by jphilo | Oct 27, 2011 | Different Dream, Self-Care and Stress, Special Needs Parenting
Guest blogger Rebekah Benimoff is meeting herself coming and going these days. In the midst of all the busyness, she’s discovered two words that make life a little easier. Read on to discover what they are.
Thank You: Two Powerful Words
It’s officially fall, but some days still seems like summer. We have survived the first weeks of school, and life is becoming calmer now that most of the paperwork is in place. I say most because Tyler’s diabetes care plan changes weekly, but things are more settled than they were a month ago.
Having two kids with special issues means that at times, I run like a slightly crazed chicken from one thing to the next. Meetings, groceries, special diet needs. Phone calls from the nurse, visits to the nurse’s office. Daily. Hourly, even.
Off to Sprouts for gluten free school friendly snacks. Back to the nurse’s office. Log a teeny bit of time at work (I work from home), and then back to the nurse’s office. Stop in the hall to chat with the school counselor. Go into her office for an hour to plan for 504 meetings and ARDs. Have I mentioned the school nurse? The first month of school is always a whirlwind for me, despite the realization this year that all does not need to be perfect the first day (or in the first weeks). A little bit of perspective in the madness. This week I have had time to just breathe.
Today I took a much needed walked through the nearby neighborhoods, enjoying the cool autumn-like breeze blowing through the tree lined streets. It is so pretty here. Tall trees stretch to the clear mid-morning sky, some higher than the two story homes. I love the trees that have flowers of white and pink blooms, and my favorite are the hot pink blossoms that I can see a block away. I savor the mornings when I can get OUTSIDE and draw near to the Lord through His creation… I get swept up in His beautiful works, even here in suburbia.
I was able to log some hours at work today, uninterrupted for the first time in months. I work for a non-profit organization that helps wounded warriors in a myriad of life saving, and family saving ways. I work with the partner appreciation program and a great perk of my job (besides being able to work from home and be available for my kids, and the school nurse you keep hearing about) is that I get to call and thank people who have selflessly given to the organization. Then I get to tell them how this very same organization helped our family after my husband had to get out of the Army because of a brain injury most commonly known as PTSD. It occasionally tricky to convince the donors I am not calling to ask for MORE money. Then there are the days like today, when more than one caller was so touched she was brought to tears of … gratefulness… because I simply said Thank You. Two simple little words that we often do not hear much of. Particularly those of us with the distinctive role of caregiver.
This gets me to thinking, how often do I say thank you? To my mom who helps me out tremendously with my boys, and loves taking them home with her for the weekend so I can catch my breath. To my husband, who, no matter how rough of a day he is having, takes care of the trash, and numerous other jobs that require the heavy lifting I can’t do. To the school personnel who take care of my children, and, especially, to God who has given me so much that when I stop and ponder, the magnitude takes my breath away.
This morning I took a moment to say thank you to my husband, for all the things he does to take care of our family. He was encouraged… it really meant a lot to him, and we are closer for it. It’s easy to get caught up in a hectic schedule but if we can step out of the vortex long enough to say thank you, well, today I learned that two little words go a long, long way.
What Powerful Words Have You Discovered?
Now you know the words that make Rebekah’s life easier. Maybe you’ve discovered some words that make life easier for you. If so, share them in the comment box. As parents of kids with special needs, we need all the power we can get!
Do you like what you see at DifferentDream.com? You can receive more great content by subscribing to the quarterly Different Dream newsletter and signing up for the daily RSS feed delivered to your email inbox. You can sign up for the first in the pop up box and the second at the bottom of this page.
by jphilo | Sep 2, 2011 | Different Dream, Self-Care and Stress, Special Needs Parenting
Laurie Wallin: 6 Tips for Overcoming Fear
Laurie Wallin is back with common sense advice for moms about overcoming fear. In today’s post, she helps moms like us face the fears that accompany doing life with a child who has special needs.
6 Tips for Overcoming Fear
As moms, we don’t have time to be afraid. When something stirs fear in relationships, parenting, jobs, or health, it’s immediately bulldozed by diapers, carpools, doctor appointments, medications to administer, and spills to clean. If the fear has weight, it comes back later, just as you’re falling asleep. You start to feel your own heart again for the first time all day. Then your husband nuzzles up to you and, well, you know….
Life doesn’t make it easy, but we still need to care for ourselves when we’re afraid. Wouldn’t it be nice if we could fight our fears with greater courage, especially in those inconvenient moments? The good news is this:
“Courage is being scared to death… and saddling up anyway.” ~John Wayne
Here are some tools we can use to be courageous, even when our fears creep in:
Name Your Fear
Say your fear out loud. As soon as you say it, its days are numbered. We fear most those things we can’t explain or verbalize. Describing it gives it boundaries and often makes it much more manageable.
