iFeel Like an Apple iDiot

Posted on March 26, 2012 by jphilo

1366277 vector apple iFeel Like an Apple iDiot

The first four items on my weekend to-do list

Clean the bathrooms.
Vacuum bugs in the guest bedroom.
Put finishing touches on speech for next week.
Make apple pies for church camp scholarship auction.

were a snap to finish. In fact iWas so pleased with my skill and efficiency, my mom would have warned me not to break my arm while patting myself on the back had she been here to do so.

Then, iTackled the last two items on the list

Research iCloud.
Research iPad 3.

Two paragraphs into the first online article, iWondered if it was written in a foreign language. The article was peppered with phrases like like

iOS device,
wireless pushing,
4 GB,
retina display,
oleophobic scratch-proof glass,
slick interface,
blazing LTE hotspot.

iDidn’t understand any of them. My iCloud and iPad research made one thing perfectly clear. When it comes to technology, iFeel

iNcompetent,
iNsecure,
and
iN need of an iNterpreter.

So tomorrow, off to the Apple Store iGo where, hopefully, a perky iGenius in a bright, blue T shirt will refrain from laughter while answering my iCloud questions, respond with kindness when a blank look is my response to his answers, and exhibit great patience while conducting my iPad tutorial. iN short, iNeed an Apple Store iGenius who can do the iMpossible. iNeed an Apple Store iGenius who can make me feel

iNspired
iNstead of
iDiotic when navigating the
iUniverse.

Otherwise, iAm coming home to unwire my iUniverse and launch an apple pie baking business iNstead. Like my mother always said after she warned me about breaking my leg by patting myself on the back -

iF you can’t conquer ‘em, cook ‘em.

Time for a Facelift

Posted on December 30, 2011 by jphilo

Apparently, I didn’t think getting ready for Christmas, scheduling a blog tour for Different Dream Parenting, doing a half-dozen author radio interviews, and helping the kids move to Wisconsin was enough to keep me busy this month. Otherwise, why would I schedule two major facelifts in December.

No, no, not cosmetic surgery.
A refinishing project.
And revamping this website.
The kind of facelifts I was sure would be quick and painless.
Hah!

My husband thought refinishing Mom’s old red and white stool was craziness. “Don’t ask me to help you with it,” was his response when I dragged it onto the porch. But when all by myself, I found someone who would sandblast and prime it for $20 bucks, he relented. Pretty soon, he was removing screws and demonstrating the finer points of spray painting and sanding. Near the end of the project which took much longer than I expected, when it was evident the stool was going to be bright and cheerful in it’s new life as a plant stand, he even said, “It’s kind of fun doing a project like this together.”

No, no, revamping this website was not very fun.
Even with the nicest tech guy in the world doing the tricky stuff.
Even though I hoped he could take care of the WordPress part while I ate bon bons.
But instead I needed to learn to do it, following “simple website tutorials.”
Hah!

On the back end of the revamp, my personal opinion is that the words “simple” and “website” should never appear next to each other in a sentence. Or in the same sentence. Or paragraph. Or tutorial. Also, one of those two words should be banned from the internet.

Even though I’m still working through some emotional issues related to revamping, the website is up and running. It may take a month or so to work out some snafus. For example, to have daily posts delivered to your website, you’ll need to sign up for the RSS feed on the home page (near the top, on the right) as the old feed and the old site no longer exist. And you’ll need to get used to typing the new, short and simple address – jolenephilo.com – in your URL bar. Hopefully, the revamped site will be so much easier to load, read, navigate, search, and make comments that you won’t mind those minor, one time inconveniences.

No, no, this is not a sales pitch.
You pay no money, and you comments are appreciated.
I’ll even reply to them, which often was prevented on the old site due to tech glitches.
And because of my tendency to overschedule, which won’t happen in January.
Hah!

Sheer Torture – Recycled

Posted on August 2, 2011 by jphilo

Today’s recycled post was pulled from the August, 2009 file. It’s a snapshot of the month before the release of A Different Dream for My Child, complete with technical challenges, and hot weather. Reading through it, I was struck by how similar this August is to that one. Preparations are underway for the release of Different Dream Parenting, a nice techie guy is patiently helping me revamp www.jolenephilo.com, and the weather is hot and miserable.

