Would Someone Be Friends with My Autistic Child?

by jphilo | Feb 16, 2021 | Different Dream, Special Needs Parenting

Would Someone Be Friends with My Autistic Child?

The viral story of a young autistic boy who recently asked his parents a similar question led Mark Arnold to ask the same about his son, James. In today’s post, Mark shares the answer he found.
Our son James has autism, a learning disability and epilepsy. He’s never had the kind of friendships that most children and young people have. He’s never had friends round to the house or gone to someone else’s house. He stopped being invited to children’s parties when he was about six or seven.
When James was unable to leave the house due to severe anxiety, no friends visited him. Nobody called. It’s been a similar story during the COVID-19 lockdowns.

But is that the full story? Would someone be friends with my autistic child if they knew him? Are there already young people who like my son James?

I remember that once James was able to go out again, one of the first places we visited was the farm shop where he loves to go. They sell things that James enjoys, and it is also a safe place for James. Many of the staff are kind to him. They know him by name, ask him how he is doing, and don’t mind if he eats what he has chosen before we pay for it! But are they his friends?
I remember how when James was at church, people interacted with him. They asked how he was doing, cared for him. But these lovely people are all adults. None of them are his age. None of them are what might be understood as friends.

I remember when James was about to start re-engaging in school through short visits. The weekend before his first visit I bumped into Brendan, a student in his class, and his mum at the supermarket. When I mentioned that we were bringing James in for a school visit the following week, Brendan literally jumped for joy. He and kept repeating James’ name and was delighted to see James again!
When James is back at school regularly, three short days a week, he interacts with other students. Arya is one of them who regularly asks about James and seems genuinely pleased to see him. Maybe James does have some friends of his own age after all.

The viral story of a young autistic boy who asked his parents if he would ever have friends brought attention to the often lonely world of children and young people with autism. Perhaps this post will help us ask a question to help all children be included: What can I do today to make a difference for someone I know?

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Mark Arnold is the Additional Needs Ministry Director at Urban Saints, a leading national Christian children’s and youth organization. He is co-founder of the Additional Needs Alliance, a national and international advocate for children and young people with additional needs or disabilities. Mark is a Churches for All and Living Fully Network partner, a member of the Council for Disabled Children and the European Disability Network. He writes an additional needs column for Premier Youth and Children’s Work (YCW) magazine and blogs at The Additional Needs Blogfather. He is father to James, who has autism spectrum condition, associated learning disability, and epilepsy. To find out more about how Mark’s work can help you, contact him at: marnold@urbansaints.org or @Mark_J_Arnold.

Author Jolene Philo

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2 Mental Health Red Flags for Caregiving Parents

2 mental health red flags for caregiving parents? Are you kidding me? I’m waving at least a dozen red flags every day!

That would have been my reaction to the title of this post when I was in the thick of caring for a medically-fragile kid. In fact, that would have been my reaction as recently as a month ago. But I had a lightbulb moment between then and now.

The lightbulb moment came while I facilitated a class for teachers about post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) in kids. We were discussing childhood symptoms, also known as behaviors, displayed by traumatized children. The class members wanted to know what kinds of behaviors are indicators that the trauma has evolved into PTSD.

“It’s not so much the kind of behavior,” I explained, “because most kids display these kinds behaviors at one time or another. Red flag indicators for me are the intensity and duration of the behavior. An example would be what happens after telling 2-year-olds they can’t have a cookie. More than likely, a 2-year-old will throw a tantrum. However, 2-year-olds living with unresolved trauma and PTSD will pitch magnificent fits that are long and loud. That’s intensity.

Similar tantrums continue to occur whenever these 2-year-olds are denied anything long after the child should have moved past the terrible 2s. That’s duration.”

The words had barely come out of my mouth before the lightbulb turned on: Intensity and duration of behaviors can be 2 mental health red flags for caregiving parents, too.

I mean, let’s face it. Parents raising kids with special needs and disabilities face plenty of attacks on their mental health, including traumatic stress. Such as thee stress of overwhelming, unrelenting caregiving demands. The trauma of sending a child off to surgery or hearing the heart monitor flatline. The stress of trying to manage unmanageable behaviors. The trauma of a receiving a difficult diagnosis.

To read the rest of 2 Mental Health Red Flags for Caregiving Parents, visit the Hope Anew website.

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Jolene Philo is the author of the Different Dream series for parents of kids with special needs. She speaks at parenting and special needs conferences around the country. She’s also the creator and host of the Different Dream website. Sharing Love Abundantly With Special Needs Families: The 5 Love Languages® for Parents Raising Children with Disabilities, which she co-authored with Dr. Gary Chapman, was released in August of 2019 and is available at local bookstores, their bookstore website, and at Amazon.