Tissue-ology

shapeimage 1 2451 300x240 Tissue ology

As a former elementary school teacher and survivor of a respiratory virus that’s still holding the man of steel hostage, today I’m officially launching a personal research study into a new branch of science.

Tissue-ology

My interest in this area of research was first piqued during 25 years of teaching. Early on, I observed an interesting pattern. The number of boxes of tissues used by students in a given year correlated directly to the number of learning and behavior issues among those students.

Correlation 1: More learning + behavior issues = More tissues consumed.
Correlation 2: Fewer learning + behavior issues = Fewer tissues consumed.

Tissue-ology

More recently, I’ve discovered that the whereabouts of tissue boxes in our house are good indicators of the healthiness of the inhabitants of a household under respiratory siege.

Stage 1: Tissue boxes in normal positions in each bathroom = everyone feels hunky dory.
Stage 2: Tissue boxes the couch or end table = everybody’s in denial about how fast they’re goin’ down.
Stage 3: Tissue boxes on couch or end table + overflowing wastebasket nearby = hell health in a hand basket.
Stage 4: Tissue boxes back in normal position + stray tissues on bedside and end tables = getting better, but not quite there yet.
Stage 5: Tissue boxes in normal position + dust on the tissue on top = God’s in his heaven + all’s right with the world.

Tissue-ology

According to official scientific monitoring underway at our house, I am currently at Stage 4, while the man of steel is at Stage 3. I am also looking for volunteers willing to participate in this research study. At this point, I can’t afford to pay you, but your name will be added to the list of charter tissue-ologists, which will be a big deal when the field of tissue-ology gets up and blowing running. Leave a comment below if you would like to participate in the study. And remember, you heard it here first.

Tissue-ology.

Super Bowl 47 Top Ten Observations

NFL SB47 Primary National Feb Year RGB Super Bowl 47 Top Ten Observations

Another Super Bowl has come and gone, but it left these top ten lingering impressions in its wake:

10. My, my, my, those players have to be sore this week.

9.   The more a TV show (like Parenthood, Downtown Abbey, or West Wing) draws me in emotionally, the more likely it is to enter my dreams. Rest assured, Super Bowl 47 and I were not bedfellows Sunday night.

8.   Between brothers who are head coaches and the power outage, Super Bowl 47 should provide a motherlode of obscure facts for color commentators in the decades to come.

7.    The best thing about the Super Bowl is the socially acceptable, junk food extravaganza that accompanies it each year.

6.   Surely, John Harbaugh will leave his Super Bowl ring at home when he goes to Jim’s house for Thanksgiving dinner next year.

5.   Finally, we know how to render football commentators speechless. Just turn off the lights in the stadium.

4.   So, are the football players with the braids really football players, or are they Saruman’s fighting Urak-hai moonlighting on the sly?

3.   The lack of sportsmanship displayed by players, coaches, and fans left me feeling sorry for elementary PE teachers and any adult on recess duty. How can educators encourage kids to be good sports when their pro-athlete role models are such bad examples?

2.   The Super Bowl is considered family entertainment, right? Did someone forget to remind Beyonce and the producers of the halftime show about that?

1.   Most of the Super Bowl commercials didn’t make much sense, which shows how out of touch I am with popular culture. However, the Doritos commercial where the dad dressed up as princess and played with his daughter and all his friends joined in was very cool. The world needs more dads like that.

Always the Bridesmaid, Never the Flower Girl

DowntonAbbey3 2353968b Always the Bridesmaid, Never the Flower Girl

Spoiler alert for those who’ve not yet watched episode 2 of the third season of Downton Abbey! Wait to read this until after you’ve watched it.

For those of you who have watched episode 3, at least the women readers, could you believe what happened to Lady Edith? Is this woman doomed to always be the bridesmaid, but never the bride? Only since Lady Sybil eloped and Lady Mary didn’t bother with bridesmaids, Lady Edith never got to be a bridesmaid, either.

And she was jilted at the altar.

In a gown I personally considered more beautiful than Lady Mary’s. And I’m quite the expert on wedding dresses, having spent a considerable amount of my childhood rating wedding gowns worn by my older cousins. I also rated the bridesmaid dresses, wedding programs, embossed napkins, cake, mints, mixed nuts, and the frilly net aprons worn by the young teens who helped serve. Over the years, I kept careful track of which cousins were asked to be bridesmaids, groomsmen, ring bearers and flower girls.

