{"id":31079,"date":"2019-12-12T05:00:08","date_gmt":"2019-12-12T11:00:08","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/differentdream.com\/?p=31079"},"modified":"2019-12-12T05:00:08","modified_gmt":"2019-12-12T11:00:08","slug":"autism-brought-me-to-the-end-of-myself","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/jolenephilo.com\/staging\/autism-brought-me-to-the-end-of-myself\/","title":{"rendered":"Autism Brought Me to the End of Myself"},"content":{"rendered":"\n[et_pb_section fb_built=”1″ fullwidth=”on” _builder_version=”4.4.2″][et_pb_fullwidth_post_title featured_image=”off” _builder_version=”4.4.2″ title_font=”||||||||” title_text_color=”#42313A” title_font_size=”40px” meta_font_size=”14px” background_color=”#B4DBC0″ custom_padding=”50px||50px||false|false”][\/et_pb_fullwidth_post_title][\/et_pb_section][et_pb_section fb_built=”1″ specialty=”on” _builder_version=”4.4.2″ custom_padding=”0px||0px|||”][et_pb_column type=”3_4″ specialty_columns=”3″ _builder_version=”3.25″ custom_padding=”|||” custom_padding__hover=”|||”][et_pb_row_inner _builder_version=”4.4.2″][et_pb_column_inner saved_specialty_column_type=”3_4″ _builder_version=”4.4.2″][et_pb_image src=”@ET-DC@eyJkeW5hbWljIjp0cnVlLCJjb250ZW50IjoicG9zdF9mZWF0dXJlZF9pbWFnZSIsInNldHRpbmdzIjp7fX0=@” align=”center” _builder_version=”4.4.3″ _dynamic_attributes=”src”][\/et_pb_image][et_pb_text _builder_version=”4.9.2″ hover_enabled=”0″ sticky_enabled=”0″]

Autism brought me to the end of myself.<\/strong>\u00a0That’s what guest blogger Amy Felix says about her daughter’s condition. My son’s condition brought me to the end of myself, too, and your child’s condition has probably brought you to the same place. Today Amy tells of finding grace at the end of herself through a small connection with her little girl. Tissue warning!<\/em><\/p>\n

Autism brought me to the end of myself. It had been years. Years of longing to hold her, to breathe her in. I missed her. I would think back to the day I met her. She slept in my arms as I snuggled her close. Then, quickly, it came to an end. The distance between us became so vast\u2013\u2013all of me ached to be near her again. I watched, on the outside looking in, as autism swept my little girl away to another world. <\/span><\/p>\n

She wouldn\u2019t let me hold her anymore.<\/span><\/p>\n

It became our new normal. I could help her get dressed and tie her shoes before preschool, but there were no goodbye kisses. I watched as the other kids ran excitedly into their mother\u2019s arms at the end of the day, while I carefully led my daughter to the car by the strap of her backpack. I couldn\u2019t get too close. She didn\u2019t want to be touched, even when she was sad. I couldn\u2019t comfort her. My heart was breaking as I felt a loss over a child who was still with me. I\u2019d look back at those first months of her life; all those moments I held her, not knowing\u2013\u2013taking for granted the sweet way she\u2019d lay on my chest in the early hours of the morning. <\/span><\/p>\n

The pain was overwhelming.<\/span><\/p>\n

Autism brought me to the end of myself. I\u2019d watch her there, alone in her playroom, as she\u2019d recite her Little Quack books over and over again from memory. Her soft blonde curls covering most of her face, (She didn\u2019t like her hair brushed, much less pulled back.) she would gladly stay alone there for hours if I\u2019d let her. <\/span><\/p>\n

In her own little world, she remained\u2013\u2013and I felt trapped in mine.<\/span><\/p>\n

We were just beginning; just entering the world of intense therapies and IEPs. I didn\u2019t even know what to hope for. All I knew was to fight. To fight for all that my baby needed, all that she deserved. To fight to know her more and to let her know that she was longed for; that she was seen, loved, and carried in my heart whether she be in the middle of a period of progress or in the middle of another epic meltdown. <\/span><\/p>\n

I longed for her to let me into her world; to feel her love and to know she felt mine.<\/span><\/p>\n

