For about twenty-four hours, ever since our modem died yesterday afternoon, the technological forces of the universe did their best to unwire our household. Thankfully, despite their best efforts and my lack of technological skill, they failed miserably.

I won’t bore you with the entire saga. (Careful now, your sigh of relief could be audible.) Instead, here’s a quick run down of the three – count ‘em – three calls to our internet provider’s tech support headquarters it took to before all systems were once again go.

PROLOGUE: All three calls began with one of those obnoxious, prerecorded helpers designed frustrate clients so they’ll hang up before reaching a live technician. My favorite part of the pre-recorded advice was given right after I indicated the problem was a lack of internet connection. The mechanical voice announced, “You’ll find ways to fix many internet-related problems by yourself using the free tutorials and instruction manuals at our website.”

Grrrr.

CALL #1: When the live tech support woman finally came on the line, she scolded me for not checking for power cord issues before calling. When she heard the cord was plugged into a power strip, she suspected it was the culprit. After I performed a series of contortions to unplug the modem and several tests per her instruction, the modem came back to life. “See,” she admonished, “You could have determined it was a power cord issue without my help.”

Before our call ended, I had to promise this woman that if the modem again failed, I would complete the power cord test before calling for tech support. Two hours later, the internet connection again failed, so I performed the required tests. But this time, I couldn’t resuscitate the modem on my own, which led to…

CALL #2: When a live tech person finally came on the line, I described the tests completed before calling. “Okay,” she said, “let’s start by checking for a power cord issue,” and began describing the tests I had just completed. When she finally realized I’d been a big girl and done those tests all by myself, she said, “I’m sorry to tell you this, but you have a bad modem and need a new one.”

I really, really wanted to ask her to get the previous tech person on the line and repeat what she’d just said, but restrained myself in the interest of time. She also said another tech call would be required to configure the modem, once it was purchased, which led to…

CALL #3: After purchasing the new modem, I once again called our internet provider. A friendly, helpful and very young-sounding man walked me through the configuration process. While we waited for stuff to download and reconfigure, he made comments like, “That’s a good-looking modem you’ve got there,” and “You’ve got yourself a real good modem,” and “Everything looks good from this end.” All of which made me wish I’d spent more time on my hair and make up this morning, ‘cause who knows what else was showing up on his computer screen?

We checked and double-checked the internet connection and then the wireless router, and all systems were go. So my complimentary helper ended the call by saying. “Now, won’t your husband be surprised when he comes home to find you set the new modem up all by yourself?”

If I were a brave woman, I would call tech services to ask one last question: Do you have an online tutorial that teaches tech guys how to quit while they’re ahead?