No Snake Warning this Fantastic Friday
This fantastic Friday, I am pleased to announce that snake sightings are within the normal range where I live and therefore, no snake warnings are being issued by the Gravel Road Snake Warning Bureau for Spring, 2015. This state of affairs is in stark contrast to the spring of 2009, when the proliferation of snakes led to the creation of the Gravel Road Snake Warning Bureau as is explained below.
Rest assured that this SNAKE WARNING is not meant to eclipse the swine flu pandemic. But I’m worried that the media’s narrow focus on all things pig and pork-related may have blinded us to a growing menace right beneath our central Iowa feet.
Since Easter, the number of squashed snakes on my gravel road has increased alarmingly. In one month, I’ve seen more of the flattened critters than in the previous eighteen years combined. In the newsletter put out by the vegetable farmers from whom we purchased our community supported agriculture (CSA) share, mention was made of the large number of snakes crawling around their farm, too. And in a casual conversation with someone who shall remain nameless (not because he or she is an anonymous source, but because I’m having a senior moment), an abnormally large number of snake sightings was reported.
Even though my level of credibility, manpower, or technological wizardry does not match that of government agencies like the CDC or the Department of Health and Human Services, I am hereby issuing an OFFICIAL SNAKE WARNING for my small town and the surrounding countryside.
The most important thing is that you DO NOT PANIC. DON’T hide in the basement or a windowless closet or interior room in your house until the all clear siren sounds. DON’T wash your hands frequently or stay away from crowds to avoid spread of reptiles. Just AVOID sunbathing on warm rocks. CHECK your shoes for sleeping snakes before you put them on and watch where you step when wandering in the grass. WHISTLE “Dixie” real loud before kneeling in your garden. This is a little trick I learned in South Dakota to scare off rattlesnakes. It works, too. In seven years, I never saw a diamondback.
There. I’ve done my civic duty, and I’m ready to enjoy a SNAKE-FREE weekend. I hope your weekend is, too.
