Won’t Let the Parade Pass Me By

Parade Hoey Stratton 199x300 Wont Let the Parade Pass Me By

NPR ran a story about an intriguing concept this morning. The host interviewed Taylor Jones, a 22-year-old who created the website www.dearphotograph.com. Here’s what Jones, in an article at www.npr.org says about how the website came about:

He came up with the idea last year while sitting at his parents’ kitchen table. While flipping though a family photo album, he stumbled across a picture of his younger brother, Landon. “It was his third birthday,” Jones says. “He had a Winnie the Pooh cake, and I was sitting in the same spot my mom was when she took the original photo.” Landon was also sitting in his same birthday seat. So, Jones held up the old picture — taking care to line up kitchen cupboards just so — and snapped a photo. He posted it on his blog, and the rest, he says, is history.

People can go to the website and submit their own photographs, all of which must begin with the words Dear Photograph.

Like I said, an intriguing concept. So intriguing, I started thinking about what picture I would like to rephotograph in the same setting as it was originally taken.

  • One from our South Dakota days? Too far away.
  • A wedding shot? Too unoriginal.
  • A Kodak Instamatic shot of the Badlands from the famous camping trip with my uncle and aunt? Not sure where that one is.
  • Something from my teaching days? No, they tore the school down.

Undecided, I opened iPhoto, and there was the scan of a newspaper clipping we found when cleaning out Mom’s house 3 years ago. The clipping records one of my earliest clear memories – the day my aunt took her two daughters, my brother, and me (I’m the one closest to the camera)  to watch a parade in our home town. I don’t remember the parade as much as the newspaper photographer who shot the picture. I do remember how safe I felt with my aunt, how much help she said I was, what a big girl I’d become. Heady stuff for a middle child whose major talent at the time was tripping over her own feet.

The caption says 8,000 spectators watched the American Legion Parade that day in 1961. It also lists our names, ages, and the address of the corner  where Aunt Donna found a quiet, shady spot (Central Avenue and Fourth Street SE) so we could watch the National Guard trucks rumble past.

Mom and I are going to visit Aunt Donna in a couple weeks. Maybe I’ll take the original clipping along, find that street corner, line up the clipping with the present day location, snap a picture, and submit it to www.dearphotograph.com. I know what to write beneath my submission.

Dear Photograph,

Fifty years has taught me it’s more fun to join the parade of life than to sit and watch it go by.

Jolene

 

On the Eighth Day, God Created an App for That

1042388 business people On the Eighth Day, God Created an App for That

A long, long time ago God invented mothers because He knew kids needed someone to:

  • tuck them in bed at a decent hour so they could pay attention in school.
  • remind them to be nice to their friends.
  • shoo them outdoors to run around and get some exercise.
  • make sure they ate 3 balanced meals a day.
  • tell them to think a little while and see if they could figure out the answer for themselves.
  • limit screen time.
  • put them in the corner until they were done sassing and ready to treat people with respect.
  • teach them to deposit half their allowance in the piggy bank so they learned to save.
  • force them to drink water instead of pop because water is free.
  • regale them with pregnancy stories.
  • keep track of how often babies pee and poop and send older kids to sit on the toilet when they have stomach aches.
  • tell kids to go upstairs and read a book ’cause they’re driving their parents crazy.

But according to yesterday’s episode of On Point (an NPR show hosted by Tom Ashbrook) entitled “The Quantified Self,” computer apps now can do everything mothers used to do. The webpage about the show lists the following what-your-mother-used-to-do apps:

  • Sleep Cycle The Sleep Cycle alarm clock is a bio-alarm clock that analyzes your sleep patterns and wakes you when you are in the lightest sleep phase. It aims to make you wake up more refreshed.
  • Facebook Timeline The social networking site now includes a timeline feature that puts your interactions with the site and your network of friends in chronological order.
  • Fitbit A machine that tracks your sleep and physical activity.
  • Meal Snap Take a photo of the food you eat and this app — amazingly — can figure out how many calories you’ve consumed.
  • Honestly Now helps you make decisions by getting you the answers you want to your burning questions.
  • What Pulse This app tracks your keyboard and mouse use.
  • Mood Scope This app records your daily mood, tracks it over time, and can be integrated with your friends — with the aim of improving your well-being.
  • Mint An online tool to track your financial transactions.
  • Waterlogged This app keeps track of how much water you’re drinking each day.
  • My Pregnancy Today Track your pregnancy with this app.
  • Baby Connect records information about your newborn: feeding (bottle, nursing, solid, pumping), diapers, sleep, mood, activities, milestones, health, medicines, vaccines, photos, and more.
  • Azumio This app measures and records your stress levels.

I am not making this up, According to Tom Ashbrook and his guests, almost everything mothers used to monitor can now be monitored and quantified by computer apps.

