A Woman of Aluminum Gone Wild Weekend

by jphilo | Sep 28, 2015 | Daily Life

For the first time since who knows when, I spent several days at home.

Alone.
All by myself.

No Man of Steel, who went to Minnesota for a long weekend motorcycling with his brother-in-law and doing Papoo stuff with the grandkids. No speaking engagements, because the one scheduled for Saturday was cancelled. No kids, because they were here over Labor Day weekend. No pets, because we gave up pet ownership several years ago after gaining a reputation in the neighborhood as the black hole of pets.

Just me.
The Woman of Aluminum.
Alone at home.

Quite a switch at our house, since I’m the one who’s usually out and about while the Man of Steel sticks around to keep the home fires burning. This is a situation that can be extrapolated to reveal much about the true differences between men and women. Here are 4 examples that come to mind.

• When home alone for a weekend, the Man of Steel eats meals that require no cooking beyond the microwave and no dishes. Only paper towels. He purchases bagged salad or potato chips to take to the church potluck on Sunday. When the wife gets home, the dishwasher holds exactly the same number of dirty dishes as when she left.
• When home alone for a weekend, the Woman of Aluminum eats BLTs for supper every night because it would be a shame to let the last, gorgeous tomatoes of the summer go to waste. She makes chocolate chip oatmeal cookies to take to the church potluck on Sunday and since the oven is hot, finally bakes that apple pie she’s been meaning to deliver to the new neighbors who moved in a year ago. She loses track of how many times she runs the dishwasher.
• The Man of Steel mows and trims the lawn and deposits his dusty clothes in the laundry room.
• The Woman of Aluminum bites the bullet and cleans the refrigerator for the first time in more than a year. It is gross.
• The Man of Steel goes running as often as possible on bachelor weekends and remembers to leave his sweaty running clothes in the laundry room hamper so the bedroom won’t smell like a locker room when his wife returns.
• The Woman of Aluminum walks every morning of her solitary weekend, but her clothes don’t get sweaty because she refuses to run. Because running is against her religion. She sorts the week’s laundry before the Man of Steel returns from his trip and is struck by the dearth of sweaty, dirty man clothes and the abundance of kitchen towels and dish rags in the wash.
• The Man of Steel cranks up the volume on his speakers and listens to loud music every spare moment alone. All weekend long. Over and over.
• The Woman of Aluminum binges on Glimore Girls DVDS and The Hunger Games movies. Without popcorn. But with a few of the chocolate chip cookies that won’t be missed at the church potluck.

I could go on and on. But won’t because I’m writing this blog during my weekend alone and I really, really want to complete every item on my Woman-of-Aluminum-Gone-Wild weekend agenda.

Next up?
Balancing Mom’s checkbook and paying her bills for October.
After that?
Don’t ask. Just don’t ask.