Sheer Torture – Recycled

For most of my life, August has been a torturous month, and not just because of the almost unbearable heat and humidity that makes the corn in these parts grow while the people wilt. For my sixteen years as a student and my twenty-five years as a teacher, it marked another unwelcome event: the return to school.

When I left teaching six years ago, August became one of my favorite months. No return to a hot, sticky classroom for me. No abrupt loss of freedom, piles of papers to grade, endless teachers’ meetings to attend, or reluctant students to corral. Every August I kicked up my heels, said a few prayers for my teacher friends, and typed away, though it took three or four years before my stomach quit twisting into knots at the sight of the back-to-school ads.

So far, this August has again been sheer torture. Why, you ask, when A Different Dream for Your Child will be released September 1? Isn’t your life exciting and fun now?

No, and I’ll tell you why. Preparing for the book’s release, which is the only thing on my to do list for the month, and more specifically, getting www.differentdream.com, the book’s companion website, up and running, is sheer torture. And to make matters worse, I’m paying a web designer good money to enter the torture chamber and turn the screws. He’s a very polite and knowledgeable young man who has yet to snicker at the inane questions I ask him, though there’s no hidden camera recording his behavior after our phone conversations end.

But, he’s a pretty tough task master, none the less. He even offered to assign homework and deadlines if I needed more motivation. I declined since September 1 is plenty motivating. Under his insistent, patient tutelage, this old dog is learning a whole lot of techie tips, and the website is taking shape.

Will it be up and running by the book release date? Yes, in fact you can go to it now and see how it’s progressing.

But will the site be perfectly complete? No. And something I learned during my teaching days keeps my perfectionistic self from imposing unrealistic expectations this torturous August. One long ago day, when I was stressing myself out by trying to be ready for the entire year before the first day of school, the realization dawned that I didn’t need to be completely ready. I only needed to be ready for the first day, or maybe for the first week. Immediately, my stress level plummeted, along with my blood pressure and crabbiness. The last bit made my family very, very happy.

If I can keep that lesson in mind this August, maybe the whole month won’t be sheer torture. Maybe the web designer and I will even become friends, though that’s doubtful. In my opinion, he’s in the same category as my gynecologist.

Enough said.

Sitting at the Genius Bar

Posted on June 30, 2011 by jphilo

Sunday afternoon, for the first time ever, I bellied up to the Apple Genius Bar.

Now don’t get the wrong idea, silly. I wasn’t on the genius side of the counter, though I’m flattered by your faulty thinking. No, I was on the side where the ignoramuses sit, the side upon which the rays of genius fall rather than emanate.

So why was I schlepping to the Genius Bar on a sunny June, Sunday afternoon?

Looking for some genius to perform some techie CPR on my MacBook Pro which was dead, dead, dead. I mean really dead. No lights twinkling anywhere. Not even on the power cord. No matter which outlet I plugged into. No matter how much I fiddled with the cord or pushed buttons. Yep, my sweet, little laptop was a goner. Until the genius at the Genius Bar (did I mention the nearest Apple Store is 45 minutes away) plugged it in. Then it started charging like crazy and powered up without a hitch.

Confirmation that I was appropriately seated on the ignoramus side of the Genius Bar.

The genius was really nice about it. He ran some diagnostics to be sure my turncoat of a laptop was functioning properly. It was. And he gave me a new prong thingy for my adaptor cord, since the prongs on the old one were acting funky. So the trip wasn’t a complete waste.

But I don’t think he’s going to recommend I join him on his side of the Genius Bar.

Which is perfectly fine by me. Because the Apple Store was absolutely packed, even on a gorgeous Sunday afternoon in June. Kids working the iPads, iPods, and computers with ease. Geeks in blue shirts patiently showing people our age how a touch screen works. Think Sesame Street and Big Bang Theory meet Grumpy, Old Men and The Golden Girls.