Why? Well, Tom Ashbrook didn’t say why (click here to listen to the show), but my guess is that grown up app creators prefer having a computer analyze their lifestyles and tell them to get enough sleep, eat right, and get off their butts and exercise than to have their mothers tell them the same things. Or point out the obvious: Companies aren’t interested in hiring people engrossed in digitized navel gazing. People obsessing over data about their sleep cycles, diets moods, bowel movements, water intake, and financial transactions don’t have a social life. So these app gurus are stuck in an endless, self-perpetuating cycle. They sit around creating apps about everything and anything except what they need to hear.

Stop navel gazing and think about somebody else for a change!

But God knew young adults need someone to tell them the truth now and then.
So he created an app for that.
And named her Mom.

Downton Abbey or Downton Arby’s?

Downton Abbey contained s 007 300x180 Downton Abbey or Downton Arbys?

Attention all Downton Abbey wannabes! You know who I mean.

  • The career woman ashamed to admit her childhood dream was to be a princess and live in a castle when she grew up.
  • The mom who saving up for mother-daughter Belle gowns from the Disney catalog.
  • The hunter who secretly wishes he could wear a scarlet coat and riding britches instead of a fluorescent orange vest when deer season opens.
  • The husband who dreams of a life where he can ditch his wife and spend the evening smoking cigars and drinking cognac with his posh buddies.

Yup, we’re the people who make the Masterpiece Theater creators eyes shine with dollar pound signs once we’re hooked on a show like Downton Abbey.

But it’s very, very important for us wannabes to avoid taking ourselves too seriously. Otherwise, we won’t have the emotional energy needed to remain suspended on the season two finale’s cliffhanger, worrying about what really matters. Things like:

  • Will Matthew and Mary really tie the knot?
  • Will Mr. Bates go to prison?
  • Will Thomas quit smoking?
  • Will the Dowager Countess of Grantham (aka: Maggie Smith) turn quickly and knock someone over with her hat?
  • Will the wardrobe mistress ever let Edith wear a pretty dress?

Those issues weighed heavily on me until a friend and fellow wannabe sent a link to a YouTube video. Those who take themselves and Downton Abbey too seriously should be prepared to be indignant. Everybody else, be prepared to laugh at this spoof entitled Downton Arby’s.

I Can Chew. I Can Swallow. I Can Eat.

1262463 pear on a diet I Can Chew. I Can Swallow. I Can Eat.

We did some mighty fine eating during our Savannah vacation. So fine that I’ve been fighting an unsuccessful battle of the bulge since arriving home last Tuesday. For days, my inner dialogue has been a free-for-all of complaints.

Why did I indulge in so many afternoon snacks, and evening ice cream runs?
Why did the food down south have to be so tempting?
Why didn’t I walk more while we were there?

I was complaining last Thursday when our church secretary sent the following prayer from a dad requesting prayer for his son:

“Jaxson and his mom will be in Omaha for eight weeks, starting Monday, where they will be working on issues with his food aversion.  Since coming home last year, his only real source of food has been through his feeding tube and an occasional (when he is in the mood) bottle or a little bit of something solid.  When eating, he has constantly gagged.  He is on at least four different medications at any one time and taking those at least three times per day.  He is on constant oxygen all day, and we have been visited at least three times a week by medical and AEA staff who have been working with Jax on his development.  We are definitely praying for success out of this because, to be honest, it is our best and last shot (this is only one of three food aversion clinics nationwide) to get help in getting him off the food pump, g tube, and oxygen and eating right!”

My heart broke for them as I remembered our son’s food aversion as an infant. It hadn’t lasted as long as Jaxson’s, but it had been traumatic. More than that, I knew this family. I interviewed them and told their story in Different Dream Parenting. I sensed God calling me to pray for them for the next eight weeks. And I sensed His gentle chastening, too. Instead of complaining about my battle of the bulge, he called me to thank Him for blessings too often taken for granted.

Thank you, God, that I can chew. Thank you for the ability to swallow, for being able to eat and enjoy food. Lord, make these blessings I take for granted part of Jaxson’s life, too. Amen.

Three Thursday Thoughts for Valentine’s Week

1334990 hearts in love Three Thursday Thoughts for Valentines Week

Since this week began with a smokin’ episode of Downton Abbey and moved on to Valentine’s Day, it’s no wonder this Thursday’s three thoughts include love triangles. But as for the fixations with hot flashes and Pinterest, I have no idea of their origin.

  1. The minute Lavinia Swire walked into Downton Abbey, she was the doomed member of the love triangle. In our family, we call it the “Bonanza” principle. It’s named after the 1960s – 70s TV western series where beautiful, female guest stars always died. How about you? Did you see it coming?
  2. If a picture is worth 1000 words, is there any place on Pinterest for writers?
  3. If women in their 50s were in charge of utilities companies, they would already have invented heat pumps that could be attached to menopausal, hot flashing women, thus alleviating human suffering and solving the energy crisis in one, fell swoop.

