in a highly-ranked California market. She has worked with the world’s top political leaders, as well as Hollywood personalities, New York Times best-selling authors, and top-ranked cultural analysts. She has also worked as a television producer and is the founder and president of her own publicity firm, representing authors and speakers. A sexual abuse survivor who has experienced a journey of dramatic healing from post-traumatic stress disorder, Wanda speaks to medical and mental health professionals in conferences, seminars, as well as to women in the nation’s prisons. She can be reached at Wanda@PTSDPerspectives.org.

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10 Truths Learned about Trauma

10 Truths Learned about Trauma

by | May 2, 2014 | Different Dream, In Parents, PTSD

10 Truths Learned about Trauma

Photo Credit: smarttiw at www.freedigitalphotos.net

Trauma impacts lives.  Whatever time of life a person is traumatized—as an infant, child, teen, or adult—life is never the same. A post at Sojourners by Catherine Woodiwiss explains ten ways trauma can change a life. What she has to say speaks volumes to caregiving parents who are dealing with grief.

10 Truths about Trauma

  1. Trauma permanently changes us. There is no such thing as getting over it. But it’s not wholly negative. Healing from trauma leads to new strength and joy.
  2. Presence is always better than distance. To suffer through trauma alone is unbearable. If someone says they need space, respect their wish. Otherwise be present.
  3. Healing is cyclical, not linear. Recovery takes a long, long time. Expect to cycle through stages of grief often.
  4. To survive trauma a person needs friends who are “firefighters” and “builders.” Surviving trauma requires at least two types of people on a crisis team: friends who can drop everything and jump into the fray and others who are calm and give steady care.
  5. Grieving is social, and so is healing. We are wired for contact. Only through relationship that we can be most fully healed. Seeking out one another requires courage. Start by giving shelter to others.
  6. Do not offer platitudes or comparisons. We offer assurances when we don’t know what else to say. But they often sting as clueless, careless, or just plain false. What we need are friends who sit beside us and let it be terrible.
  7. Allow those suffering to tell their own stories. Give a person struggling with trauma dignity to discover and own it.
  8. Love shows up in unexpected ways. Ultimately every gesture of love, regardless of the sender, becomes a step along the way to healing. It may not look like what was expected, but surprise love will be the sweetest.
  9. Whatever doesn’t kill you …almost kills you. Some days you feel like a quivering, cowardly shell. This is a fight to be won over and over again.
  10. … Doesn’t kill you. You learn resilience to sustain you in other crises. It may make you stronger…or not.

Woodiwiss writes with conviction and beauty. For more of her insights, read the entire post at A New Normal: Ten Things I’ve Learned About Trauma.

How Has Trauma Changed You?

Have you been changed by trauma and the grief that accompanies it? What would you add to Catherine’s list? Share your insights in the comment box.

Do you like what you see at DifferentDream.com? You can receive more great content by subscribing to the quarterly Different Dream newsletter and signing up for the daily RSS feed delivered to your email inbox. You can sign up for the first in the pop-up box and the second at the bottom of this page.

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Jolene Philo is the author of the Different Dream series for parents of kids with special needs. She speaks at parenting and special needs conferences around the country. She’s also the creator and host of the Different Dream website. Sharing Love Abundantly With Special Needs Families: The 5 Love Languages® for Parents Raising Children with Disabilities, which she co-authored with Dr. Gary Chapman, was released in August of 2019 and is available at local bookstores, their bookstore website, and at Amazon. The first book in her cozy mystery series, See Jane Run!, features people with disabilities and will be released in June of 2022.

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Stress and How Parents of Kids with Special Needs Handle It

Stress and How Parents of Kids with Special Needs Handle It

by | Nov 27, 2012 | Different Dream, In Parents, PTSD

Stress and How Parents of Kids with Special Needs Handle It

Stress is a component of the parenting process. The stress is often compounded for parents of children with special needs. A featured post at Julia Robert’s blog Support for Special Needs recently addressed the subject.

Overwhelming Stress

The post was written by Robert Rummel-Hudson, father of a daughter with special needs. (He also blogs at Fighting Monsters with Rubber Swords—a great title for a special needs parenting blog.) In the post, he talks about Veronica Galbraith, “a single mother of a teenaged boy with Autism in the UK  who committed suicide after she was compelled to put her son into care when she found herself unable to cope with his behavioral issues.”

External Stress of Caring for a Child with Special Needs

He goes on to analyze the external and internal stresses Veronica and every parent caring for a child with special needs faces. He says, “These external stressors aren’t mitigating circumstances. They aren’t beside the point. They ARE the point…We don’t spend every minute of every day dealing with disability challenges, but because those challenges are omnipresent, we are always special needs parents, regardless of whether the monster is driving at that particular moment or not.”

Stress You Can’t Handle

He conclude the article with this observation:

When I read the story of someone like Veronica Galbraith, I don’t wonder if she got it wrong more than she got it right, but rather if she BELIEVED she got it wrong too much. And I realize, and remind myself when necessary, that the secret to successful parenting isn’t just about educating yourself, or listening closely to what your kids are trying to tell you, or fighting the good fight like a steely-eyed warrior. Those are vital points, to be sure. But none of that happens if you lose heart, or if you convince yourself that you really can’t show up for work the next morning.

There’s a saying that every special needs parent has heard at some point, rivaling the Holland Thing for frequency of appearance in our inbox. “God never gives you more than you can handle.” But we know better. Sometimes he does.

The article is thought-provoking and worth a thorough read. So buzz on over to Support for Special Needs for a closer look.

How Do You Handle the Stress You Can’t Handle?

The post made me thankful for the support system around us when our son was very sick, and it makes me thankful for my faith, too. Because I agree with Rummel-Hudson. God does give people more than they can handle. But my faith says he doesn’t want them to commit suicide. He wants them to see their need for him and trust him to handle it.

That’s how I got through the dark days and years with our son. How about you? How do you handle the stress you can’t handle? What support do you need? Leave a comment.

Do you like what you see at DifferentDream.com? You can receive more great content by subscribing to the quarterly Different Dream newsletter and signing up for the daily RSS feed delivered to your email inbox. You can sign up for the first in the pop-up box and the second at the bottom of this page.

Photo by Jeremy Bishop on Unsplash

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Jolene Philo is the author of several books for the caregiving community. She speaks at parenting and special needs conferences around the country. Sharing Love Abundantly with Special Needs Families: The 5 Love Languages® for Parents Raising Children with Disabilities, which she co-authored with Dr. Gary Chapman, was released in August of 2019 and is available at local bookstores, their bookstore website, and Amazon. See Jane Dance!, the third book in the West River cozy mystery series, which features characters affected by disability, was released in October of 2023.

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