Who would want to work in a place like that anyway?

From Technologically-Challenged Dog to Skypette

Posted on August 20, 2009 by jphilo

I don’t want to get all gushy about this, but I think the little Skype chats between the web guy and me have become a bonding experience. These days, we talk almost daily – me with my list of new questions about problems I created while working on the Different Dream website assignments he gives, and the web guy with his ready list of answers and solutions for my missteps. He’s either remarkably patient or a glutton for punishment. I’m not sure which.

Without a doubt, he’s a good teacher because I’m actually starting to understand what I’m doing. And, when I log into the admin dashboard, (Don’t I sound all techie throwing around words like admin dashboard? I know lots more techie lingo, so if you need some, let me know.) I no longer feel like throwing up. If that’s not a sign of progress, I don’t know what is.

And yesterday, an amazing thing happened. I figured out how to do something before the web guy did! Please don’t get the idea I’m bragging and don’t hold your breath waiting for it to happen again. But certainly do take heart. If this old technologically-challenged dog can build a website, become a Skypette, and have a video on YouTube, there’s no limit to what you can do.

With that bit of encouragement, I need to stop blogging and log into the Different Dream website again. I have a lot to do before me and my web guy bond via Skype this afternoon.

The way I’m feeling right now, the first thing on the list will be to throw up. Hmm…am I backsliding already?

Prairie Mamma vs. Technology Woman

Posted on August 18, 2009 by jphilo

In the past few days, my personality’s been split wide open. Half of me is this woman who lives on the edge of town, swept into a prairie woman persona due to circumstances beyond my control.

Since Friday this half of me has photographed a late summer fawn down by the bridge and scared up oodles of goldfinches, larks and cardinals during morning walks. Neighbors keep thrusting tomatoes, cabbages, zucchini, and fresh eggs at me, so our kitchen is a frenzy of cooking and freezing fresh veggies. And don’t get me started on the five dozen ears of corn we’ll get from our CSA today, along with who knows what else. Not only that, but Saturday our farmer son took us touring through every livestock barn at the State Fair. Pretty much country, don’t you think?

But the other half of me is taking a a crash course in technology under the tutelage of my web designer guy, who happens to be the same age as the former fourth grade students to whom I once taught long division. Now I wouldn’t want to meet all this technology alone in a dark alley, much less use to promote my book. But the web guy insists I have to learn Skype, Gravatar, Twitter, and how to update my own website. He refuses to let up. My only option is to bear down and deliver the goods, an adventure I thought I gave up after my daughter was born 21 years ago. Pretty much techno-savvy, don’t you think?

So here I am, being pulled apart by my inner warring factions: prairie mamma versus technology woman. By the end of the week, if one of the two doesn’t let up, things could get ugly. But if I can lasso both personalities into one cohesive whole again, my website will be up and the freezer will be stocked for the winter.

But for now, I better get a move on. Prairie mamma’s getting nervous with technology woman on a role writing this blog entry. Time to calm my inner granola crunchy without stifling my emerging techno-wizard. Life is so complicated sometimes.

What’s Going On?

Posted on July 15, 2009 by jphilo

If you’re wondering what’s going on with this website, join the club. It has something to do with Mac’s launch of MobileMe: the newer, faster system designed to replace .mac, the system that posts my entries to this blog, along with your comments. The switch started July 12 and things aren’t going well. I was surprised to see yesterday’s post on my website. When I tried to publish the post, I received a message saying an error occurred. So I’ll be optimistic and hope I can publish again today, no matter what kind of message I get!

If you’ve tried posting a comment to previous entries, you already know that’s not working. The very nice and slightly overwhelmed Apple Support lady I spoke to on the phone said they don’t know when things will be working. So hang in there, and enjoy the picture of the pink fairy rose I took at my uncle’s Minnesota farm last weekend.

Also, I’m traveling from July 16 – August 4, and internet access will be poor at best. So keep checking in and look for a big update in early August. In the meantime, I’ll check in when I can.

Oh, Brother!

