{"id":32086,"date":"2020-06-18T00:05:29","date_gmt":"2020-06-18T05:05:29","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/differentdream.com\/?p=32086"},"modified":"2020-06-18T00:05:29","modified_gmt":"2020-06-18T05:05:29","slug":"three-themes-common-to-special-needs-dads","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/jolenephilo.com\/staging\/three-themes-common-to-special-needs-dads\/","title":{"rendered":"Three Themes Common to Special Needs Dads"},"content":{"rendered":"\n[et_pb_section fb_built=”1″ fullwidth=”on” _builder_version=”4.4.2″][et_pb_fullwidth_post_title featured_image=”off” _builder_version=”4.4.2″ title_font=”||||||||” title_text_color=”#42313A” title_font_size=”40px” meta_font_size=”14px” background_color=”#B4DBC0″ custom_padding=”50px||50px||false|false”][\/et_pb_fullwidth_post_title][\/et_pb_section][et_pb_section fb_built=”1″ specialty=”on” _builder_version=”4.4.2″ custom_padding=”0px||0px|||”][et_pb_column type=”3_4″ specialty_columns=”3″ _builder_version=”3.25″ custom_padding=”|||” custom_padding__hover=”|||”][et_pb_row_inner _builder_version=”4.4.2″][et_pb_column_inner saved_specialty_column_type=”3_4″ _builder_version=”4.4.2″][et_pb_image src=”@ET-DC@eyJkeW5hbWljIjp0cnVlLCJjb250ZW50IjoicG9zdF9mZWF0dXJlZF9pbWFnZSIsInNldHRpbmdzIjp7fX0=@” align=”center” _builder_version=”4.4.3″ _dynamic_attributes=”src”][\/et_pb_image][et_pb_text _builder_version=”4.4.3″]

Three themes common to special needs dads resonate with guest blogger, Mark Arnold, as Father\u2019s Day approaches. He\u2019s here with straight talk about how to think differently about each of them.<\/i><\/span><\/p>\n

Whenever I talk to dads in a group or on their own long enough, at least one of these three themes common to special needs dads will emerge. Themes that fill them with sadness, regret, pain, grief.<\/span><\/p>\n

#1: I Have To Be The Strong One<\/strong>
<\/span><\/p>\n

Dads who identify their role in the family as being the strong one try to hold it all together. It\u2019s a very manly approach, convincing ourselves that we\u2019ve got it all together. By inference, it makes the Mum the weak one who is falling apart and struggling most.
<\/span><\/p>\n

My experience is that this couldn\u2019t be further from the truth. Scratch beneath the tough exterior of dads, get them to start opening up about how they feel, get them sharing with other dads about their child, their worries, the things they find hard, and they are as vulnerable and hurting as anyone else.
<\/span><\/p>\n

Dads need to learn from mums to be willing to share feelings, to be vulnerable, to seek out and find dads on a similar journey. There is great truth in the saying that it\u2019s okay to not be okay. There is strength in seeking help and support. Talking is powerful It helps us and those we are talking with too.<\/span><\/p>\n

#2: I Need to Be in Control and Fix This<\/strong><\/p>\n

Dads often respond to their child being diagnosed with a special need or disability by looking for ways to stay in control, to manage this, to fix this. We look for an answer that is going to make it all go away. This can\u2019t happen. Often without realizing it, dads are stuck in a cycle of grief that is as real for a parent of a child diagnosed with a special need or disability as it is for a bereaved parent. We grieve for what is lost, both the life we dreamed of for our child, and perhaps even the life we dreamed of for ourselves.<\/span><\/p>\n

The cycle of grief includes denial. Then anger, that can be toxic and lead to broader relationship issues. Bargaining follows when many dads look for ways to negotiate a way out of this. Those with a faith might plead with God, \u201cif only you\u2019ll fix this, I\u2019ll be a good person, I\u2019ll go to church.\u201d Depression arrives when a dad realizes there isn\u2019t a way to do a deal on this, and or fix it. Finally, dads come to acceptance, a place of understanding and appreciation of our and our child\u2019s new life emerges. All is not dark. There is much to look forward to, as Welcome to Holland<\/strong><\/a> expresses.
<\/span><\/p>\n

#3: I Should Leave<\/strong><\/p>\n

In so many cases, too many cases, dads leave. Maybe they have struggled to cope with being strong when inside they are broken. Maybe they have been overwhelmed by the cycle of grief and are stuck in one of its stages. Maybe they have struggled with their child taking up all of the attention of their partner, which led them to seek comfort elsewhere. Maybe something else caused this family to reach the breaking point.
<\/span><\/p>\n

Sadly, over half of families with a child who has a disability experience significant relationship difficulties and breakups. Not every relationship is fixable. Sometimes the diagnosis for a child is merely the final pressure that opens cracks that were there all along. But it doesn\u2019t always have to end this way. If dads and mums are willing to understand their feelings, to appreciate what is going on, to talk about them and seek support and help, some relationships can be turned around.
<\/span>Seek help before it\u2019s too late. Your children need their dad. Your partner needs someone to share the load, be there for the family, raise your children, and to build a good life with.
<\/span><\/p>\n

