Can you believe it? While our nation catches its collective breath after the Great Polar Vortex of 2014, an even scarier event is taking shape in the country’s midsection.

Get ready for the Great Purgeal Vortex of 2014.

The epicenter is located in an unassuming farmhouse on the edge of a small Iowa town. The vortex began gaining strength last fall when the unassuming residents of the unassuming farmhouse helped rellies pack up their households and move to new digs. Those moving experiences made the farmhouse residents think about their intent to pack their own household in a few years, when they hope to move closer to their kids. And they realized, that after 25 years in the same house, they have too much stuff.

Hence the Great Purgeal Vortex of 2014.

It begins this weekend, so consider this your warning to take cover. For the next two months, do not, repeat, do not hide in the closets, cupboards, attic, or basement of the unassuming farmhouse as they will be purged with great vigor and ruthless determination. Do not take cover in the back of the pick up truck parked in the farmhouse garage or at the Goodwill and Salvation Army drop off locations in this small Iowa town as they will serve as purge depositories.

Above all, do not try to stop the woman who instigator the Great Purgeal Vortex of 2014.

She is deadly serious and believed to be armed with old cookware and hangs around with craft projects gone bad. She was last seen wearing an old sweatshirt and dusty blue jeans, and she had a pair of ice skates that looked like they’d been stored in an attic for decades hanging over her shoulder. She was carrying several bulging bags and boxes, and had a Goodwill Donor’s Valuation Guide clutched in one sweaty hand.

Again, do not try stop this woman.

Just stay home, safely out of her way until the Great Purgeal Vortex of 2014 is over at the end of February. Or better yet, start a purgeal vortex at your own house. It’s ugly while it lasts, but once it’s over the people who will one volunteer to help you move after you’ve lived in the same house for 25 years will thank you.

Don’t ask me how I know this.