Fast forward seven years, to the week before Christmas. We stood in the front row at church. Our family had been asked up on stage to light the advent candle. She was nervous. Her usual swaying and singing to the worship songs replaced by that disregulated look I knew all too well. I was envisioning us having to step out, as she struggled to find a way to calm herself. No matter how I\u2019d tried over the years, I couldn\u2019t get her to connect my presence with comfort. She was trapped in her overwhelming anxiety but wasn\u2019t able to reach out in any way and accept the care I offered. Autism created a chasm between us, even as we were only inches apart. This distance, one of the most painful experiences of my life.<\/span><\/p>\n

Until that night.<\/span><\/p>\n

I could feel her stress level rising. My heart sent up the same prayer it had thousands of times before\u2013\u2013a silent plea for a deeper connection to my child. This time, the answer was a big, beautiful, life-changing <\/span>\u201cYes!<\/strong>\u201d<\/span><\/i><\/p>\n

My daughter looked up at me and said, <\/span>\u201cI\u2019m feeling pretty nervous. Can I hold your hand?\u201d\u00a0<\/span><\/i><\/p>\n

There it was. <\/span><\/p>\n

One moment. One sentence. One breath of new life into my weary heart. She came to me. She was scared and, instead of the usual withdrawal into fear-filled isolation, she reached out for my hand. My baby girl was letting me comfort her, the way I\u2019d longed to for so many years. I finally entered her world on a deeper level- one most moms reach with their children the very first time they hold them in their arms. The waiting, the hoping and the dreaming was over\u2026I had just been given the greatest Christmas gift anyone could ever ask for.<\/span><\/p>\n

God\u2019s love moved mountains.<\/span><\/p>\n

I stood there, her hand in mine, through two more Christmas songs with a smile on my face and tears in my eyes. No one around me could\u2019ve possibly known that my entire world was shifting and changing. Autism brought me to the end of myself. But here I was, experiencing a glimpse of Heaven; of restoration and life-giving joy\u2026and I\u2019ll never forget it<\/em><\/strong>. This journey, once again, teaching me that the little things are the biggest of them all.<\/span><\/p>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

\n

Do you like what you see at DifferentDream.com? You can receive more great content by subscribing to the quarterly Different Dream newsletter and signing up for the daily RSS feed delivered to your email inbox. You can sign up for the first in the pop up box and the second at the bottom of this page.<\/em><\/p>\n<\/div>[\/et_pb_text][\/et_pb_column_inner][\/et_pb_row_inner][et_pb_row_inner _builder_version=”4.4.2″][et_pb_column_inner saved_specialty_column_type=”3_4″ _builder_version=”4.4.2″ background_color=”#b4dbc0″ custom_padding=”20px|20px|20px|20px|false|false”][et_pb_blurb title=”@ET-DC@eyJkeW5hbWljIjp0cnVlLCJjb250ZW50IjoicG9zdF9hdXRob3IiLCJzZXR0aW5ncyI6eyJiZWZvcmUiOiJCeSAiLCJhZnRlciI6IiIsIm5hbWVfZm9ybWF0IjoiZGlzcGxheV9uYW1lIiwibGluayI6Im9uIiwibGlua19kZXN0aW5hdGlvbiI6ImF1dGhvcl9hcmNoaXZlIn19@” image=”http:\/\/differentdream.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/12\/SMP4568.jpg” icon_placement=”left” image_max_width=”100px” content_max_width=”800px” _builder_version=”4.9.2″ _dynamic_attributes=”title” header_font=”Rubik|500|||||||” header_text_color=”#44465f” header_font_size=”14px” header_line_height=”32px” body_font=”Rubik||||||||” body_text_color=”rgba(0,6,69,0.6)” body_link_text_color=”#ffffff” hover_enabled=”0″ custom_css_main_element=”font-weight: 400;” border_radii_image=”on|100px|100px|100px|100px” border_color_all_image=”#ffffff” box_shadow_style_image=”preset1″ box_shadow_vertical_image=”20px” box_shadow_blur_image=”40px” box_shadow_color_image=”rgba(68,70,95,0.27)” locked=”off” title_text=”Amy Felix” sticky_enabled=”0″]