I\u2019m as broken and struggling as the next dad. I have bad days, I behave like an idiot. But I\u2019ve learned I don\u2019t have to stay that way. I hope you can join me on that journey. Thanks for taking the first step by reading this.\u00a0<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Do you like what you see at DifferentDream.com? You can receive more great content by subscribing to the monthly Different Dream newsletter and signing up for the daily RSS feed delivered to your email inbox. You can sign up for the first in the pop up box and the second at the bottom of this page.<\/i><\/span><\/p>[\/et_pb_text][\/et_pb_column_inner][\/et_pb_row_inner][et_pb_row_inner _builder_version=”4.4.2″][et_pb_column_inner saved_specialty_column_type=”3_4″ _builder_version=”4.4.2″ background_color=”#b4dbc0″ custom_padding=”20px|20px|20px|20px|false|false”][et_pb_blurb title=”@ET-DC@eyJkeW5hbWljIjp0cnVlLCJjb250ZW50IjoicG9zdF9hdXRob3IiLCJzZXR0aW5ncyI6eyJiZWZvcmUiOiJCeSAiLCJhZnRlciI6IiIsIm5hbWVfZm9ybWF0IjoiZGlzcGxheV9uYW1lIiwibGluayI6Im9uIiwibGlua19kZXN0aW5hdGlvbiI6ImF1dGhvcl9hcmNoaXZlIn19@” image=”@ET-DC@eyJkeW5hbWljIjp0cnVlLCJjb250ZW50IjoicG9zdF9hdXRob3JfcHJvZmlsZV9waWN0dXJlIiwic2V0dGluZ3MiOnt9fQ==@” icon_placement=”left” image_max_width=”100px” content_max_width=”800px” _builder_version=”4.4.3″ _dynamic_attributes=”image,title” header_font=”Rubik|500|||||||” header_text_color=”#44465f” header_font_size=”14px” header_line_height=”32px” body_font=”Rubik||||||||” body_text_color=”rgba(0,6,69,0.6)” body_link_text_color=”#ffffff” custom_css_main_element=”font-weight: 400;” border_radii_image=”on|100px|100px|100px|100px” border_color_all_image=”#ffffff” box_shadow_style_image=”preset1″ box_shadow_vertical_image=”20px” box_shadow_blur_image=”40px” box_shadow_color_image=”rgba(68,70,95,0.27)” locked=”off”]

Mark Arnold is the Additional Needs Ministry Director at Urban Saints, a leading national Christian children\u2019s and youth organization. He is co-founder of the Additional Needs Alliance, a national and international advocate for children and young people with additional needs or disabilities. Mark is a Churches for All and Living Fully Network partner, a member of the Council for Disabled Children and the European Disability Network. He writes an additional needs column for Premier Youth and Children\u2019s Work (YCW) magazine and blogs at The Additional Needs Blogfather<\/a>.<\/strong>\u00a0He is father to James, who has autism spectrum condition, associated learning disability, and epilepsy. To find out more about how Mark\u2019s work can help you, contact him at: marnold@urbansaints.org or @Mark_J_Arnold.<\/em><\/p>[\/et_pb_blurb][\/et_pb_column_inner][\/et_pb_row_inner][et_pb_row_inner _builder_version=”4.4.2″][et_pb_column_inner saved_specialty_column_type=”3_4″ _builder_version=”4.4.2″][et_pb_comments _builder_version=”4.4.2″ custom_button=”on” button_text_color=”#42313A” button_bg_color=”#EBDCB2″][\/et_pb_comments][\/et_pb_column_inner][\/et_pb_row_inner][\/et_pb_column][et_pb_column type=”1_4″ _builder_version=”3.25″ custom_padding=”|||” custom_padding__hover=”|||”][et_pb_sidebar _builder_version=”4.4.2″][\/et_pb_sidebar][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_section][et_pb_section fb_built=”1″ _builder_version=”4.4.2″ custom_padding=”0px|||||”][et_pb_row _builder_version=”4.4.2″][et_pb_column type=”4_4″ _builder_version=”4.4.2″][et_pb_text _builder_version=”4.4.2″ header_font=”EB Garamond|600|||||||” header_text_color=”#B6452C” header_font_size=”50px” header_text_shadow_style=”preset1″]

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In today’s Father’s Day post, Mark Arnold uses three themes common to special needs dads to show them what it really means to be a great dad.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":32087,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"on","_et_pb_old_content":"","_et_gb_content_width":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[3559,3612],"tags":[2340,416,533],"class_list":["post-32086","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-different-dream","category-holidays","tag-control","tag-fathers-day","tag-grief"],"yoast_head":"\nThree Themes Common to Special Needs Dads - Jolene Philo Staging<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"In today's Father's Day post, Mark Arnold uses three themes common to special needs dads to show them what it really means to be a great dad.\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"noindex, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Three Themes Common to Special Needs Dads - 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