Posted on March 19, 2009 by jphilo

My latest technological leap forward has me wishing for simpler days, for some “old-timey radio music” performed by the Soggy Bottom Boys long before computers, laser printers, drivers and wireless routers made my life so much easier.

The leap began with the switch from an ink jet to laser printer, a good move my more technologically advanced friends said, considering how much printing of rough drafts I do these days. One look at the installation manuel, and I knew the double leap to a wireless laser printer was too much for me.

I spent most of last night confirming what I suspected: the quick and easy installation process was not what it claimed to be. Much of the morning was spent on the phone with a rather snippy, androgynous-sounding member of the Brother support system. By the end of the call, he/she had me feeling like a first grader on the way to the principal’s office (though he/she told me to have a great day), and the printer was still not hooked up.

At that point, I gave up on the wireless installation and followed the quick and easy directions for a USB cable hook-up instead. Those directions lived up to their name, and within seconds I was printing off the crisp, clear copies promised in the promotional literature.

So my leap forward has a happy ending, though the effort exhausted me. I want to take the afternoon off and watch one of my all time favorite movies Oh, Brother Where Art Thou?. But I can’t, because we only have the movie on VHS. At this particular moment, our VCR is disconnected because Hiram ran out of time to put things back together yesterday after he tore everything apart while trying to improve the reception on our TV. The reception’s been horrible since we installed our converter box to keep up with the HD technological leap forward.

Suddenly, I am very, very tired. Dapper Dan, where are you?

Armed and Dangerous

Posted on January 22, 2009 by jphilo

I’m not sure when it happened but sometime in the last five years, technology invaded my office. I am now the owner of a MacBook, a snazzy digital camera, a telephoto lens, a fancy flash attachment, a tripod, a digital camcorder, a new fliptop cell phone, an external hard drive, an iPod Classic, a tape recorder and a gizmo that allows me to use it to record phone interviews, several carrying cases, multiple charger cords and more cables than you can shake a stick at.

If I knew how to “utilize new technology to the fullest,” these devices would make my life easier. But I know just enough to be dangerous, never efficient. My external hard drive, which I use to back up documents and pictures says it is full, and I have no idea how to get rid of its technoclutter. The manual to the fancy flash attachment says that to determine the correct flash bounce angle, I should check the camera’s ISO setting. What does that mean? My iPod is always syncronizing, the tripod sometimes collapses without notice, the new cell phone’s ring is unfamiliar, and my technology drawer is a mass of cables and chords that look an awful lot like the Canadian garter snake balls I saw in National Geographic once. Sometimes I hear things moving around in the drawer. I think they’re mating.

The situation will never get better, only worse. More technology will invade my house and breed behind closed drawers. So consider this your warning. I’m armed and dangerous. It’s time to lock the doors.

iPhoto iSkeleton

Posted on November 24, 2008 by jphilo

I have a confession to make. I’m really, really good about taking photos and downloading them into iPhoto. And, I’m really, really good at telling myself I’ll label and organize them later. My strategy worked for two years until I used up most of my computer memory. So this weekend, when we had no commitments other than church, I yanked open the door to my electronic closet. The iPhoto iSkeleton I’ve been shoving to the very back for the past few years fell on my head. Ouch!

For two days I sorted photos into files and burned the files to disks. I reorganized, labeled and tagged he pictures I left on the computer. It was torture, even though I watched the third season of the first Bob Newhart show while on the rack. Though I’m not quite done organizing and backing up, I’m much closer to my goal. The computer is working faster now that it’s not overloaded, and I hope to finish labeling and tagging while we travel for Thanksgiving.

New Year’s Day is a month and a half away, but I already have my resolution for 2009. From now on, when I download, I will label and tag photos. I’ll burn them to CDs, which will also be labeled, when the files get full. I promise, I promise, I promise.

No way do I want another weekend like this past one. As a matter of fact, I need some iTylenol for the iHeadache I developed. So I’ll leave you with one word of warning – stand back when you open your electronic closet. Those iSkeletons hurt when they fall on your head.

Down the Gravel Road www.jolenephilo.com

Tag Archives: technology