When universal design became part of God’s design for my father’s illness and our family, it planted the seed to make the church more inclusive in my heart.
No More Vacant Special Needs Dads
No More Vacant Special Needs Dads
Vacant special needs dads are an unwanted reality for many families kids with disabilities. Today’s guest blogger and author Jeff Davidson was in danger of becoming a vacant dad after the birth of his son who has profound special needs. Today, Jeff shares the story of the grace that rescued him and his family and eventually led to his newly released book, No More Peanut Butter Sandwiches.
No More Vacant Special Needs Dads
“My coping mechanism, like so many other dads of children with special needs, was to live in denial. I convinced myself that this was temporary and he would eventually catch up developmentally. For years I would not even utter the word autism out loud. I would say my son was on the autism spectrum, but not autistic. I would declare he had sensory processing issues but it wasn’t autism. I acted as if as long as I didn’t acknowledge it verbally, it didn’t exist. I was convinced he would just grow out of it someday. I would retreat at night to my home office and pour myself into my work, sitting at my desk until everyone else in the house was in bed.
“That’s what most of us do when we are in denial or just don’t know what to do. We retreat to something we are good at, or can master, and we throw ourselves into that instead. That’s our coping mechanism. So I dug in passionately at work and masked what was going on in my private life.”
Special Needs Dads and Moms Need to Grieve
“Coming to grips with the realization that you have a child with special needs is very much like many other life-altering moments in life. Everyone has to grieve. Everyone has to go through the grief process. What no one tells you is that you and your spouse will grieve differently and not be at the same stage or place in your grief at the same time.
“Men, for example, tend to get all tangled up in the denial and anger stages of grief. We can linger there for years and, for many dads, it’s unrecoverable. They never come to terms with it and it destroys them. Some dads choose to live forever in anger or denial. Often, dads check out within just a few years of receiving a diagnosis. Many will just walk away and leave the family fatherless.”
Why Special Needs Dads Become Vacant Dads
“For too many others, though, they just become what I call the ‘vacant dad.’ The vacant dad stays in the marriage, but he is pretty much there in body only. He doesn’t care, he doesn’t get engaged, and he doesn’t get involved. He’s checked out in every way except physically. I don’t know which is worse, the dad who leaves or the vacant dad. But I didn’t want to be either one.
“We have an epidemic of vacant dads in the special-needs community these days. We are losing too many dads within two or three years after diagnosis. As a result too many children with special needs are being predominantly raised by single female caregivers.”
Why I Write for Special Needs Dads
Those words are excerpted from my new book for parents of children with special needs, No More Peanut Butter Sandwiches: a father, a son with special needs, and their journey with God.
I began using the phrase “vacant dad” a couple of years ago after noticing the lack of engagement and involvement so many fathers have within their special-needs families. As a father of a son with profound special needs myself, I cannot imagine missing out on the blessings, joys, and cherished experiences I have had through my interactions with my own son.
As I like to say, “God sent a broken child into a broken world to a broken father, so that together they could find God in their brokenness.” That’s why I have become so passionate about starting a movement to reach more dads of children with special needs. That’s why I wrote my book from a father’s perspective to help other fathers along the journey.
How to Join the No More Vacant Dads Community
At risingaboveministries.org, fathers and mothers of children with special need can network, find support, participate in discussion forums, and link up with dad’s groups and activities across the country.
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Jeff Davidson and his wife Becky founded Rising Above Ministries to help support and encourage special needs families. Jeff passed away in 2017.
Author Jolene Philo
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