Now it’s your turn. Leave a comment about your Thursday thoughts, even if they don’t include Valentine’s Day, Downton Abbey, Pinterest, and hot flashes.

Queen of Word Play

1115815 queens analogy Queen of Word Play

Last weekend a friend sent an email about the Washington Post’s Annual Mensa Invitational. According to the email, this year’s invitational consisted of two parts. In the first, “The Post invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. For those of you who, like me, can’t follow all that in your head, here’s one entry.

Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high

The email described the second part of the invitational which asks readers to supply alternate meanings for common words. Such as:

Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

By the time I finished reading the 17 entries in the first category and the 16 entries in the second, my sides ached with laughter. This response confirmed a long held, secret suspicion that if I could be queen of anything, I would choose queen of word play. The email made me so happy, I also decided to blog about it.

That’s when an internet search disclosed a disturbing truth.

The Washington Post’s Annual Mensa Invitational doesn’t exist. Once upon a time, someone ran a contest and an almost identical list has been circulated year after year…since 1998. The news kinda broke my queen of word play heart.

Until I stumbled upon the WPM Invitational website.

WPM took the idea, though they clearly state they are not associated with the Washington Post, and now oversee their own annual contest. Their rules are identical to the first half of the original contest. At the site, you can see:

You can also:

My fave in the 2010 contest was…Ussues Issues shared or inherited by virtue of being in a committed relationship which was submitted by Michale Bertani.

Now if you will excuse me, it’s time to wrap up this blog and get to work on my entries for the 2012 contest. If you’d like to vote for them, just look for the ones by Queen of Word Play and vote for royalty.

This queen will be quite amused.

Speaking of the Weather…

767009 dry Speaking of the Weather...

For a couple weeks after the caucuses, Iowans were conditioned by political pollsters to give short answers on the phone we almost forgot how to engage in casual conversation. But since the ISU Cyclones defeated fifth ranked KU over the weekend, conversation has picked up quite nicely in our little state. Even after the “How’s about them Cyclones?” talk dies down, I think the weather will give us plenty to talk about.

Optimists can talk about how nice it is to walk to the mailbox in shirtsleeves in January.
Environmentalist can talk about how this month’s weather is a sure sign of global warming.
Farmers can talk about how Elwynn Taylor thinks the drought of ’12 is coming down.

For those of you who’ve never heard of Elwynn Taylor, he’s an uncannily accurate Iowa State University extension climatologist. He studies long term climate patterns and predicts long term trends rather than day-to-day weather.

In July, if he predicts a snowy winter, you’d be wise to buy a snowshovel.
But if he predicts a mild winter, don’t buy a new winter coat.
In January, if he predicts the summer will be wet, cancel the cabin at the lake.
If he predicts a flood, buy a boat.
And if he predicts a drought, take it seriously.
Guess which one he’s predicting for this summer?

A drought.

Which means I’m taking out stock in a garden hose company.
Because the last time Elwynn predicted a bad drought was in January of ’88.
When the dry fall and winter weather pattern was similar to this fall and winter.
When La Nina was getting old.
When Alaska had lots of snow.

I was three months pregnant with Anne way back then. By the time Anne was born in July, the drought was awful. To be clear, Elwynn didn’t know about my pregnancy, so it didn’t figure into his prediction.

But, even if ISU loses every game for the rest of the summer, my shelf of conversation starters is well-stocked for the rest of 2012. I’ll be the life of every party, chatting about Elwynn Taylor drought predictions, pregnancy during drought stories, and labor during drought stories. Really fascinating stuff.

So, when would you like me to come to dinner at your house?

Not Just Old. But Ancient.

gs 100th mark2 Not Just Old. But Ancient.

Yesterday morning, my first thought was not, “Today, I’m gonna feel old.” But thanks to the Girl Scouts – yes, those cute little cookie peddlers who sell sugar highs in a box – for the first time ever, I am feeling a wee bit ancient.

Not just old. Ancient.

The realization was gradual, increasing the longer I listened to Talk of Iowa on the radio. The topic was the 100th Anniversary of Girl Scouts, and the host interviewed some Girl Scout leaders and a couple honest-to-goodness present day Girl Scouts. The girls were about the same age I was during my short career as cookie salesgirl and sash wearer.

And they made me feel not just old. But ancient.

It wasn’t their fault. But, while they talked, I thought about how 1912 was a century ago for the little girls. Just like 1865 was a hundred years ago when I attended Girl Scout meetings after school in 1965. So if and when they watch a show like Downton Abbey, the events portrayed there are as long ago and far away to them as the events chronicled in Gone With the Wind were to me.

And that’s when I started feeling not just old. But ancient.