My name is Amy Felix. I\u2019ve been married for 10 years to a guy who\u2019s totally out of my league. I\u2019m a homeschooling mom to 4 kids, ranging in age from 9 to 2 years. That\u2019s really enough work on it\u2019s own but, because I love it, I\u2019m a photographer as well. And, in my spare time, I write. My faith is\u00a0the driving force behind my special needs blog: Appointed To Hope<\/strong><\/a>. I\u2019m a firm believer in being real, transparent, and using the gifts of this journey as a way to relate to others in their joy as well as their sorrow. To read more about my adventures in special needs parenting, visit my website at www.appointedtohope.com<\/a>.<\/strong><\/em><\/p>[\/et_pb_blurb][\/et_pb_column_inner][\/et_pb_row_inner][et_pb_row_inner _builder_version=”4.4.2″][et_pb_column_inner saved_specialty_column_type=”3_4″ _builder_version=”4.4.2″][et_pb_comments _builder_version=”4.4.2″ custom_button=”on” button_text_color=”#42313A” button_bg_color=”#EBDCB2″][\/et_pb_comments][\/et_pb_column_inner][\/et_pb_row_inner][\/et_pb_column][et_pb_column type=”1_4″ _builder_version=”3.25″ custom_padding=”|||” custom_padding__hover=”|||”][et_pb_sidebar _builder_version=”4.4.2″][\/et_pb_sidebar][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_section][et_pb_section fb_built=”1″ _builder_version=”4.9.2″ use_background_color_gradient=”on” background_color_gradient_start=”#42313A” background_color_gradient_end=”#EBDCB2″ background_color_gradient_direction=”159deg” custom_padding=”0px|0px|0px|0px|false|false” border_width_all=”3px” border_color_all=”#1c1259″ saved_tabs=”all”][et_pb_row column_structure=”1_2,1_2″ use_custom_gutter=”on” gutter_width=”1″ _builder_version=”4.9.2″ width=”100%” max_width=”100%” custom_margin=”||0px||false|false” custom_padding=”25px|0px|5px|0px|false|false”][et_pb_column type=”1_2″ module_class=”horizontal_optin_column_1″ _builder_version=”4.3.4″][et_pb_text _builder_version=”4.4.2″ header_text_align=”right” header_text_color=”#45107a” header_3_font=”Dancing Script|700|||||||” header_3_text_align=”center” header_3_text_color=”#B4DBC0″ header_3_font_size=”45px” custom_margin=”10px||||false|false” custom_padding=”||||false|false”]