Turn and Face It
Jerry Sittser, a professor at Whitworth, lost his wife, mother, and young daughter in a tragic automobile accident. His grief led to intense depression as he tried to run from the darkness he faced and the fears it brought with it. His sister gave him what he describes as the best advice he had in that season. She said, “the quickest way for anyone to reach the sun and the light of day is not to run west, chasing after the setting sun but to head east, plunging into the darkness until one comes to sunrise.” (from page 56 of When Your Rope Breaks; Zondervan, 2009)
Exaggerate It
Sometimes letting our minds “go there” can take the sting out of what we fear. I use this one for public speaking anxiety. Before I approach the mike, I imagine the talk being so awful that the audience throws food at me and rushes the stage to toss me out. Creating a caricature like that of our fear helps put it back in perspective so we can move on.
Remember It’s Just a Feeling
Just like any other emotion we feel, to be afraid is a regular, normal part of life. Getting anxious or being afraid of feeling scared—of letting yourself feel what you feel—does the opposite of what you want. Just ask yourself: “When was the last time I actually died from having a feeling?” Don’t give fears special treatment just because they’re “scarier” than the other things you feel.
Stay in This Moment
Right now is all you’ve got. Many challenging things MAY happen in the next few weeks or months. But they also may not. So let’s remember these words and stay in the here and now:
“The best thing about the future is that it comes only one day at a time” ~Abraham Lincoln
“Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” ~ Jesus
Give It a Reality Check
Handle fear of the future by reminding it of the victories in the past and the promises God’s given you. This helps me every day with my kids. When one of my daughters with behavioral special needs is screaming on the floor, I remind myself of the fact that she wasn’t doing that just minutes before. Which means she did stop the last tantrum at some point! Scripture promises, “This same God who takes care of me will supply all your needs from his glorious riches… in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 4:19). The word “needs” means not just necessities, but everything that concerns you. How can fear stand up to that truth?
In courage,
~Laurie
How Are You Overcoming Fear?
Laurie’s posts always amaze me. She takes the fears I wrestle with and turns them into something much easier to handle. Do you have something to add to Laurie’s list? How do you handle your fears? Leave a comment to share your best tips.
Do you like what you see at DifferentDream.com? You can receive more great content by subscribing to the quarterly Different Dream newsletter and signing up for the daily RSS feed delivered to your email inbox. You can sign up for the first in the pop up box and the second at the bottom of this page.
Laurie is the mom of four daughters–two adopted with developmental delays, mood disorders, and ADHD. A former junior high teacher turned speaker and life coach, she loves to learn, laugh until their sides hurt, and help women be courageous in life.
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by jphilo | Apr 13, 2011 | Different Dream, Self-Care and Stress, Special Needs Parenting
8 Strategies for Special Needs Stress Relief
Stress and grief are the unwanted but constant companions of parents raising kids with special needs. In this post, Laurie Wallin shares eight strategies for special needs stress relief when she feels overwhelmed. The parent of four daughters, two with special needs, she knows what she’s talking about!
7 Strategies for Special Needs Stress Relief
She lost her fight with brain cancer a few weeks ago. The aunt I knew better than all my others. The one whose home meant Thanksgiving and Christmas to me. Whose wisdom got me through my first year of teaching. And whose spunk and no-nonsense attitude helped me feel okay, even if I wasn’t.
Missing her would be hard enough on its own without having to push and shove life out of the way to make space for this grief. That kind of mental space is hard to come by. Especially for parents juggling their child’s intense needs and care. But we all need mental clarity to cope well with life—to handle ups and downs, process change, and make good decisions.
Last month in Newsweek, Sharon Begley reported Temple University’s finding that the thinking, deciding part of our brains actually shuts off when we take in too much information at once and try to act on it all. We need to have some mental space. Here are some ways to do that in our information-overloaded, high-intensity world, so we can cope better when life happens.
Special Needs Stress Relief Strategy 1: Empty Your Brain
You can only interact with about 7 ideas at once—the rest go by the wayside. Unless you have a regular place to unload your thoughts. So jot them down on Macbook Stickies, a text file, notes on your smart phone, Evernote, or plain-old pen and paper. Programs like Evernote allow tagging of each note you write so you can find it again when you want it. And voice-to-text apps allow you to do this on the go.
Special Needs Stress Relief Strategy 2: Be Quiet
Find a place to sit still and do nothing. It doesn’t have to be long—10 minutes can do the trick. Just give yourself the regular gift of time to sit with life unplugged and preferably no lights or sounds… and listen to the quiet. I do this in my car because it’s really, really quiet there when it’s parked!
