Self Care for the Caregiver

Self Care for the Caregiver

by | Sep 29, 2011 | Different Dream, In Parents, PTSD

For guest blogger Rebekah Benimoff and her family, successful outings require a little extra planning. She relearned the importance of self care for the caregiver during a recent visit to a crowded restaurant, as he guest post shows.

Self Care for the Caregiver: Braving the Crowds

Braving the crowds on a holiday with two wiggly boys and a husband with PTSD is not my idea of fun. Yet recently family came into town and wanted to take us to dinner. Months had passed since our last foray into the world of crowded restaurants, when Roger had left after five minutes. We’d scratched our date night and gone home. Roger hibernated in the bedroom to recover, and I had sandwiches with the kids. So I had legitimate concerns about trying again– but Roger wanted to go out, despite my hesitation.

PTSD Concerns

The restaurant was not as bad as I’d expected, but the kids were cranky and Roger had to wait outside to avoid the groups coming in and out. Blaine was flopping all over me, complaining he did not want to be there either. Tyler borrowed my iPhone only to have it taken away because he kept blaring music, way too loud- so he could hear it over the din of the crowd (he has trouble discriminating sounds in loud places).

Eventually our group was called and Roger crammed into the booth, back to the wall.  I could tell he was uncomfortable, but years of being in the middle of a war zone have caused hyper-vigilance. He can’t sit by a window, and he has to be in a strategic position and see all areas of the room, to have a way of escape.

Sensory Disorder & Diabetes Concerns

I pulled the kiddos onto my side and endured the pummeling that comes from a child with a sensory disorder who needs constant stimulation via bumping into me.  As his brother often complains, our youngest has no understanding of “personal space”. When Tyler started yelling out his order, I thought we were going lose Roger, but he surprised me by not darting out the door.  Through the meal, Roger coped by wearing headphones to keep from becoming overwhelmed by the movement and clamor at our table alone– not to mention the rest of the place.  I tried to enjoy my meal quickly, calculate the insulin to carb ratio with Tyler, and help him talk at a normal volume despite the noise in the restaurant.

Self Care for the Caregiver Techniques

We usually avoid this kind of stress, but occasionally I find myself doing my best to make it through the moment. And I have found that no matter how much we plan, and no matter how often I say “no”, sometimes I end up in places I cannot handle on my own.  And after a situation like this one, I want to go home and bury myself under the covers.

I take care of my family in ways that not everyone can relate to. Over time I have learned that part of taking care of my family involves taking care of me. This particular time, I agreed to go out, but I also arranged for “down time” afterwards—so I could recover. I’ve found that I take much better care of the ones I love if I am making sure my needs are met. Like the oxygen mask in the airplane—you have to put yours on before you can help someone else. And we need more than a breath every now and then. We need the steady supply that keeps us well.

This takes planning and communicating. Most especially it takes knowing what I can and cannot do, and prioritizing. Not everyone understands, but the reality is they do not have to. Self care for the care giver is vital- no matter what anyone else thinks. I have to do what is best for my family- it’s that simple.

How About You?

Rebekah has developed self-care techniques that work for her. Perhaps you have techniques that work for you, too. If so, we’d love to hear them and perhaps try them out. So if you please, leave a comment about your self-care for the caregiver techniques.

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4 Ways to Combat Special Needs Parenting Stress

4 Ways to Combat Special Needs Parenting Stress

by | Jul 25, 2011 | Different Dream, In Parents, PTSD

4 Ways to Combat Special Needs Parenting Stress

Special needs parenting stress is a reality. This post from Laurie Wallin offers 4 ways to combat special needs parenting stress. See what you think.

4 Ways to Combat Special Needs Parenting Stress

I sat with jaw dropped and tears flowing down cheeks as I watched the documentary. A UCSF expert in cellular aging was explaining that special needs moms were one of the best groups in which to study the negative effects of chronic stress on the human body. Her colleague, a Stanford University researcher, confirmed this, adding that for every one year of chronological age, special needs moms experience on average six years of cellular aging.

As I stared at the documentary on the screen, the full gambit of grief pulsed through my body—denial, anger, depression, bargaining—everything but acceptance, that elusive stage of grief that I wish I could grab hold of more often in this parenting journey.

My husband simply reached over and held my hand when he realized our little movie night had been ambushed by reality. Of course, choosing National Geographic’s documentary, Stress: Portrait of a Killers was, in hindsight, a stupid choice for some quality hubby snuggle time. But I gravitate to topics like that because deep down I’ve always known this job of special needs parent is intense, and that the intensity has to be affecting me over time. How can constant, high-level, hyper-vigilant care of another human being NOT do that to us?