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Related Posts<\/h1>[\/et_pb_text][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][et_pb_row _builder_version=”4.4.2″][et_pb_column type=”4_4″ _builder_version=”4.4.2″][et_pb_blog fullwidth=”off” posts_number=”3″ include_categories=”current” show_more=”on” _builder_version=”4.4.2″ header_text_color=”#42313A” meta_font=”||on||||||” read_more_font=”|||on|||||” read_more_text_color=”#B6452C” read_more_font_size=”12px” pagination_text_color=”#B6452C” pagination_font_size=”20px”][\/et_pb_blog][\/et_pb_column][\/et_pb_row][\/et_pb_section]\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Autism brought me to the end of myself. So says guest blogger Amy Felix, who also found unexpected joy at the end of herself.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":31082,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"on","_et_pb_old_content":"\"Autism\n\nAutism brought me to the end of myself.<\/strong>\u00a0That's what guest blogger Amy Felix says about her daughter's condition. My son's condition brought me to the end of myself, too, and your child's condition has probably brought you to the same place. Today Amy tells of finding grace at the end of herself through a small connection with her little girl. Tissue warning!<\/em>\n\nAutism brought me to the end of myself. It had been years. Years of longing to hold her, to breathe her in. I missed her. I would think back to the day I met her. She slept in my arms as I snuggled her close. Then, quickly, it came to an end. The distance between us became so vast\u2013\u2013all of me ached to be near her again. I watched, on the outside looking in, as autism swept my little girl away to another world. <\/span>\n\nShe wouldn\u2019t let me hold her anymore.<\/span>\n\nIt became our new normal. I could help her get dressed and tie her shoes before preschool, but there were no goodbye kisses. I watched as the other kids ran excitedly into their mother\u2019s arms at the end of the day, while I carefully led my daughter to the car by the strap of her backpack. I couldn\u2019t get too close. She didn\u2019t want to be touched, even when she was sad. I couldn\u2019t comfort her. My heart was breaking as I felt a loss over a child who was still with me. I\u2019d look back at those first months of her life; all those moments I held her, not knowing\u2013\u2013taking for granted the sweet way she\u2019d lay on my chest in the early hours of the morning. <\/span>\n\nThe pain was overwhelming.<\/span>\n\nAutism brought me to the end of myself. I\u2019d watch her there, alone in her playroom, as she\u2019d recite her Little Quack books over and over again from memory. Her soft blonde curls covering most of her face, (She didn\u2019t like her hair brushed, much less pulled back.) she would gladly stay alone there for hours if I\u2019d let her. <\/span>\n\nIn her own little world, she remained\u2013\u2013and I felt trapped in mine.<\/span>\n\nWe were just beginning; just entering the world of intense therapies and IEPs. I didn\u2019t even know what to hope for. All I knew was to fight. To fight for all that my baby needed, all that she deserved. To fight to know her more and to let her know that she was longed for; that she was seen, loved, and carried in my heart whether she be in the middle of a period of progress or in the middle of another epic meltdown. <\/span>\n\nI longed for her to let me into her world; to feel her love and to know she felt mine.<\/span>\n\nFast forward seven years, to the week before Christmas. We stood in the front row at church. Our family had been asked up on stage to light the advent candle. She was nervous. Her usual swaying and singing to the worship songs replaced by that disregulated look I knew all too well. I was envisioning us having to step out, as she struggled to find a way to calm herself. No matter how I\u2019d tried over the years, I couldn\u2019t get her to connect my presence with comfort. She was trapped in her overwhelming anxiety but wasn\u2019t able to reach out in any way and accept the care I offered. Autism created a chasm between us, even as we were only inches apart. This distance, one of the most painful experiences of my life.<\/span>\n\nUntil that night.<\/span>\n\nI could feel her stress level rising. My heart sent up the same prayer it had thousands of times before\u2013\u2013a silent plea for a deeper connection to my child. This time, the answer was a big, beautiful, life-changing <\/span>\u201cYes!<\/strong>\u201d<\/span><\/i>\n\nMy daughter looked up at me and said, <\/span>\u201cI\u2019m feeling pretty nervous. Can I hold your hand?\u201d\u00a0<\/span><\/i>\n\nThere it was. <\/span>\n\nOne moment. One sentence. One breath of new life into my weary heart. She came to me. She was scared and, instead of the usual withdrawal into fear-filled isolation, she reached out for my hand. My baby girl was letting me comfort her, the way I\u2019d longed to for so many years. I finally entered her world on a deeper level- one most moms reach with their children the very first time they hold them in their arms. The waiting, the hoping and the dreaming was over\u2026I had just been given the greatest Christmas gift anyone could ever ask for.<\/span>\n\nGod\u2019s love moved mountains.<\/span>\n\nI stood there, her hand in mine, through two more Christmas songs with a smile on my face and tears in my eyes. No one around me could\u2019ve possibly known that my entire world was shifting and changing. Autism brought me to the end of myself. But here I was, experiencing a glimpse of Heaven; of restoration and life-giving joy\u2026and I\u2019ll never forget it<\/em><\/strong>. This journey, once again, teaching me that the little things are the biggest of them all.<\/span>\n

\n\n\"\"<\/span> My name is Amy Felix. I\u2019ve been married for 10 years to a guy who\u2019s totally out of my league. I\u2019m a homeschooling mom to 4 kids, ranging in age from 9 to 2 years. That\u2019s really enough work on it\u2019s own but, because I love it, I\u2019m a photographer as well. And, in my spare time, I write. My faith is\u00a0the driving force behind my special needs blog: Appointed To Hope<\/strong><\/a>. I\u2019m a firm believer in being real, transparent, and using the gifts of this journey as a way to relate to others in their joy as well as their sorrow. To read more about my adventures in special needs parenting, visit my website at www.appointedtohope.com<\/a>.<\/strong><\/em>\n\nDo you like what you see at DifferentDream.com? You can receive more great content by subscribing to the quarterly Different Dream newsletter and signing up for the daily RSS feed delivered to your email inbox. You can sign up for the first in the pop up box and the second at the bottom of this page.<\/em>\n\n<\/div>\n
<\/div>","_et_gb_content_width":"2880","footnotes":""},"categories":[3559,3615,3581],"tags":[98,237,4101],"class_list":["post-31079","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-different-dream","category-encouragement","category-grief","tag-autism","tag-christmas","tag-sensory-overload"],"yoast_head":"\nAutism Brought Me to the End of Myself - Jolene Philo Staging<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Autism brought me to the end of myself. 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