The Importance of Rest for Caregivers

by jphilo | Jul 20, 2017 | Different Dream, Self-Care and Stress, Special Needs Parenting

The Importance of Rest for Caregivers

“How are you?” I ask as I enter Mom’s room.

It’s the same question I ask on each visit, and her answer is the same one she always gives. “Tired,” she says. “I’m so tired.”

I look at her with her blue eyes half-shut, wisps of unbrushed white hair, and exhausted expression. She is tired.

She is always tired.

And for good reason. From age 30 to 68, she furthered her education, taught school, and raised 3 kids while caring for an invalid husband. My memories of her are of a woman in constant motion from dawn until after supper when she would lay down on the couch while listening to her children’s endless bickering as they did dishes. Even when school was out for Christmas vacation or for the summer, she stayed busy sewing our clothes, supervising our 4-H projects, tending her garden, canning and freezing produce.

She never quit.

She rarely rested. She seldom took a vacation. Not after her kids were grown and on their own. Not after her husband went to the nursing home. Not after she retired. Not after her husband died.

Eventually, she paid the price for her lack of rest.

She was almost 80 when her mind and body began to fail her in 2008. Since then, she spends a few hours of each day in a chair reading or working crossword puzzles. But she spends most of each day in bed, sleeping or napping, soaking up the rest she eschewed for most of her life as she faithfully cared for others.

As a caregiver myself, I try to follow her example of faithful steadfastness. With one notable exception. In watching my mother fail, I have come to understand the importance of rest for caregivers. Taking time to rest not only improves the quality of life in the here and now, but also can potentially improve the quality of life as we grow older. Here are 3 simple ways I’ve learned to rest while caregiving.

Take a mental break. As an introvert, I rest best when I’m alone. So as a caregiver, I’ve found ways to be alone in a crowd. One way is to volunteer to run shopping errands while someone else holds down the fort at home. I’m alone while driving to the stores. At the store, I’m surrounded by people, but they are people who demand nothing of me. I’m in charge of no one and get the mental break I need. It. Is. Wonderful.
Take a story break. During childhood, my favorite part of school was when the teacher read aloud to us after lunch. I put my head on my desk, closed my eyes, and let her voice carry me into story land. Now, as an adult, I can enter that story land through the magic of audiobooks. I load stories onto my phone for free using The Bridges service available through our public library. Sometimes, I get audio CDs from the library, also for free. And there are plenty of other audiobook services available for a monthly subscription fee. I listen to books while cleaning and cooking and doing so is great motivation to complete tasks I try to avoid otherwise.
Take an exercise break. Even if it’s only 5 minutes, find a way to exercise every day. Get up a few minutes before the rest of the family to exercise. Park on the far side of the parking lot to walk a little more. Take the stairs instead of the elevator. Buy a kids’ yoga video and do it with your kids. Be creative and stay active. Research shows that exercise, the best way to keep your body strong, is also the most effective way to maintain your brain as you get older.

The importance of rest for caregivers can’t be overstated. With a little planning, you can add rest to your day through these 3 practices without adding more items on your to do list.

How Do You Add Rest to Your Day?

Have you discovered the importance of rest for caregivers? If so, leave a comment about how you add rest to your day in the comment box. Thanks!

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Jolene Philo is a published author, speaker, wife, and mother of a son with special needs.

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Accepting Help and Letting Go: The Dilemma of a Special Needs Parent

Accepting help and letting go are hard pills for parents of kids with special needs to swallow. As her daughter nears her 20th birthday, guest blogger Karen Jackson reflects upon what she’s learned about accepting help and letting go. Her struggle is a universal one, so expect to see yourself in what Karen has to say.

Accepting Help and Letting Go

Accepting Help

Accepting help. It has never been my strong suit. I am pretty sure that I know the best way to care for my daughter and what works well for her. Yet, it is not only a blessing to have caregiving help for Samantha. It is also good for her to have others in her life to push her towards independence and provide new ideas and experiences.

Parents of children with special needs are fiercely strong advocates, used to doing whatever it takes for kids. We are often hyper-vigilant, and we function on less sleep that most. We balance family, work, therapy, numerous medical appointments, and medications. We have been doing this for years and years and years!

So when someone offers to help in any form–whether it be a short respite, or long term in home care–we are simultaneously ecstatic and cautious. How could anyone know our children or care for them like we do? How do we step away to get a short break or more permanent support?

Six years ago, we received notification that we would soon be getting waiver services from the state. I stood in the shower, contemplating what it would mean to our family to have consistent help in our home. I cried, relieved that after 13 years of caring for a child with severe disability, the state finally recognized we needed help.

Waiver services changed my life. But along with that help, so needed and much appreciated, came the realization that I would need to give up some control, let go of constant vigilance, and accept the support of others. It was not, then or now, an easy process.

Even now, I make mistakes and can be overly protective. Sometimes, I forget that Samantha’s current in-home caregiver is very capable. Or that Samantha is almost 20 years old and needs time with friends, experiences that do not include her mother.

Letting Go

Letting go. All parents, regardless of a child’s abilities, need to let go as their children move towards independence. For the parent of a child with special needs, especially of kids who are non-verbal or need specialized care, this challenge is particularly difficult. Both parents and caregivers need to demonstrate patience.

Recently, a professional caregiver mentioned a parent who was resistant to letting her child go on outings, be alone with the caregiver, or let the child out of her sight. Consequently, the child would not respond to the new caregiver in any way, always deferring to the parent. The caregiver wanted to know, “What do I do?”.

My advice to the caregiver was to start small. To begin by taking short, specific outings with an end time in mind. To communicate about details and understand that the parent had to know these details for many years. To take photos of your outing, if possible and send them by phone, reassuring the parent that all is well.

My advice for parents is to start small, also. To spend some time outside the home without your child. To take a walk. To get coffee with a friend. To give the caregiver time to bond and learn about how to best care for your child.

This summer, my husband and I will be married 25 years-a significant anniversary, especially considering the challenges we have faced. We are planning a trip in the fall to go away for a full week to celebrate. This will be the first time I have been away from Samantha for more than a few days. I am nervous but also realize that we have the supports in place to make it happen. Samantha is old enough to handle having me away for a week, whether or not I am ready.

Building up to a long trip away has taken me a very long time. A short time ago, I was the parent who was afraid to let her daughter out of her sight for a minute, sure I was the only person who knew what was best for her.

Accepting help and letting go. It is a tough lesson for many parents of children with special needs. So be patient and show grace. Give others the chance to be a blessing to you and your child, trusting that in the end God is looking out for us all.

Do you like what you see at DifferentDream.com? You can receive more great content by subscribing to the quarterly Different Dream newsletter and signing up for the daily RSS feed delivered to your email inbox. You can sign up for the first in the pop up box and the second at the bottom of this page.

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Karen Jackson is the Executive Director of Faith Inclusion Network (FIN) of Hampton Roads where she lives with her husband and three children in Norfolk, VA. She is also the author of Loving Samantha. You can connect with Karen at the Faith Inclusion Network page.