Special Needs Stress Relief Strategy 3: Doodle
Begley’s article reminds us that our subconscious mind is where the creativity resides. Creativity doesn’t wear us out like over-thinking things does. Doodling gives our conscious mind something to do while our subconscious casually works through things we’re thinking about.
Special Needs Stress Relief Strategy 4: Pause Before Deciding
Information and scheduling overload creates mental paralysis. Begley described it this way: “The science of decision making has shown that more information can lead to objectively poorer choices, and to choices that people come to regret.” So plan time throughout the decision-making process to shut off all input and give your mind space to mull it over in its own creative way.
Special Needs Stress Relief Strategy 5: Get Enough Rest
A tired brain is a brain that wastes the space it has just trying to stay awake. A little extra sleep at night or a short nap during the day will get what you’re doing done better and more efficiently. This is especially important when we’re processing tough things like grief and loss.
Special Needs Stress Relief Strategy 6: Exercise
Exercise releases endorphins that improve mood and relieve stress so you can think better. It makes the brain more efficient so you can do more with the mental space you’ve already got. So go for a walk or take the stairs at work periodically to give your mind a boost and help you cope better with life’s challenges.
Special Needs Stress Relief Strategy 7: Listen to Music
A recent study revealed that when you listen to songs you like, it elevates mood and helps everything seem more optimistic and positive. It also serves to distract your conscious brain and allow your powerful subconscious to get in on the mental action, giving you a sense of mental space again.
Special Needs Stress Relief Strategy 8: Pray
All the best-intended strategies in the world will fail us if we go at it with our understanding alone. God can do “exceedingly, abundantly, above all that we ask or think,” so trust Him to keep His word and talk with Him about what’s on your mind.
What About You?
What helps you to have more mental space to process life? Share your ideas in the comment box below.
Do you like what you see at DifferentDream.com? You can receive more great content by subscribing to the quarterly Different Dream newsletter and signing up for the daily RSS feed delivered to your email inbox. You can sign up for the first in the pop up box and the second at the bottom of this page.
Laurie is the mom of four daughters, two adopted with developmental delays, mood disorders, and ADHD. A former junior high teacher turned speaker and life coach, she loves to learn, laugh until their sides hurt, and help women be courageous in life.
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by jphilo | Mar 15, 2011 | Different Dream, Self-Care and Stress, Special Needs Parenting
In yesterday’s post, guest blogger Amy Stout described her feelings of inadequacy as mom of a child with disabilities. Her energetic and curious daughter Kylie lives with autism, and Amy often worries about being the mother her child needs. Today, in the second part of the series, she tells how her priorities have changed Kylie entered her life.
Becoming the Mom a Child with Disabilities Needs, Part 2
It is late at night, once my girl is FINALLY asleep – at least for a few minutes, that I am able to lower my aching back to re-dress the naked Barbies, so the toy supervisor can promptly undress them and lay them out first thing the next morning. I hear things pop and creak as I bend over to put lids on markers and put them in their container. I fall to the floor to wipe up the day’s stash of glitter glue and attempt to bring some order to our pigsty.
What I Loved Way Back Then
I used to love decorating and planning the next remodel… now, I just beat myself up over how I look anything but a model, how I don’t ever “exercise” in a proper way, how I never eat a decent healthy meal, how I have lost zest and pep for the challenges (like tearing into my bathroom tile and wallpaper) that used to excite me as I planned.
What I Love Now
Is it okay that I enjoy laying on the floor to watch my girl color and sit by her on the couch to watch Barbie movies? Is it okay that my big planning project is how I can possibly pack the diaper bag and some favorite toys to get them in the car without her seeing? Is it weird that the biggest challenge in my daily life is how to navigate the living room without needing an ambulance so as not to disturb my girl’s creations? Do I need psychological attention because I take pictures of all the mischievous things she does?? We have way more Kodak moments than time outs in this house!! (Oh yes, our red letter edition Bible, penned by Kylie, WILL find its way into the family scrapbook.)
What I Will Love Tomorrow
Tomorrow, I WILL be a better mommy, my precious Kylie… once I figure out just what that is and what you need me to be! Hang in there with me precious! I love you!! I’m with you sweet baby!! I really want to be all that you need!
How Has Being the Mom of a Child with Disabilities Changed You?
I admire Amy for being transparent about her feelings. She was brave enough to put into words the feelings, fears, and experiences many of us are scared to mention. Which of them resonate with you? What would you add to the questions she asked in Part 1? And how have your priorities changed since your child became part of your life? What are your dreams for tomorrow?