Not because the Civil War seemed like a long time ago when I was a Girl Scout. And not because 1912 is a long time ago to the girls in the radio interview. And not because 1912 didn’t seem like such a long time ago in my GS days. But because the Civil War probably didn’t seem like such a long time ago to fifty-five-year-old adults in my GS days, but I thought those people were old.

But they didn’t seem just old. They seemed ancient.

Which is how today’s Girl Scouts view everybody old enough to tuck an AARP membership card next to the packet of Metamucil in their wallets, old enough to wear sensible shoes, sport age spots, and wear pants with elastic waistbands.

They view us as not just old. But ancient.

Oh my, the depression is coming on thick and fast. I think there’s only one way to fight this thing. I’m gonna find a Girl Scout, buy a box of Thin Mints, and snarf down the whole box. After all, my mom says old people like me have earned the right to eat whatever they want. And she ought to know.

‘Cause she’s not just old. She’s ancient.

My Name Is Still Jolene

Jolene Blue dress 243x300 My Name Is Still Jolene

For those of you who read the Winter Blitz supplement in the local Shopping News last week, let me set your mind at ease. My name is not Jeanne Philo, even though the “Pen to Pen” ad says it is. Rest assured, the owner of the Book Shoppe (where the “Pen to Pen” gathering will be held this Saturday, January 28 from 11 – 2) called as soon as she saw the mistake.

She felt terrible.
Really terrible.
She apologized.
About ten times.
Even after I assured her I was not upset.
And that I would still attend the event.
Though I plan to sign any books sold as Jolene Philo.
Not Jeanne Philo.

Since we’re on the subject, this is a good time to clarify a couple other things. First, I have never had a facelift. However, my professional photographer friend who took my  publicity pictures, including the one above, got rid of several wrinkles with PhotoShop.

On the pictures only.
Not on my real face.
You come can to the Book Shoppe on January 28 from 11 – 2 and see for yourself.
No facelift.
Plenty of wrinkles.

Second, my body hasn’t been butt lifted either. I’d never heard of butt lifts until our pastor mentioned them in his sermon on Sunday. (If that made you curious, get the whole story by going to www.graceccboone.com. Click the “Sermons” tab, and then click on the January 22, 2012 sermon link and have a listen.)

However, for the past month and a half my butt feels like it’s been through surgery.
Thanks to my physical therapist.
She looks really sweet.
But she assigns nasty butt exercises.
To strengthen my glutes which she says are weak.
But I think the exercises were used to torture people.
During the Spanish Inquisition.
Even though the PT doesn’t have a Spanish name, face, or accent.

So now you know the truth. My name hasn’t changed, my wrinkles are real, my butt is sore, and the PT is probably an ex-marine who served at Guantanamo Bay. Anything more you’d like to know?

Or are you afraid to ask?

Change in BlogLand

shapeimage 122 300x186 Change in BlogLand

Shhh…don’t tell the iWeb people at Apple about the WordPress graphic on this blog page. Let’s keep the upcoming switch from iWeb to WordPress here at Down the Gravel Road between ourselves. The switch should make this site much faster for readers, which is a very good thing.

And the new bells and whistles it’ll offer are nice, too.

My favorite techno-buddy, Ray, has all the incomprehensible-to-my-small-brain details lined up and ready to go. He’s waiting for me to get done transferring blog posts from this blog to the new one under construction. We thought we’d figured out how to do it in one fell swoop.

But no.

So I’m transferring four years worth of posts one by one. The bugs have been worked out (through painful experience), and each transfer goes fairly quickly. But there are a lot of posts, so the whole process is taking a lot of time.

A lot of time.

But, I’m using the hours and hours and hours required for this mind-numbing process to watch DVDs of TV shows on my always-wanted-to-watch-but-can’t-justify-allocating-time-to-them category.

Shows like West Wing.
And Parenthood.
And a BBC series called Monarch of the Glen.
And – hold your breath -
Glee.

Yes, Glee. The show I swore off as a protest against their Madonna-as-role-model-for-young-women episode in the first season. To be honest, the rest of the series was better than I expected. Even though I still have issues with many of the values it promotes.

But wait.

This post is about the blog transfer, not about the TV shows that have made the transfer tolerable. So here’s the scoop: The last of the posts should be moved to the WordPress site by tonight. After that, all that remains are choosing the SEO phrases so search engines will find the blog, and building a few other pages. Once everything is ready to go, the switch will be announced on this blog and Ray will make the switch. Which we’re praying will go off without a hitch.

Wishful thinking, perhaps.

So to be on the safe side, I’m checking the latest Parenthood, Monarch of the Glen, West Wing, and Glee DVDS from the library. Because my web tech issues will pale compared to those of the Bravermans, the laird of the estate, President Martin Sheen, and the glee club nerds.

I call it WordPress de-stress.
Ahhh.