Friends, this is one of the hardest things we face as special needs parents: stress.

But there are some things we can do to fight special needs parenting stress. Things that protect us from this radical aging in our cells due to the intensity of our caregiving lives.

Forgiveness

Forgiveness is letting go. Not forgetting, but loosening our grip on what we feel has wronged us. We forgive so WE can be free of the negative emotions that come with hurt in life. The careless comments of other parents at the supermarket. The casual way a doctor or specialist disregards our input about our child. The school’s neglecting provisions in an IEP. The ways we feel left out in our extended families or communities. Whatever the hurt—whether intentional or accidental—when we let go and allow life to deal with that person or situation so we can move on, we combat stress’s negative effects on us.

Time to Recharge

Nobody can give care constantly, daily, yearly, for a lifetime… without a break. Even health care professionals work in shifts. However we are able, we’ve got to plan regular COMPLETE breaks. Times when we relax, be in charge of ourselves alone—with no wheelchairs, feeding tubes, medications to administer, environmental hazards to watch for. What would you do if you had a half hour to yourself? What would it take to give that gift to yourself?

Sleep

We can’t function without enough of it. So why do we try? Probably because we’re trying to get things done, to feel some sense of control in the world by controlling what our kitchen or house looks like. If you think you can manage on less that you know is healthy, then consider how often you misplace your keys, forget a commitment, or snap at your spouse.

Strong Support Network

At the end of the Stress documentary, both researchers shared hope for our stressed-out lot. There is a way that we can erase the damage. We do what you’re doing right now. We engage in community—whether online, in person, at church, in your neighborhood. By sharing what we’re going through, laughing, freaking out, crying, worrying, problem-solving, and living this together, we can actually get back years the stress has taken from us.

Connecting with and helping others can help us to mend ourselves, and maybe live longer, healthier lives.
Dr. Elizabeth Blackburn, UCSF

What will you do, today, to fight back against the stress in your life?

-Laurie

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Laurie is the mom of four daughters–two adopted with developmental delays, mood disorders, and ADHD. A former junior high teacher turned speaker and life coach, she loves to learn, laugh until their sides hurt, and help women be courageous in life.

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NICU Parents and PTSD: Could This Be You?

NICU Parents and PTSD: Could This Be You?

by | Sep 9, 2009 | Different Dream, In Parents, PTSD

NICU parents and PTSD are a combination no one wants to acknowledge. But as this post shows, the duo is alive and kicking in many, many parents.

Neonatal Intensive Care Unit (NICU) doctors and nurses know that a stay in NICU can lead to post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) in preemies. But a recent study shows that a NICU parents are at risk of developing PTSD, too.

NICU Babies and PTSD

Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) can occur after someone sees or experiences a traumatic event involving the threat of injury or death. With that definition in mind, it’s not hard to understand why small children who have undergone serious medical treatment develop PTSD. This response in young children is well-documented. Most large hospitals have rained therapists, known as child life specialists, who help kids overcome and avoid PTSD.

NICU Parents and PTSD

But, according to Laurie Tarken’s recent article in the New York Times, parents of NICU preemies also are prone to developing PTSD. According to the article, “parents of NICU infants experience multiple traumas, beginning with the early delivery, which is often unexpected.”

The author of one study, Dr. Richard J. Shaw, an associate professor of child psychiatry at Stanford and the Lucile Packard Children’s Hospital says, “The second trauma is seeing their own infant having traumatic medical procedures and life-threatening events, and also witnessing other infants going through similar experiences.”

“And third, they often are given serial bad news,” he continued. “The bad news keeps coming. It’s different from a car accident or an assault or rape, where you get a single trauma and it’s over and you have to deal with it. With a preemie every time you see your baby the experience comes up again.”

What About You?

If you want to know more about PTSD in NICU parents, lick on this link, For Parents on NICU, Trauma May Last, to access the entire article. You have to register to become an online New York Times subscriber, but it’s free and the piece is well worth the read.

For me, the article explained a comment made by the therapist who recently treated our son’s PTSD, which was caused by early medical trauma. (Child life specialists weren’t readily available way back in 1982 when he was born and spent three weeks in NICU.)  On the last day of Allen’s successful treatment, the kindly therapist looked at me and asked, “What about you, Mom?”

I didn’t understand why he asked the question at the time, but now I do. He realized that I had suffered trauma, too. His simple, caring question validated emotions I’d hidden for years. His words were healing balm to my soul.

Now I want to pass the balm on to you in case you need healing, too: Moms and Dads of NICU kids, what about you?

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