Please leave a comment if you like. Maybe your transparency will help other parents realize they’re not alone. And remember, you can read more about life with Kylie at http://histreasuredprincess.blogspot.com/.
Part One
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by jphilo | Mar 14, 2011 | Different Dream, Self-Care and Stress, Special Needs Parenting
Today’s guest post by Amy Stout speaks to the sense of inadequacy common to many parents of kids with special needs. Once you read this post, you’ll realize you are in good company. Be sure to come back tomorrow for Part 2 of Amy’s post. If you have a child who keeps you up at night, you won’t want to miss it.
Becoming the Mom a Child with Disabilities Needs, Part 1
Every evening, after I have snuggled my precious baby in her bed and kissed her sweet, angelic face, I find myself vowing that on the morrow I WILL BE a better mommy! Yet, tomorrow comes and I hear myself repeating the same whispered promise to myself yet again.
I Will Never Measure Up as the Parent of a Child with Disabilities
I never measure up to the mommy I want to be. I fail miserably ALL the time. Kylie doesn’t complain now, but someday, when she finds her voice, she will.
Maybe it isn’t so much that I can’t measure up to the mommy I want to be, but maybe it is that I can’t keep up with all that needs to be done and that makes the mommy in me feel like a complete loser failure.
Does Everyone Feel Like This?
Does everyone feel this? Or do I just need special head help? I try to give myself the “pep talk” about (well, you know, the one about cleaning with toddlers being like shoveling while it’s still snowing), but it doesn’t work, I still get terrified when I hear someone at my front door. Can they just holler at me from the street or send me an email?
Yes, it is pride… shameful pride, but I know other moms can do it. They can manage their multiple children and keep their home spotless! How do they do it? Why can’t I achieve this?
Ok, so maybe my child has to be watched just a tad closer (like butter on a biscuit)… you know, like the time I was doing dishes and she decided to make her own version of the Bible with the words of our Lord in red… (yes, you guessed it, she colored an entire page of God’s Holy Word with red marker — but she stayed in the lines!! Score one for Occupational Therapy!!)
Am I Lazy?
Still…. am I lazy? Why can’t I get it all together?
I feel really tired all the time… okay, so I get a few sympathy points for the fact that my child doesn’t sleep unless medicated – heavily – and I am up all hours of the night. Forget that while I am trying to close my eyes for just a few seconds of blissful rest, my toddler is standing on my thighs to look out my bedroom window in the pitch black of the middle of the night to declare how “beeeuteeeful” the stars are (in her best princess Tiana voice, of course) and then squeals high enough to make a dog whimper, pretending to see a frog.
My house smells anything but the smell of lemon fresh cleanliness. What gives? Okay, so I may change a couple (hundred) major (Mira lax induced) poop filled diapers that smell like something dead crawled inside my daughter and refuses to come out because it has fermented in there! It is the highlight of my day to do this “meet and greet” every 15 minutes. It is even better after Kylie has jumped on our unmade beds and slid down the stairs in her cozy, warm diaper. There isn’t a potpourri scent out there that will take away that lovely smell.
What’s Wrong With Me?
I have no motivation to cook a meal… seriously… the thought makes me want to throw myself on the bed and cry… what is wrong with me??? (Oh no! people are starting to plan casseroles for my husband as they read.) I am not a bad cook! I used to love to cook, once upon a time. Once upon a time when it didn’t take me 45 minutes to coax a bite of anything down my daughter’s throat…want a cookie for dinner? Sure!! You can have anything you want sweet pea, just eat SOMETHING… a napkin or popsicle stick on the side??? (She needs roughage you know, and pickles, lemons and ice don’t cut it according to the nutritionist.) You want “red” (catsup) for breakfast?? You got it girlfriend. I hear they make that stuff from a vegetable called a tomato! (Yes, all the ghosts are out of the closet now.)
Am I Losing It?
“Is she losing it?” you all are texting to each other… probably!!
I trip a million times a day over all the architecture that Kylie has blessed our home with. It is by Jesus Christ’s great mercy that I have not broken my leg. (I am not being sacrilegious. I am dead serious.) We have markers in perfect 4 foot long lines laid out in the order of the colors of the rainbow… move one or forbid you pick it up and we have to start ALL OVER AGAIN. Only this time with that greatly desired whiny fuss we all love to hear! Every Disney princess and forest pal is lined up in perfect order – don’t you dare put themsomewhere else. “The Walt” (our precious Kylie) will know and correct you promptly. Barbies in their naked splendor lay across our living room floor – they are not allowed to have clothing on. Our home decor is not complete without the fabulous addition of glitter glue in hues of “all over the place, face and clothing,” yet it cannot touch our body or you will hear yelps of “Wipe! Wipe! Wipe!”