Which brings me back to Downton Abbey and poor Lady Edith.

I know how she felt. I totally understand why she ripped off the veil and threw it over the railing. (Didn’t you just love its romantic and tragic billow to earth?) I understand why she threw the headpiece on the floor, refused supper, moped all night, and rose in the morning determined to be the best spinster ever. How, you might ask, can I understand?

Because I never got to be a flower girl.

My sister did, and her middle name is guess what? Mary. Sure, she let me wear her gown when we played dress up, but it wasn’t the same. Not only that, but my brother got to be a ring bearer. But no matter how winsome and irresistible I acted when the latest bride and groom-to-be stopped by to visit–kinda like Lady Edith acted around Sir Anthony Strallan–I never got the flower girl nod.

Never. Ever. Not once.

But like, Edith, I’ve decided to stop moping. Instead, I’m working on my accent and posture, adding to my matching hat and gown collection, learning wield a walking stick with an imposing air, and perfecting the art of leveling pointed looks at one and all.

Watch out Dowager Countess of Grantham, your competition is on the move!

Tiny Town, Gigantic Heart

IMG 4898 Tiny Town, Gigantic Heart

State Highway 20 west of Camp Crook, three miles from the Montana border.

Long time readers of this blog have been subjected to posts about Camp Crook, SD where the man of steel and I lived from 1978 after we graduated from college to 1985. This post subjects you to another story about Camp Crook. It boasts a population of about 62 and is not far from the McFarthest Spot in the contiguous United States. It is very remote town in one of the most sparsely populated counties in South Dakota. It’s a town full of cowboys and cowgirls, college and professional rodeo stand-outs, and people with gigantic hearts.

How gigantic?

I’m glad you asked. A recent article in the county newspaper, The Nation’s Center News, gives an idea. The article, Julia Davis Benefit Is An Incredible Event, describes a fundraiser held on Friday, December 28, 2012. Julia and her husband ranch about 10 miles south of Camp Crook. She’s also the secretary in Harding County’s State’s Attorney office. Julia has had surgeries throughout her life for a congenital hip defect. In 2012, surgeons in Denver replaced her hip joint with an artificial one. But Julia developed a stubborn bone infection, and the only course of treatment left was amputation of her leg at the hip.

So her friends organized the Julia Davis Benefit to encourage and support her.

The night of the benefit, the streets of tiny Camp Crook were double-lined with 250–350 vehicles. Over 500 people from South and North Dakota, Montana and Wyoming crowded into the Community Center for the pot luck supper and auction. Over 200 items were donated for the silent auction. During the live auction, ten spotters helped the auctioneers keep up with the bidding. The benefit was a tremendous success.

How successful was it?

I’m glad you asked. The people in this tiny town with a gigantic heart–where many of the same people raised $1500 to defray our son’s medical costs, a substantial sum in 1982–outdid themselves in 2012. The big-hearted people in the town we’re proud to have  called home for 7 years raised over $73,000 for Julia and her family.

You read that right. $73,000.

I read the article in the paper and told the man of steel about it when he got home from work. His eyes grew large. He thought for a moment and then said, “There’s power in that place.” I nodded in agreement. Neither of us could keep the silly grins off our face during supper. And every time I think about the benefit, the silly grin comes back. But when I think of Julia, who’s leg was amputated on January 14, the grin fades and I begin to pray.

Oh Lord, wrap your arms around Julia and her family as she recovers and learns to walk and cope. May the gigantic hearts in that tiny town lift her up in the months and years to come. May your presence be the power in the place. Amen.

Hasbro’s Easy Bake Oven for Bros

Ultimate Oven FPU updated Hasbros Easy Bake Oven for Bros

This is the traditional Easy-Bake Oven, the modern day version of the Easy-Bake I coveted during my childhood. But my childhood was so deprived, I never received the gift of my dreams. Probably because Mom made us walk to school every day.

In the snow.
Uphill.
Both ways.

My desire was finally realized during our 2007 family White Elephant gift exchange. That was the year I made darn tootin’ sure to win back the Easy-Bake oven that was my contribution to the event.

