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Tissue-ology

Tissue-ology

by | Feb 11, 2013 | Current Events

tissue variable

As a former elementary school teacher and survivor of a respiratory virus that’s still holding the man of steel hostage, today I’m officially launching a personal research study into a new branch of science.

Tissue-ology

My interest in this area of research was first piqued during 25 years of teaching. Early on, I observed an interesting pattern. The number of boxes of tissues used by students in a given year correlated directly to the number of learning and behavior issues among those students.

Correlation 1: More learning + behavior issues = More tissues consumed.
Correlation 2: Fewer learning + behavior issues = Fewer tissues consumed.

Tissue-ology

More recently, I’ve discovered that the whereabouts of tissue boxes in our house are good indicators of the healthiness of the inhabitants of a household under respiratory siege.

Stage 1: Tissue boxes in normal positions in each bathroom = everyone feels hunky dory.
Stage 2: Tissue boxes the couch or end table = everybody’s in denial about how fast they’re goin’ down.
Stage 3: Tissue boxes on couch or end table + overflowing wastebasket nearby = hell health in a hand basket.
Stage 4: Tissue boxes back in normal position + stray tissues on bedside and end tables = getting better, but not quite there yet.
Stage 5: Tissue boxes in normal position + dust on the tissue on top = God’s in his heaven + all’s right with the world.

Tissue-ology

According to official scientific monitoring underway at our house, I am currently at Stage 4, while the man of steel is at Stage 3. I am also looking for volunteers willing to participate in this research study. At this point, I can’t afford to pay you, but your name will be added to the list of charter tissue-ologists, which will be a big deal when the field of tissue-ology gets up and blowing running. Leave a comment below if you would like to participate in the study. And remember, you heard it here first.

Tissue-ology.

Top Ten Positive and Negative Things about Having a Cold

Top Ten Positive and Negative Things about Having a Cold

by | Sep 25, 2012 | Top Ten Tuesday, Uncategorized

I spent most of last week blowing my nose and wondering why God saw fit to allow the common cold into creation. I’m still waiting for an answer to that questions. In the meantime, I came up with the top ten positives and negatives associated with having a cold.

10.  It’s a chance to finally sing bass. Then again, with a throat that feels like raw meat, who wants to sing?

9.    Those with stock in a tissue company can feather their own nests. But who takes out stock in a tissue company?

8.    Colds are easier to weather now that I’m not teaching school. Then again, I don’t get a lot of sympathy sitting around the house all day.

7.    Plugged ears are a good excuse for not listening to people. But they make it hard to keep up with the latest gossip.

6.    People are more respectful of personal space when someone has a cold. Either that or they’re too grossed out by hanging boogers to stand nearby.

5.    Colds create the perfect excuse for taking a nap in the middle of the day. Which means there will be more work than normal to do upon recovery.

4.    Colds provide a legitimate reason to say “no” when someone needs a volunteer. But colds turn potential volunteers into emotional weaklings who say “yes” when they should say “no.”

3.     A cold gives sufferers an opportunity to rest and recover while watching daytime TV. Then again, does anyone define daytime TV as restful?

2.    A cold makes a person appreciate good health. Except colds make most people are so miserable they think they’re gonna die and never be healthy again.

1.    A cold is one of those gifts that keeps on giving, the kind to share with anyone and everyone. Unfortunately, people sometimes give it back.