What Questions Do You Ask Yourself as the Mom of a Child with Disabilities?
Do any of Amy’s questions sound familiar? Or are you plagued with different questions about your perceived inadequacies? If so, tell us what they are in the comment box. Maybe we can compile a list and make a poster! And if you’d like to read more of Amy’s blog posts, visit her website at http://histreasuredprincess.blogspot.com/.
Part Two
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by jphilo | Jan 19, 2011 | Different Dream, Self-Care and Stress, Special Needs Parenting
Today’s post comes from guest blogger, Amy Stout. In it she captures her little girl’s starry-eyed delight in simple playthings. See what you think!
Pottery Barn and a Ballerina with Autism:
Twirl With Me
My daughter, Kylie’s, favorite place to play is at the Pottery Barn Kids store in one of our local malls Kylie goes immediately to the Madeline Play Vanity, sits on the little pink tuffit and admires herself in the mirror. She then finds the jewelry box display and spends the good part of an hour investigating the interior of the boxes. She opens each one slowly as though they contain a great secret. The treasure within is a beautiful, tiny ballerina that twirls in perfect time to the music.
Beautiful Ballerina with Autism
My daughter is mesmerized by these simple wooden boxes, and I silently observe as she studies the ballerina, takes a step back, places her sweet little baby arms in the same position as that of the ballerina and slowly begins to turn. I try not to make a sound as I don’t want to break the beautiful spell of the moment. My precious daughter is in a world of her own, make believing she is that sweet little ballerina. I feel tears pool in my eyes and I choke on the words that have gathered in my throat.
I realize then that we are not alone. A small group of ladies, employees and customers, have gathered. A hush falls over us and, as I glance at their faces, I realize they are feeling the same tug at their heartstrings. They, too, are taking a little walk down the memory lane of their own childhoods. When they rouse from their reverie and realize that I have noticed them, they comment on how beautiful Kylie is and how adorable she looks as she dances to the music- so innocent and oblivious to the audience that has been watching her.
This Ballerina Experiences Autism
What they don’t know is that my Kylie experiences autism They don’t know all the work, steps and conditioning it has taken to be able to even approach a mall let alone ride an escalator or elevator. What they don’t know (at least not yet) is that when I tell Kylie that it is time to go, this sweet ballerina will morph into someone entirely different – a very loud and unhappy someone. A someone who most likely will lay on the floor and scream because she cannot process why we can’t stay. She doesn’t understand what it means that the store is closing. Her communication difficulties are a barrier to expressing appropriately how she feels.
I have a decision to make. Do I take the time to explain to and educate these ladies, who are adoring my daughter, that she experiences autism so that they will understand when they see the transformation take place? or do I protect my daughter’s privacy and let them think that she is a horribly misbehaved child and that I am a terrible mother or worse that I have spoiled her and she is a naughty child. I know I’m not supposed to care about what others think, but I do – I always do.
Twirl with Me, Mommy!
Just then, Kylie catches my eye and reaches for my hand. “Twirl with me, Mommy?” she asks and how can I deny her? I gather her little fingers in mine and we twirl faster and faster. The struggle of what I know is to come falls away from me. I feel less overwhelmed. I feel like I can breathe. Kylie begins to giggle and I feel a smile tug at my lips. Now we are laughing together and this mommy is getting dizzy. We twirl and twirl and twirl! Kylie could keep spinning for much longer but, mercifully, she gives me a break. What FUN we have together! Can we freeze this moment? Do we HAVE to have a transition?
Oh, what I would give to stop the clock. Right here, right now with my baby’s hand in mine. The Autism seems so far away. I inwardly plead for more time…. I capture the memory in my heart…. I savor the moment…. I indulge…. I enjoy!
“Again! Again? Twirl Again?” she asks, with a sparkle in her eye and a giggle in her voice…
“Yes!”, I reply, “Yes! sweet Kylie, Let’s twirl again..and again…and again…”
More about a Ballerina with Autism at His Treasured Princess
For read more about Amy and Kylie, go to www.histreasuredprincess.com. You’ll also find links to Pottery Barn for Kids, the Madeline Play Vanity, and the jewelry boxes that fascinate Kylie. Makes you want to be a little girl again, doesn’t it?
Do you like what you see at DifferentDream.com? You can receive more great content by subscribing to the quarterly Different Dream newsletter and signing up for the daily RSS feed delivered to your email inbox. You can sign up for the first in the pop up box and the second at the bottom of this page.
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