I found it at Good Will.
In the box.
Never opened.
With all the food mixes intact.

Apparently, my childhood Easy-Bake obsession or my adult one–or perhaps both–made an impression on my sister. Because as the media buzz about McKenna Pope, the teenage girl in New Jersey who petitioned Hasbro to make a bro-friendly oven for boys, Sis sent me the link about the story.

The new design has not yet been unveiled.
But rumor has it that the stove will be grey and black.
Or decorated in camo.
Very manly.

I feel ambivalent about Hasbro’s new Easy-Bake for boys bros. Not because I have anything against boys learning to cook. All boys need to learn the basics of cooking, and baking teeny-tiny cakes under a light bulb is as a good a place as any. It’s just that deep down, I’m jealous worried. McKenna’s little brother, Gavyn will have the first every Easy-Bake Oven for boys before he’s five years old. I was over fifty before I cooked with one.

It took all morning to bake one teeny-tiny cake.
Which I couldn’t eat because the cake mixes were expired.
Plus, I didn’t read the directions carefully enough.
So the plastic spatula sort of melted.

After about six hours slaving over a hot light bulb, I threw the whole mess in the garbage. The whole experience was rather traumatic. Hopefully, Gavyn will have more success with his Easy-Bake.

So he doesn’t become bitter.
Turn his back on cooking.
Develop an aversion to light bulbs.
Become a habitual plastic spatula melter.

Easy-Bake Ovens can be life-changing. I just hope Gavin’s Easy-Bake bromance is a long and loving one.

Three Sandy Hook Thoughts for Thursday

Nativity Scenes020 Three Sandy Hook Thoughts for Thursday

  1. God of all comfort, please comfort the children, comfort the parents, comfort the teachers and staff at Sandy Hook School in the hard days, months, and years to come as only you can.
  2. Wrap your arms around the family of Adam Lanza and comfort them, too.
  3. May your love for humankind demonstrated in the gift of your son, the baby in the manger, be the source of comfort and hope to those who mourn.

Image credit: www.christiansunite.com

When I Grow Up, I Want to Be an Aging Author

ID 10077853 When I Grow Up, I Want to Be an Aging Author

The November 25th issue of the Des Moines Register ran a story about how many aging authors are continuing to write and publish well into their eighties and nineties. Several authors who follow this trend were listed, pictured, and/or quoted in the story:

  • Elmore Leonard won the National Book Award this year at age 87, and it inspired him to keep writing.
  • Tom Wolfe, 81, released Back to Blood this year and says being an octogenarian is a hobby of his.
  • Herman Wouk, most famous for his WWII book, Winds of War, released a new work this year. He’s 97.
  • In March 88-year-old William Gass will release his first book since 1995.

The article listed several more authors still writing and publishing in their 80s and 90s. Only Philip Roth, the youngster in the group at age 79, bucked the trend. He says he’s done enough writing and his novel released in 2010 will be his last.

One of the aging authors, A.E. Hotchner, 92, attributed the trend to clean living. William Gass adds, “During the 1950s, the academic world was full of people who drank too much. The parties were cocktail parties and pretty potent. Now, there are dinners with nice wines.” Hermon Wouk’s editor says the author has taken care of himself since his first book came out 60 years ago. “His lifestyle has remained steady–work, family, religious faith, studying the Torah daily.”

Though that explains why these authors are living and writing longer. But it doesn’t explain why every author mentioned is a ma, with the exception of Toni Morrison, 81, who’s a Nobel laureate and thus hard to ignore. Women’s life expectancy has been greater than men’s for years, so there must be a few more women writers still wielding pens and tapping keyboards far into their golden years.

Since the press doesn’t seem to notice aging women writers (unless they won a Nobel prize) it’s time for clean-living female authors to toot their own horns and remind people they’re not dead yet. They need to let the world know they’re still pounding away, cranking out new books so libraries stay in business.

In that vein, I’m jumping on the aging writers bandwagon.  Not that I put myself in the same category as the well-known writers listed above. And it’ll be several decades before being an octogenarian becomes my new hobby. But what compels them to keep writing is what compels me. The need to capture thoughts into words and put them on paper in a way that’s engaging, informative, and thought-provoking.

That said, if my mind goes before my body, I still want to keep writing. So whoever’s still around can put a keyboard in front of me. No doubt, I’ll type a whole lot of gibberish, and I’ll be happy as a clam while doing it.

That’s how much I want to be an aging writer when I grow up.

photo credit: www.freedigitalphotos.net

Top Ten Positives About Election Day, 2012

1193557 america  Top Ten Positives About Election Day, 2012

Election Day 2012 is here much to my relief delight. As a citizen of one of this year’s swing states, it didn’t take too much thinking to come up with a list of the top ten positives associated with the long-awaited end to election season.

10.  No more robo-calls for Hiram and me from candidates, their spouses, immediate family, extended family, political cohorts, good friends, acquaintances, and pets.

9.   No more surveys for Hiram and me of the automated or real-person-on-the-other-end-of-the-line variety.

8.   No more robo-calls or surveys for our son who hasn’t lived in this state since 2001.

7.  No more robo-calls or surveys for our daughter who hasn’t lived at our house since 2010.

6.  No more robo-calls for Jayme, whoever she is, who never lived at our house though the Democratic Party is sure she did.

5.  We can watch television again without hearing the same political ads over and over again.

4.  No more watching television and feeling like a teacher trying to break up fights between two popular kids who keep calling each other names.

3.  In a few more days, news reporters will talk about something other than the election or Frankenstorms powerful enough to push the candidates off the front page for a few days.

2.  The sense of equality that comes from standing in the voting line with fellow citizens in our voting precinct. One person, one vote, regardless of gender, color, creed, class, or earning power.

1.  When we vote, whoever wins, we’ve participated in the making of history.

What positives get you excited this election day? Leave a comment.

How Big Is Little Missouri River Country?

roosevelt river4 560px 300x170 How Big Is Little Missouri River Country?

The Little Missouri winding through Teddy Roosevelt’s Elkhorn Ranch in North Dakota.

On August 7 during Morning Edition, National Public Radio ran a story about Theodore Roosevelt and the Little Missouri River. The story titled Roosevelt’s Badlands Ranch Faces Potential Threat gave the history of TR’s connection to the North Dakota Badlands and the Little Missouri. But the bulk of the article was an expose about how the North Dakota oil boom is threatening the wide open spaces of TR’s historic Elkhorn Ranch.

My grasp on the details is shaky because when I first listened to the piece and during each subsequent reading of it, the same questions pop into my head. Can this really be the same Little Missouri that meandered through Harding County and past Camp Crook, the town where Hiram and I lived and worked for seven years after we graduated from college? How did I miss the historical connection?

The answer, of course, is that we were young and ignorant when we moved there. Plus, we lived in Harding County, South Dakota, about 150 miles south of TR’s ranch. And once Allen was born, our lives got…complicated. Even so, I can’t reconcile our South Dakota Little Missouri and the surrounding countryside with the concerns about TR’s North Dakota Little Missouri and the land around it.

Because Little Missouri country was wide open in TR’s day, it was wide open when we lived there from 1978-1985, and it’s still wide open today. If you’re wondering how wide open it is, consider this.

We drove 90 miles to the hospital the night our son was born.
The first 55 miles of the trip were gravel back then.
They’re still gravel today.
And it’s not too far from the Mcfarthest Spot.

If you need more convincing, here are a few pictures I took during trips to Harding County in 2007 and 2010.

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State Highway 20 west of Camp Crook, three miles from the Montana border. This is about a mile from the Little Missouri.

IMG 5065 300x200 How Big Is Little Missouri River Country?

Custer National Forest, about five miles from the Little Missouri. The view reaches well into Montana, about forty miles.

Near Little Missouri River 300x200 How Big Is Little Missouri River Country?

One of the horses on our friends’ ranch which is along the Little Missouri.

This country is big.
Wide open.
Huge.

No wonder I can’t wrap my head around the worries articulated in the NPR story. Not that they aren’t legitimate or newsworthy. They are. But there’s also a lot a land in them thar hills, and in my opinion, the story downplayed that fact to emphasize others.

There. I got that off my chest and feel much better. Except for one thing. Now I’m homesick for Harding County and all my friends there. I want to go to visit. But it’s a long way to drive.

About a thousand miles.
And the last fifty-five miles are still gravel.
On second thought, maybe I’ll wait to visit next summer.